Monday, January 18, 2016

Season 2, Episode 14: Victor Vickitoria

Once again, I owe you screencaps. They're coming.

I have an insane soft spot for this episode and “Wham Bam Bodyslam.” Let’s get that piece of information out of the way. When Small Wonder stopped airing on affiliates, they were the only two episodes I had on VHS. I watched the heck out of them. And I’m risking childhood memories for your entertainment. That’s okay. I’ve seen the episodes so many times, that I’ve probably already snarked on them at least a little. Let’s do it. Let’s harden my soft spot.

We start with Vicki and Jamie on the couch, watching a baseball game. Jamie is tossing a ball into his mitt as he watches, and I mean, my brother is a hardcore Atlanta Braves fan and I have never in my life seen him watch a game like that. Sure, he’d make us play catch after or something, but during the game he was focused on the game. The pitcher in the game strikes someone out, and Jamie asks Vicki if she saw that. She’s sitting next to you. Of course she saw that. Vicki responds by saying she can throw a fastball like that, and without hesitation takes Jamie’s ball and throws it through the kitchen door. That wacky robot!

Jamie is sure Ted will kill them when Harriet rings the front door bell and announces herself. I have many questions. How does Harriet always know what room Jamie is in? Why is she announcing herself when she usually doesn’t? Is Harriet actually a robot? Wait, no, Brandon’s not that smart. Anyway, Jamie makes Vicki answer the door while he retrieves the ball. Harriet wants to know if Jamie can come out and play, but he says he’s busy, so Harriet decides to come in and play. Jamie does not seem satisfied with these results. Okay, I didn’t mention Jamie turned off the TV before because I didn’t think it was worth mentioning, but then he turns it back on when he comes back in from the kitchen. Why, Jamie? What was the point?

Jamie’s back to watching the game, and Harriet seems disappointed. Jamie points out he’s the catcher for his team, and since they start practice soon, he needs to watch the games for pointers. I’m sure how that works. I mean, Vicki totally nailed pitching from watching the game. But then again, she’s a robot. Harriet, ever the good future wife, decides she needs to take an interest in her man’s interests. Jamie asks Harriet to sit somwhere else, and she moves to the other side of him. Harriet is adorable. Harriet asks Jamie to teach her about baseball, and he gets an evil look on his face. Why do you resist your love, Jamie Lawson? Jamie turns off the TV again, and the kicks Harriet out of the house. Jamie is an awful future husband.

Ted and Joan come downstairs, and I don’t even want to question why it took them so long to come down. It’s Small Wonder. I know. Ted has bats and a mitt, and once they’re in the living room Ted tells Joan she looks like a pack of bubblegum. Didn’t you see what she was wearing upstairs? How is this the time to point it out? Also, dude, you know Joan hits. Joan tells Ted to chew on it. I love her. Ted asks if Jamie’s ready to practice, and Jamie couldn’t be any more excited. He says Reggie is going to meet them.

Joan notices the door, which actually takes a really long time for her to notice. It’s like she was looking everywhere but the door just long enough for Ted and Jamie to exchange dialog. Ted demands answers. Jamie says Vicki did it, but it’s just as much his fault. How, Jamie? All you did was ask her if she saw the strike out. All the rest was Vicki. Also, what have you done with Jamie Lawson? Joan and Ted forgive it pretty easily, with Ted reminding Jamie to be careful with what he tells Vicki. Oh my gosh, a fair punishment in the Lawson home. I’m in awe. Ted says that Vicki is going to go, too, so she can learn about baseball. Vicki says she knows about baseball and kicks Ted out the way Jamie did with Harriet. I love Vicki so much.

The Lawsons show up to the baseball field and Reggie is already there. Ted says if the boys play really hard, maybe their team will make it to the championships. Ted just pushed the exposition button. Apparently, the team is so bad, they came in last place and their sponsor quit on them - they don’t even have uniforms. Joan suggests Ted ask his company because United Robotronics sponsors lots of youth projects. Ted says that’s a good idea and then gets the boys practicing without even taking a breath. But it took Joan the better part of a minute to notice a hole in the door. Pacing, guys. Pacing.

Oh my gosh, Vicki and Ted have a stare down that Joan has to break up because Vicki called Ted out on doing a bad impersonation. I love these two. Joan decides she wants to play, and Ted conveniently has another glove for her. He tells her to go out into the outfield and she wonders if the glove goes on her hand. Come on, Joan. Nobody is that sport stupid. Ted tells Vicki to stand out of the way. Then he pitches to Reggie and throws his back out. Vicki makes fun of Ted. I love her. Joan takes Ted home and she tells the kids to be back by dinner time. Yep, that’s right, they left Vicki, too. This is going to be good. On the way out, Ted’s head bumps into the chainlink fence, and I actually laughed out loud at that. That was a fun gag.

Reggie asks what he and Jamie will do with no one to pitch to them, and Jamie suggests that Vicki can do it. Reggie doesn’t believe a girl can pitch, but Jamie doesn’t think they have anything to lose. Reggie thinks it’s a waste of time, but Jamie tells Vicki to repeat the pitch she saw on TV that morning. Vicki pitches so fast, Jamie is thrown back when he catches it. Then Jamie tells Vicki to throw a slow ball. It moves impossibly slow. Then Jamie asks for a curveball, and the ball swerves all over the place. Reggie keeps swinging to try to hit it, but the first time it was over his head. Dude, that’s clearly a ball and you have to let it go. Reggie is impressed with Vicki’s pitching skill.

