Season 2, Episode 11: You Gotta Have Heart

Finally, another episode this season I actually remember! And one I remember first run, even. Because Vicki and Harriet are adorable besties. Anyway, let’s just get right to it.

So, we start with the Lawson family watching The Wizard of Oz together. Oh, that reminds me so much of childhood. My family used to watch The Wizard of Oz together every year. Ted and Joan go on about how amazing the movie is, but that’s just filler conversation because everyone knows how amazing that movie is. Then they have that Vicki fake cry effect when she mimics Joan where she literally has tears coming out of her eyebrows. I hate that effect. We already know Vicki can cry real tears, so why not just do that? It would look better.

Jamie’s hair is weird. Anyway, Jamie says that he likes the Wicked Witch best, and I’m not really surprised. Vicki mimics the Wicked Witch and dang I’m just noticing she has a bracelet. I have never seen that before and I’m pretty sure we will never see it again. Joan says her favorite is Tin Man and mentions he got a heart, and Vicki asks what a heart is. Wizard of Oz is a three hour movie, how is this the first time Vicki is questioning this? During the “If I Only Had a Heart” sequence seems like the optimal time for that question, but any other time they brought it up in the following two hours is also reasonable. This is just lame set up. Joan says it’s where people store their love, and Vicki asks if she has one. D’aww. Ted says no, but thinks the premise is interesting, because if he could give a robot a heart, he’d win the Nobel Prize. Aww, guys, we’re witnessing the conception of LES! Season 3, please don’t be late.

Vicki says she’s not programmed to know about people storing love in their heart, and asks what love is. Oh my gosh, this episode of Small Wonder is the one that made me start asking the big questions about robots. You guys can’t know how big that is, but it’s big. Apparently humans don’t know what love is, either, because Joan starts quoting movies and Jamie relates some story I’m 91% sure is about Jessica. Then Jamie says love is stupid. For some reason, that reminds Joan that people show affection by giving gifts, and one of the gifts is Ted gave Joan a heart shaped necklace I’ve never seen before and given what this whole episode is about so far, it’s a set up. Then they tell Vicki they gave her her bracelet because they love her. Vicki says Jamie didn’t give her anything, so he doesn’t love her, and she says it as sad as monotone gets. Also, great lesson, guys. Jamie gives Vicki gum, but she’s not impressed.

We cut to Jamie doing pull ups in the backyard, and guys, this is consistency. Jamie is into fitness. Well, actually, he only does one but it’s an improvement. Good for you, Jamie! But Vicki is a little show off and does countless pull ups because no muscle strain. Jamie goes back on the bars to try again, but then Harriet comes over. Jamie decides he’s done and goes inside, leaving Vicki and Harriet alone. Fun!

Vicki gives Harriet her bracelet. Harriet wants to know how much, and man, nobody loves Harriet. Vicki says she’s giving it to her because she loves her. Aww! They are going to be the best sister-in-laws one day. Harriet still doesn’t believe, but then Vicki gives Harriet her shoes. Harriet and Vicki officially become best friends. Harriet is glad because when they’re old they’ll buy a condo in Miami like the Golden Girls and treat men like playthings - a life goal I myself hold to this day. Vicki and Harriet go to the Brindle's to play.

Small Wonder doesn’t just use badly timed transitions, but they use transitions like they just discovered editing. They flip cut to Joan in the kitchen and Bonnie Brindle comes over. Oh my gosh, Bonnie Brindle! She hasn’t been in an episode all season, just mentioned. I’m so happy to see her! Bonnie baked cookies, but she uses lima beans and lard so Joan isn’t impressed. Bonnie is thrilled Vicki and Harriet are BFFs, and Bonnie decides Joan should be her BFF and they’ll be like Kate and Allie. Pop culture overload.

Vicki and Harriet come in through the kitchen and they’re wearing each other’s clothes - right down to the hairstyles! Vicki gives Bonnie a potholder. Aww, Vicki is so loving! Ted comes into the kitchen and is amused by Vicki and Harriet’s friendship. Yay, it’s a Ted is a good dad episode! Sure, he’s a fun serial killer abusive inventor, but when he’s a good dad, my heart feels warm and cozy like hot chocolate by the fireplace on Christmas. Vicki and Harriet leave, and Joan explains Vicki and Harriet are BFFs, and Bonnie reveals she and Joan are BFFs, too. Joan is giving a look like “I never agreed to that,” but Joan, you don’t have friends. Take the offer. Then Bonnie declares Ted is also her close friend and then drops a “I’m in crisis” bomb on them. I love you, Bonnie Brindle. You Brindle Swindled yourself two friends and made it all about you in record time.

Bonnie acts like she doesn’t want to talk about it, but then in less than ten seconds says she wants to talk about killing her husband. Um, wow, Ted has rubbed off on you. He wants to kill Brandon all the time. You guys should start a club. Brandon is apparently jealous and thinks men are after Bonnie. I feel like something is slightly off, but I can see Brandon being jealous, yeah. That part adds up. Ted offers to help out, so Bonnie Brindle Swindled her and Harriet staying with the Lawsons. Bonnie Brindle, please adopt me. My mom might say “no-nono-no-nono-no-no-no,” but I’m 32 and I make those decisions.

We come back from a commercial break and Bonnie is unpacking. Ted wants to know how long she’s staying, and Bonnie says until she gets a good divorce lawyer. Ted and Joan try to talk her out of it, but Bonnie’s mind is made up. Ted asks Bonnie if she loves Brandon, and she says she shows it by tying his pants in knots in the middle of the night. Bonnie, seriously, I’ll make Harriet a great little sister. The Lawsons manage to reverse Brindle Swindle Bonnie and convince her to go back to Brandon.

We cut to Jamie’s room. Vicki is packing up a duffel bag and Harriet wants to play a game called Secrets because BFFs always share secrets. Jamie is right there on the bed watching, so Harriet really doesn’t know what a secret is. Jamie then admits he’s insanely in love with Harriet. Then he covers it up by saying he’s insane. Jamie-Jamie-Jame, never be ashamed of your feelings. It’s okay. Everyone knows you love Harriet. Jamie suggests playing hide and seek, but Harriet said last time they played that she didn’t see him for three days. Dang, Jamie, that’s cold. Jamie reverse Brindle Swindles Harriet by saying he’ll kiss her on the cheek when he finds her - Harriet, he’s not even going to look. Harriet agrees anyway, and tells him she’ll be in the hall closet.

Jamie tells Vicki that if she keeps giving Harriet things they’ll never get rid of her, and that Harriet is taking advantage of Vicki. Jamie, why are you trying to separate Vicki and her best friend? So Jamie decides he’ll program Vicki to be like Harriet. Jamie, that’s happened before, remember? Your dad ended up disassembling Vicki because you and Joan got peeved.

We jump down to the kitchen and Ted and Joan are real glad they got Bonnie to go back to Brandon. I know! Reverse Brindle Swindles are not that easy to pull off. Then Brandon barges in with a suitcase. Damn, that is some advanced Brindle Swindling - skip the schmoozing, go to the doing. Brandon thinks Bonnie is jealous - and yeah, I can see that. But Brandon is way more upset than Bonnie was. Maybe a divorce is what they need. Harriet could have two Christmases. Plus, it’s Bonnie’s last season anyway, so what’s the point, you know? Brandon then admits that he shows Bonnie love by rearranging the furniture so that when she sits, she misses the chair. Harriet has not got a chance. Ted and Joan manage another reverse Brindle Swindle and get Brandon to go home. Oh my gosh, the Lawsons are on top of their game tonight. But I guess it’s easier when it’s two Lawsons against one Brindle. Brandon hugs Joan in gratitude. This is sweet.

Oh, wait, no it’s not because Bonnie comes over and assumes there’s something going on between her husband and best friend. Really? In front of your best friend’s husband? What do you think the Lawsons are into? Bonnie takes off, but Brandon goes after her. I think these two kids are going to be okay.

We jump back up to Jamie’s room and he’s just finished programming Vicki. This is hurting my heart, Jamie. Don’t take your sister’s love. Harriet comes back into the room, wondering where those guys went. Then Harriet decides she doesn’t want to play anymore, and takes the duffel Vicki packed. Vicki stops her and she wants everything back. Harriet ends the friendship and leaves. Then when Jamie decides to celebrate Vicki’s loss, she decides she wants what she gave Jamie, back, too. Yeah, at least with Jamie, he’ll still be her brother. Jamie says later, but then Vicki attacks him.

Ted and Joan run up to the room and they demand an explanation, especially because Harriet left upset. Yeah, I can imagine they don’t want the Brindles coming back over. Ted tells Vicki that Jamie steered her wrong because you can’t be selfish and have love in your heart. Vicki becomes confused and upset because now she has no friends and no heart. Jamie admits that he was wrong, so Vicki asks if she can have a heart like the Tin Man. Ted apologetically says no, and Vicki borderline cries because she wants a heart. Vix, you’ve had one all along. When Ted says he doesn’t know what to do, Joan gives Vicki her heart necklace. Vicki likes her heart and it makes her happy. The End.

That episode was sweet. I don’t know what else to say. It wasn’t Emmy-award winning or anything, but it was cute.

Continue reading →

Season 2, Episode 10: The Older Woman

So, Jamie apparently has an unrequited crush on Harriet’s cousin. Sadly, this cousin is not Bippy because at least that would be interesting. I don’t remember this episode at all and I’m starting to wonder if I didn’t only watch select episodes on my season 2 DVD because this is like the ninth time I’ve said it in 10 episodes. Anyway, let’s get to it.

Okay, there’s a lot going on in this opening scene. Ted’s computer stuff is out, which only happens when he’s using it, but he’s over there playing Monopoly with his family like an attentive husband and father. Vicki is watching them play Monopoly, which is just creepy. Is there a legit reason a robot can’t play a game of luck and negotiation skills? Because Vicki would probably be really bad at it. Then there’s lightning in the background, so I guess it’s a rainy night, and the lightning knocks out the power. That’s just five seconds in. Man, if this episode is not dense, they wasted early potential.

Joan groans about the lights being out, but Ted says he has a solution and walks over to his computer set up. Wow, his one instance of being too lazy to put that stuff away is turning out to be super convenient. Ted says he wired the house into the computer and he just has to plug in the computer to a power source. He did have the house wired to the computer in Neighborhood Watch, but that did not go well, so I feel like this is going to be a Vicki sacrifice. Ted plugs the computer into Vicki, and it actually works for like 10 seconds. During that time, Ted compares himself to God, so I’m adding that to the list of reasons I know why Ted is a serial killer in his spare time. Then Vicki very clearly starts overheating, but Joan has to point it out. No wonder all your inventions have glitches, Ted. You can’t pay attention to the details. He has to unplug Vicki.

There’s a knock at the backdoor. Joan figures it’s probably the Brindles. Yeah, I would probably figure that, too. There’s no power. They’ll want something. Jamie goes to answer the door as Ted opens up Vicki’s panel to see why she overheated. That’s a lot of faith that a Brindle isn’t about to just waltz into your house.

Jamie opens the door, and Harriet was sent over by her parents to borrow some candles. I knew they’d want something. Jamie doesn’t see this as an unreasonable request and gives her some. He does ask why the Brindles always borrow stuff and if they ever go to the store, and Harriet says they do go to the store sometimes but Bonnie says the lines are shorter at the Lawson house. Harriet is just a product of her upbringing, y’all.

The lights come back on, and Harriet asks Jamie if he wants to meet her sixteen year old cousin Mary who’s staying with the Brindles. That wasn’t clunky at all. Then Mary conveniently comes over to retrieve Harriet right when they were speaking about her. I thought Jamie’s insta-puberty with Jessica was dramatic, but there is no explaining what is happening here. Little Jamie Lawson is in lust. Aww.

Ted finishes fixing up Vicki and Joan was like, “we were worried, Vicki, but at least we can play Monopoly again.” Joan Lawson: Mother of the Year. Vicki repeats what Joan says, but all the words are out of order. Vicki’s having a stroke. Ted looks into it, says that made up mumbo jumbo I really hoped hadn’t carried over from season 1, invoking Joan’s first “That makes sense” of the season. It’s good to remember your roots. Ted needs a part he has to pick up from the plant the next day, and I’m pretty sure he means steal, so he sends Vicki up to her cabinet and she walks up the stairs backwards. Except, you know, it’s a special effect. Could they not just have her walk up the stairs backwards?

So we have one of those nonsensical transitions where Jamie is in his backyard and Reggie is hanging upside down off of his monkey bars, and Jamie is telling Reggie how perfect Mary is. Reggie wants to know what Jamie is going to do about it. Good, Reggie. Don’t put up with Jamie Lawson’s whining anymore. Make him man up. Jamie admits to not having a plan because it’s hard for 12 year olds to date 16 year olds, and Reggie tells him to smoke a pipe and say smoking stunted his growth. Reggie is  a good friend.

Jamie realizes smoking a pipe is not a good plan. So he decides he needs to act like the classy gentleman from old movies. Reggie decides he can’t deal with this nonsense anymore and leaves, telling Jamie to call when he gets back from Fantasy Island. Reggie actually dropped the Fantasy Island reference. I wouldn’t. It’s not in my pop culture reference bank. I know it existed, I just never think of it because I was 3 when this episode came out.

Ted comes out to ask Jamie if he wants to go to the plant with him to pick up parts to fix Vicki - wait, it went from one part to multiple? And also, this isn’t like picking up office supplies from work. Robotics parts are expensive. Jamie says no and asks for advice. Ted starts to tell Jamie how to impress a woman, and Joan walks out. Oh, this is going to be awesome. So, in giving his advice to Jamie, Ted reveals that he was totally head over heels in lust with Joan’s roommate Barbara. Based on that look Joan is giving, this is the last we will see of Ted. Ted asked Joan out on dates and told her to bring Barbara along. Joan storms off just in time to miss Ted saying the more he took Joan out, the more he realized he loved her and not Barbara. It’s still going to be amazing when Joan murders him.

Ted goes to leave, but Harriet comes over. She asks if Vicki can come out and play, and Ted says no because she’s not herself. At least the excuses come up less often, so they seem less flimsy. Harriet asks Jamie to play, because she has nothing to do until Mary comes home, so Jamie uses Ted’s advice on Harriet. It’s happening! He’s going to realize he loves Harriet and they’ll get married! Jamie invites Harriet to the movies, and says it would be rude to leave Mary behind so they’ll take her, too. Harriet kisses Jamie on the cheek, but at least he waits until she leaves to wipe it off. That’s commitment.

Ted seems to be finishing repairs on Vicki, so let’s see how he screwed up this time. Oh! Vicki is in slo-mo! Joan comes downstairs with bedding and smiling evilly. She’s going to use the bedding to wrap Ted’s corpse in when she dumps it! She reveals that she heard the conversation, drops the bedding over Ted’s head, and then hits him with a pillow. That last part doesn’t sound as vicious as it was. The pillow was the closest thing. I think if a lamp had been right there, she would have hit him with a lamp. Joan has anger issues.

At the movies, Jamie sits between Mary and Harriet, which is the smart way to work this stupid plan. Then he compliments Mary, but makes Harriet fish. Come on, Jamie. Where was that commitment you showed two scenes ago? Jamie sends Harriet to buy popcorn - at least he gave her the money for it - but says it would be rude to leave the girls alone. Harriet buys this, and Jamie takes the opportunity to hit on Mary some more. This guy that apparently knows Mary shows up, so she ditches Jamie without even an explanation. I mean, come on, dude. I get what’s going on, but you should at least give your alibi an explanation. They’re your alibi. Harriet returns and is excited that she gets Jamie to herself.

Joan is in the kitchen - man, this episode really reverted to season one. Jamie comes home and when Joan asks how his date was, Jamie said, “Abe Lincoln had more fun in the theatre than I did.” Dark. Jamie admits to taking Ted’s advice, and Joan’s like, “well, if you want advice about a woman, don’t ask a man - ask a woman.” After Joan needs to clarify for her C-average son that she is, in fact, a woman, Joan tells Jamie to be direct and honest. Good advice. It’s going to backfire.

Ted is working on Vicki and is hunched over because the sofa is apparently bad for his back. I’m fun sized, so I’ve never had that issue, so I can’t even empathize. Let’s see how Ted messed up Vicki now. She’s a Chipette! Then he fixes her voice but she copies everything Ted says. So Ted turns her voice off because that’ll fix the repetition thing. Vicki fixes Ted’s back but still copies everything he does, voiceless.

We cut to Jamie in the kitchen and, can we not have one transition that makes sense? Harriet comes over and says she wrote Jamie a poem about her feelings for him and Jamie slams the door in her face. Oh, I thought we were over this, Jamie. Harriet lets herself in and reads it, and Jamie somehow finds a way to use that as momentum to see Mary.

We go back to the living room and Ted is trying to deal with the bedding but he’s useless. Joan comes down and asks how he slept. Where is Vicki? Whatever, nevermind. Ted begs forgiveness, and Joan gives it. Then Ted pulls Joan onto the couch and pulls the cover over them. Remember, if you go that long into an episode of Small Wonder without a sex joke, you can be blatant.

Jamie’s pacing around the backyard, wondering where Mary is. I’m guessing waiting in the kitchen is out because Joan and Ted don’t seem like the quiet type. Vicki comes out and tells Jamie to wash up for lunch and now I’m just confused about the timeline. Also, Jamie realizes Vicki is fixed. No, she can’t be. They showed us like 37 failed attempts. They are not allowed to just fix her off-screen. Jamie says he’ll be in later and starts rehearsing what he wants to say to Mary.

Mary finally comes over and Jamie confesses to being madly in love with her. Mary thinks that’s crazy, so Small Wonder has one character that makes sense. Shame we’ll never see her again. Vicki keeps piping in with unhelpful comments and I can’t tell if she’s really fixed or not. If she is, she reverted to season 1 Vicki. Harriet shows up and listens in, and Jamie should have realized that was a risk having this conversation anywhere but the bathroom. Jamie confesses he used Harriet to get to Mary, which Harriet of course heard. Mary thinks Jamie is a horrible person and she never wants to see him again, and Jamie is like, “too bad, because I’m going to stalk you.” That is the honest summation of Jamie’s response. Reggie comes over and talks some sense into Jamie. And by that, I mean, Reggie says he has a better chance with Mary. I love this show.

Mary’s boyfriend comes over and is totally ready to beat up a 12 year old. Yeah, that’s a characteristic all 16 year old girls should look for in a boyfriend. Jamie asks Reggie to help, but Reggie takes off running. Harriet and Mary come over and Mary tells her boyfriend to put Jamie down. Mary and her boyfriend leave. Jamie actually gives Harriet a heartfelt apology and offers to take her out on a real date, so all is forgiven and this ship is sailing again. Then Vicki drags Jamie into the house. The End.

Really? He fixed Vicki off-screen?! Yeah, that’s my complaint. I mean, I guess that's it for this week. Oh, wait, no I do want to mention one more thing. Mary is played by Leslie Bega, who was Maria on Head of the Class and grew up to be Valentina on The Sopranos. See, Small Wonder doesn't curse careers. Okay, I will see you next week.

Continue reading →

Season 2, Episode 9: Home Sweet Homeless

I had to take some screenshots without pausing this week for reasons. As such, some pictures have a certain derpiness to them, and some scenes don't have the actual photo I wanted to use to represent them. On to the review.

I don’t have a pre-episode thing that wouldn’t be depressing, and my goal is not to depress you. It’s to make you see that just because a show is objectively bad doesn’t mean it doesn’t have any redeeming qualities. And I fail that task sometimes, but you know, overall. That said, let’s just get right into it.

Vicki and Ted are in the kitchen and I don’t know what’s happening because Ted’s pants are distracting. Jamie comes into the kitchen and shields his face from the glare coming from Ted’s pants while he says they’re awesome. Ted takes the compliment. No, Ted, Jamie did not mean awesome like good. He meant those pants inspired awe because it’s impossible to comprehend them. Jamie makes his point clearer by saying he hopes there are no bulls on the golf course, and Ted threatens “to the moon.” Oh, cool, let’s bring back the euphemism for abuse. Ted finally says Vicki was making him a protein shake and I just realized everyone except for Joan is in the kitchen. Small Wonder is making excellent strides in feminism, especially since I don’t know if Joan is actually employed this week or not. Ted tries to use the blender, but it doesn’t work, so he uses the handy-dandy Vicki.

Joan finally enters the kitchen and says they can congratulate her. Joan, please don’t be the Ted this week. Apparently, her women’s auxillary club called and Joan is the chairperson of the committee to help the homeless. Shenanigans. Joan doesn’t have a cell phone, so everyone would have known she was on the phone and thus she could have had a less awkward entrance. “Oh, hey, honey, who was on the phone?” Entire women’s auxillary line goes here. Vicki doesn’t know what homeless means and 2015 me is like that’s privilege rearing it’s ugly head. Of course the robotics engineer who gets job offers out the wazoo doesn’t think to teach his robot child who was designed to help people about a group of people who need help. Check your robotics engineer privilege, Ted. Joan explains it to Vicki, and Ted agrees that they should help the homeless, but Vicki just walks away. I’m not making this up. It looks like they were explaining it to Jamie and Vicki happened to be in the room to overhear. Program your robot child some manners.

Joan says that it’s hard to make people aware of the issue, which is obvious since you couldn’t even hold the attention of a robot, and Ted suggests trying to go on TV and raise awareness that way. Jamie suggests telling Harriet. These are both valid suggestions. Joan sides with Ted. Ted agrees to drop her off and pick her up because he’s going to the golf course, and I knew it! One car family! Only bit of continuity that sticks. Wait, so how has Joan been getting to work as a teacher? Darn it... Joan asks Jamie to go to the store for her, but the length of that list is ridiculous. He brings Vicki along.

On the way home from the store, Vicki and Jamie see a homeless person. Vicki points out Joan said it was their duty to help the homeless. No, Vicki, Ted said that. See, that’s what happens when you walk away mid-conversation. Jamie notices the alley the homeless person was in was a mess and it should be cleaned up, so Vicki blows everything away with her super robot breath. Seriously. This show has a problem remembering robot is not Superman. Robots can’t breathe and while it would make sense for her to have an exhaust fan in her mouth area so it would mimic breath, it would never be that strong. I pay attention to real world stuff sometimes! Jamie and Vicki approach the homeless guy and wake him up. Rude! Just come back later. You wouldn’t like it if someone woke you up when you were sleeping.

The guy is a little confused when he wakes up, but he is very well mannered around the children. Says how do you do, removes his hat for Vicki - real charming. His name is Roland Cardwell. Jamie asks Roland if he lives in the alley, and he says for the moment. Then he lists the “conveniences” it has - solar heating, air conditioning. He’s a real positive guy. I like that.

We cut back to the Lawson kitchen, and Jamie is making a sandwich. It looks like the beginnings of that ridiculous sandwich he makes in the theme song. There’s a knock at the door and I’m sure it’s Harriet, but the shade is down so we can’t see - let’s find out. It’s Harriet! Jamie says he’s busy and tells Harriet to come back later, so she opens the door and says it’s later. I love Jamie Lawson’s future wife. Harriet wants Jamie’s sandwich, and he tells her to go home and make one for herself. Harriet says she’s not allowed to eat between meals and then makes a joke about Bonnie’s bad cooking. Jamie finishes the sandwich and it is a clone of the ridiculous one! It would make Shaggy and Scooby Doo proud. Jamie kicks Harriet out and then he goes into the living room just in time for Ted and Joan to come home.

Joan says that the reporter agreed to do a story on the homeless, and Jamie casually brings up bringing a homeless person home. Well, no, he says “guess what I did today” and Roland walks out in Joan’s robe. But it is all pretty casual. Roland says hello to Joan and Ted and politely asks Jamie for bubble bath. Ted needs some answers, like “who are you? What are you doing in my house? Why are you wearing my wife’s robe?” Roland, of course, answers the last one.

Vicki comes in wearing Roland’s hat and she is super adorable! She gives Roland some slippers which also look like Joan’s. Jamie introduces Roland to his parents, and Roland lays on the charm. He is so lovely, I want to adopt him. Jamie made the sandwich for Roland. I like how Jamie isn’t a little shit in this episode. I mean, he wasn’t even rude to Harriet earlier. Ted is really upset that Jamie brought the guy home, but Jamie points out Ted and Joan said they had to help the homeless find a home. Wrong. They never said that. But Joan agrees, so free pass, Jamie. Ted agrees to let Roland bathe and that they’ll feed him, but he worries Roland has a criminal record. Privilege check, Ted. No, I’m kidding, I have a roommate who locks her bedroom door when she takes a shower, so I get having trust issues.

We cut to the kitchen because transitions that make sense are for other shows, and Roland has apparently found Ted’s robe because he’s wearing that. He makes himself a cup of coffee as he tells Jamie some fantastic story involving a King Cobra. Jamie asks how Roland got the money to have such adventures, and he says he does things for free. Jamie asks if Roland ever works and he seems allergic to the word. Way to go, Small Wonder. Raise awareness for an issue by perpetuating the stereotypes. Ted and Joan come into the kitchen, and Jamie is enthralled by Roland. I see this going over well. Joan is washing Roland’s clothes, and Ted says that after the clothes are done and Roland eats, he can leave. I can’t even be mad at Ted’s bad attitude. He really could have kicked Roland out a long time ago, but he’s helping as much as he feels comfortable with his own home. Jamie is super offended, and wants Roland to sleep in his room. What, with Vicki in the cabinet? You think that through, Jamie? Roland turns Jamie down, and Ted and Joan use this momentum to make it seem like literally opening up your home to a homeless person isn’t enough, but then Roland drops the bomb and says he’ll be staying in the backyard. That’s when you call the police, but then this episode would only be 11 minutes long.

We cut to the backyard. Roland is sleeping in a lawn chair with that blanket I love so much, when Harriet enters through the gate. Harriet approaches him, but then quickly goes to report it to Jamie. That was responsible. Harriet can be responsible. Jamie pulls Harriet inside and says that Roland is the Lawson’s houseguest. Liberal use of the term houseguest there, Jamie. Jamie explains Roland’s situation to Harriet, and she thinks he’s a bum. You know, in this situation, you’re probably right, Harriet, but that’s not the fair assumption to make usually. Jamie defends Roland by repeating his fantastic stories and Harriet now likes him and wants an introduction. Also, Harriet manages to successfully hit on Jamie while asking him to make the introduction. Knew it. Harriet’s going to be a Lawson some day.

Ted is still upset Roland is around and says if Roland calls him Dad one more time, he’ll wrap him in a blanket and leave him on someone’s doorstep. Ted, you have a real serial killer edge that you may want to work on. Ted wants to kick Roland out badly, but Joan says she doesn’t want to look bad in front of her committee and maybe Ted should just find Roland a job. That is a great suggestion.

We cut to the living room later, I guess, since the people in the room have changed, and Roland is wearing Ted’s awesome red pants. Roland is telling Jamie and Vicki how he gets money when he needs it by saying hello and telling a hard luck story. Ted comes home, and Vicki calls him a sucker. I love those two so much. Ted threatens to bury Roland up to his neck in a sand trap for wearing his pants. See, Ted is totally a serial killer. Ted asks Vicki to take his briefcase up to his room, and she agrees and calls him sucker again. This show got canceled right when it was going to get good. Teen Vicki and Ted, guys! Would have been great.

Joan enters from the kitchen, and Ted says he has good news for Roland. Roland assumes they’re going to Disneyland. I love this guy. Ted got Roland a job, and Roland starts acting all allergic again. Jamie defends Roland, and I’m surprised Roland hasn’t started a cult. Like, that would be the perfect job for him. Roland then says he isn’t homeless because he chose his lifestyle, and he feels bad for the actual homeless. Okay, Small Wonder. I’ll give you points there. Roland is an early Freegan. Then Ted and Roland get into a fight over Roland’s lifestyle choices. Look, if Roland is happy - you know, kick him out and move on with your lives. Then Jamie says he wants Roland’s lifestyle. Shut up, brain. We’re trying to not be depressing.

Then we cut to the next morning in the kitchen and I really don’t think this episode of Small Wonder knew what it was doing, timeline wise. Vicki has made Ted eggs. Ted complains about how Vicki made the eggs, so she dumps them on the table. Love them so much. Joan comes into the kitchen, excited that the homelessness story is going to be on the news that night. Then Jamie enters from the backyard asking where Roland is, and Vicki reveals he’s gone. Jamie is really upset and wants to get Roland back. Joan and Ted decide that Jamie needs a taste of Roland’s lifestyle to get it out of his system.

So the Lawsons all go out after dark and go back to Roland’s alley. Vicki says no one else is in the alley, but she detects smaller life forms - the ones that go crunch when you step on them. Ew. But at least it isn’t rodents. Ted uses the opportunity to teach Jamie some of Roland’s life skills and dumpster dives for pizza when a rodent finally does show up (ew) and Ted says if they catch it, it could be dinner (triple ew). Right when Jamie starts to get it, the news crew shows up. This going to be hilarious. And are there no other alleys in town? The reporter mistakes the Lawsons for a homeless family, and I wonder why with all that dumpster diving. Joan asks the reporter if he remembers her, and when he does he assumes Joan moved the entire family out to the alley to prove her point. Well, technically, that is kind of what happened. Joan starts to tell the truth, but Ted steps in and says that’s exactly what happened. Jamie says that that’s no way for a person to live and they should help the homeless and then Vicki asks for money. Love that robot.

I did it. I got through an episode I knew would be hard. And now I’m done with it. I want to give Small Wonder credit for wanting to raise awareness about such an important issue, I just think there could have been better ways to do it. The End. See you next week.

Continue reading →

Season 2, Episode 8: Thanksgiving Story

Guys, this is the only time this blog will ever be seasonally relevant! Thursday is Thanksgiving, and here’s the review of the Thanksgiving episode! I really don’t remember this episode, but it involves Jamie Lawson lying so I’m sure I’ll love it. Let’s get to it!

We start with Vicki writing the grocery list, and Joan asks her if she’s done. Well, except Joan calls it the marketing list and I realize this isn’t the first time Joan has referred to grocery shopping as marketing. Is that what people really used to call it? I have no idea. Well, Vicki isn’t done, so Joan asks her to speed it up so Vicki writes so fast the paper starts smoking. Joan tells her not that fast, but she sure waits long enough to say that.

Ted and Jamie enter the kitchen and they want to know what’s going on. Joan says Vicki was working on the shopping list, so Ted makes a joke and he and Jamie laugh about it. Seriously, Ted, Joan hits. You know this. Joan says that they’re having a Thanksgiving with all the ingredients from the first Thanksgiving, and I feel like that’s just weird but whatever, it’s their Thanksgiving. Ted looks at the list and is surprised that Vicki included 91 Indians. How are you surprised? When has anyone ever been specific enough with their instructions to Vicki? And Vicki does point out that there were 91 Native Americans at the first Thanksgiving. Actually, she called them Redskins, but it is not 1986 right now, it’s 2015 and I have been indoctrinated with not being racist. Ted says they have to settle for three whiteskins and a robot, so see, racist.

Jamie notices venison is on the list and he refuses to eat Bambi. Then Joan says they have a lot to be thankful for, but that is a weird transition from Jamie not wanting to eat Bambi. That is a valid complaint. Either way, there’s a knock at the backdoor and it’s Harriet dressed as a turkey. It’s her costume for the school play, and she’s super proud. Joan says she’s sure Harriet will be the best turkey there ever was because sometimes Joan is perfect. Jamie agrees, but says it’s because Harriet has a lifetime of experience. These are the things they’ll laugh about when they’re married old people. Ted disapproves of Jamie’s comments while trying to suppress a laugh, so I’m back to hating Ted this week. Harriet tries to Brindle Swindle her way into a Thanksgiving invitation, but 2/3rds of the Lawsons in the room politely refuse.

There is another knock at the door, and Jamie opens it to reveal this kid we’ve never seen before and I know we’ll never see again. His name is Adam, and Jamie invites him in and introduces him to his parents. Then the Lawsons leave three kids alone in their kitchen while they go to the store, and I’m like, the Lawsons are a lot less strict than my parents were when I was 12, and I was a latchkey kid when I was 12. Adam reveals he came over to help Jamie fix his bike, and then Harriet flirts with Adam. You do you, girl. When Jamie decides he likes it, he’ll put a ring on it and in the meanwhile you don’t need to be waiting on his indecision.

We cut to Adam and Jamie working on the bike because transitions that make sense are impossible to find on Small Wonder. Adam says Jamie’s parents seem okay, and Jamie says they think they’re strict. Really, because they left two 12 year old boys and a 10 year old girl alone in their kitchen, and I’m not convinced they even know where Vicki was because I don’t. Adam reveals he lives with just his mom because his dad abandoned them - went to get a newspaper and never came back. It’s okay, Adam, you’re in good company. Tracy Jordan, Adrian Monk, and Punky Brewster are all memorable fictional characters whose dads stepped out on them. You’re really bland and forgettable, but clearly you can still grow up to do anything, even in Sitcomland. Adam explains that he’s a latchkey kid because his mom works two jobs, and Jamie thinks Adam has it tough. Adam gets real defensive and says he doesn’t and it bugs him when people think he does. Dude, you were the one who brought it up. If you’re just going to go around talking about being a latchkey kid, people are going to have reactions. Adam says being a latchkey kid has its advantages because a whole group of latchkey kids are going to a mountain resort for Thanksgiving. Shenanigans. I was a latchkey kid, and I had to watch my younger brothers when I was 12, and I got no mountain resort trips. I just got like, normal Thanksgiving. At my house. Jamie is interested in how that happened, and Adam says he filled out an application at the community center and answered some questions. Shenanigans again. My community center just has like, art classes and guitar lessons. Anyway, Jamie now sees the advantages of coming from a broken home.

Jamie approaches Ted with a proposal for a fun Thanskgiving, and Ted defends the 1621 Thanksgiving the Lawson family is going to have. Ted says Joan is going to slave over a hot stove all day, but Vicki is very quick to correct that point. Good on you, Vicki. Always acknowledge your worth. Anyway, it turns out Jamie wasn’t even going for the slimy approach of suggesting a trip to the mountains or anything. He just wanted his dad to play football with him, but both Ted and Joan blow him off. You know what, I’m pro whatever Jamie does to feel good about that this episode. That was pretty crummy. I’m used to Ted being a bad person, but come on Joan. You’re supposed to be perfect sometimes. Joan even made the sex joke in the scene. Wow.

In the kitchen, Jamie talks out how Adam’s going to have a blast while his Thanksgiving sucks. Then he gets an idea and whispers it to Vicki. Jamie, do you really need Vicki for this scheme? I mean, right now I’m super supportive of you doing what you need to do to get over the hurt of your parents not caring about your emotional needs, but don’t drag the girl with a social worker into it. Even though I’m sure they forgot that small detail. But Jamie Lawson has to be scheming something that would get social services called, because he never goes small.


Jamie and Vicki are at what I’m assuming is the community center, and Jamie asks Vicki if she remembers everything he told her because he’s counting on her, and she says it’s stored in her random access memory. Wow, that was clunky, guys. “Hey, just in case you tuned in 8 minutes into an episode and have never seen Small Wonder before, Jamie is scheming something with Vicki, who also happens to be a robot.” Jamie asks Vicki if she can cry tears, and Vicki explains how she can cry. Apparently, she can also sweat. But, hey, now we know how the robot cried when Grandpa said mean things about her. Jamie thinks the sweat thing is too much information, and says that Vicki should just cry.

The guy at the center enters the room and greets the kids and apologizes for making them wait, and Jamie wastes no time in laying it on thick. Jamie and Vicki have keys - where did they get those from? Did Jamie rent keys from latchkey kids? Where are those kids right now? Sure, explain the parts you don’t need to explain but gloss over the glaring details. The guy says Jamie forgot to fill in his father’s first name on the application and Jamie says he doesn’t remember it. I just can’t with this. We’re not even all the way through the first act. Okay, whatever, power through. Jamie’s even made up a very thorough story, even though I would think it’s suspicious that Jamie keeps asking Vicki to verify his details. Like, honest people don’t need so much validation, dude. So the guy asks if Vicki wants to go on the ski trip, too, but Jamie says no because Vicki needs to stay home in case anyone calls because his mom put their dad’s picture on a milk carton. I hate awkwardness and this is super freaking awkward. The guy asks for Jamie’s phone number so he can call, and then Jamie says they can’t afford a phone. See how full of holes your lie is, Jamie? I can’t believe Vicki didn’t call him out on that in rehearsal, but she probably wanted to see this train wreck.

We cut back to the Lawson house, and Joan cleaned out the fireplace in the living room because she thought it might be nice to have a fire after Thanskgiving dinner. I specify because the Lawsons have two fireplaces - trivia. Jamie offers to get some wood, but Joan says Vicki went to get some. Vicki comes back with a tree. Love that robot. The front doorbell rings and Jamie goes to answer it. It’s the guy from the center! Yay, more awkwardness. He says that Jamie’s mom has to fill out a consent form because they can’t just take kids into the mountains without one. That makes sense. Score one for Small Wonder. Then the guy says he has to confirm everything Jamie said because some kids try to scam ski trips. You don’t say.

Jamie tries to blow the guy off, but the guy calls Jamie out on it. Then Joan calls for Jamie and my gut is sent to cringe. Jamie is still trying to sell that he’s from a broken home while he is so obviously caught. Jamie is so super busted. Ted comes home, and Jamie still tries to sell it. Learn how to call it quits, Jamie. Jamie immediately apologizes when he’s called out on what he did, and Ted is quick to tell Jamie how selfish he was. Joan and Ted are also quick to punish Jamie without bothering to find out why he lied. That part bothers me. I mean, yes, Jamie did wrong, but they recognized less obvious red flags in other episodes. Is it that hard to even talk to your son? No wonder Jamie is always doing crazy things. Once Jamie leaves the room, Joan wonders what they should do with him, and Vicki suggests tying him to a tree, covering him in honey, and letting the ants eat him. She’s an awesome little sister. Ted decides to let Jamie see what Thanksgiving without his family is really like. Yeah, except, you were already giving him that. This whole thing started because you two blew him off when he wanted to spend Thanksgiving playing football with you, which you might know if you would just go talk to him. Sitcomland parenting is weird.

Ted and Joan sit down to Thanksgiving dinner, and expect Jamie to play along as they set up in alternate universe where there is no turkey. Guys, he’s looking right at it. You guys suck at this. Also, “hey, Jamie, why did you make up that outlandish story in the first place?” Those should be the words coming out of your mouth, not, “how could your mom have made a turkey if she’s working?” Jamie gives up the argument ridiculously fast, and Joan and Ted decide to eat without him. The guilt sets in really fast, too, but I’m amazed by how horrible the parenting in this episode is.

Jamie is hanging out in his room when Harriet comes up in the window. Jamie doesn’t even make her leave. Oh my gosh, this is full on depressed. Even Harriet kind of realizes something is off, but she’s 10 and doesn’t get into it. Acceptable. She’s 10, and she at least asked questions that Jamie didn’t answer. She’s not his parents. After Harriet leaves, Ted and Joan come up and forgive Jamie and tell him to join him for dinner. Jamie says no. Ted and Joan are like, “okay” and start to walk away, but Jamie points out they could have at least argued a little. Yeah, seriously. They could have done a lot differently in this episode.

So, at the table everyone says what they’re thankful for, and guys, Ted says he’s thankful for Vicki and she smiles. I love their relationship. It’s so complex. Jamie says he’s thankful for his parents. Of course you are, apparently you were the one who did wrong in this episode when your parents blew you off and then didn’t even care why you were acting out. Then we see Harriet’s face pressed up in the kitchen door. Wow. Ted invites her in, and Jamie invites her to eat. And so Harriet becomes part of the family. For thirty seconds. The end.

I don’t like awkward, but I do like this episode. Even though it did a lot of wrong things, it did get across being appreciative of what you have, and that’s really all you can ask for in Thanksgiving episodes - and there aren’t that many of those. It’s the stepchild of all the holidays. We get two days off of school and work, and we’re still like “you’re not as cool as Halloween or Christmas.” We should be more thankful for Thanksgiving. Even though Small Wonder was popular in other countries - I wonder what they think of this episode?

Continue reading →