Meanwhile, in the Lawson kitchen, Ted is in a lot of pain. Joan suggests that Ted’s involvement with Jamie’s baseball team should be limited to finding the team a sponsor. Ted agrees and decides to call his company’s president. Joan asks if that’s a good idea to do while he’s at home on a Sunday, but Ted says he’s in close with the guy. Oh, I’m going to say you’re not just because you’re not Brandon’s boss. They really overexaggerate how much pain Ted is in with his every movement and it really annoys me. If he’s in that much pain, go to the doctor. Ted makes the call, but the United Robotronics president makes Ted repeat that he will never, ever call him at home on a Sunday ever again. Joan calls Ted out on it, and Ted just has to accept he overinflated some things.

In the backyard, Jamie, Reggie, and Vicki are returning from the baseball field. Reggie is still impressed with Vicki’s skill. Reggie wishes that they had a pitcher like Vicki, and I can see this episode being set up nicely. Jamie decides Vicki should pitch for them, but Reggie points out Coach Simpson won’t let girls on the team. Jamie then says Coach Simpson doesn’t know Vicki is a girl. Reggie thinks that’s a dumb idea, but after Jamie points out that they don’t have a chance without her, Reggie wants to know how they’ll convince Coach that Vicki is a boy. Then we go to commercial break. They don’t even do that fake whisper plan thing. It’s awkward.

In the kitchen, Ted is going through the Yellow Pages, trying to find a sponsor for Jamie’s team. He’s down to Wally’s Delicatessen, who can’t sponsor the team but will donate a chop liver baseball and kosher pickle bat for opening day. I would say not bad, but really - chopped liver? There’s a knock at the backdoor, and it turns out to be Reggie. I seriously want to know how everyone knows which room the Lawsons happen to be in. Joan sends Reggie up to Jamie’s room.

Wow, it takes Reggie less than a second to get up to Jamie’s room. Did he teleport? Anyway, Jamie comes out of the bathroom right when Reggie materializes in Jamie’s room, so the timing is perfect. Reggie wants to know why Jamie called Reggie and told him to hurry over. I want to know how Jamie called Reggie. Ted’s on the phone looking for sponsors in the Yellow Pages and he’s down to the Ws. It’s 1986, so it’s not like Jamie texted Reggie. I need answers. Jamie has dressed Vicki up in his baseball clothes and I mean, she’s still obviously a girl, but okay, let’s go along with the episode. Reggie decides while Vicki is just standing their that they need to work on Vicki’s walk, but in teaching Vicki how to walk like a boy, Jamie and Reggie seem to forget themselves. Reggie then tries to teach Vicki how to talk like a jock, and then Reggie smacks Jamie on the butt. Vicki questions that, but Jamie’s like, “It’s a jock thing.” That has always been weird to me. What is the point of the butt smack? I know that’s not on Small Wonder, but it’s still on my list of important questions. Then they teach Vicki how to pick up girls, because I’m sure that’s going to come up in a game of baseball. Guys, how far are you trying to take this charade?

Harriet pops up in the window, and she somehow thinks Vicki is a cute boy. Then Vicki hits on Harriet, and Harriet tells Jamie that she’s going to leave him for “Victor.” That’s how femslash fiction gets started, guys. What is happening in this episode? Jamie closes the shade on Harriet, but Harriet makes sure to say bye to “Victor.” Jamie is pleased that Harriet is fooled, because they can fool anyone. Jamie makes sure he and Reggie is in this scam together, but as soon as Ted and Joan come up to Jamie’s room, Reggie bolts.

Ted demands to know why Vicki is dressed like a boy. Then Vicki hits on Joan. That’s your mother, Vicki. Jamie owns up to trying to use Vicki to help the team win the championship, but Joan and Ted are quick to point out that’s cheating. This was when, as a kid, I wondered how it was fair to try to raise a robot like a kid knowing that it couldn’t really do anything like a kid. No wonder Vicki’s always getting attitude with Ted. Jamie does not agree with his parents.

Jamie takes Vicki to tryouts anyway. Hey, it’s the same coach that cut Jamie from the football team! So I guess there’s only one coach in this town. Vicki smacks the coach on the butt. She’s a real jock now, I guess. But I guess the baseball team is so bad that coach says a pitcher only has to make the ball to home plate in one bounce or less. It’s good to have standards. Vicki throws a fastball so fast that it smokes. Then she throws another impossible curve ball. Coach decides that “Victor” can be on the team. But then Coach picks up Vicki and her hat falls off, so the jig is up. Coach decides Vicki can still be on the team.

Ted and Joan come down to the baseball field and see that Jamie brought Vicki to tryouts anyway. How did they not notice Vicki leaving a house dressed up like a boy? You know what, it’s Small Wonder - I know. Jamie starts to feel guilty about cheating, so he asks Vicki if she remembers the pitch where Ted threw his back out and then whispers in her ear. I mean, it’s super obvious he told her to throw out her back, right? That’s exactly what Vicki does, and it’s so realistic Joan worries about her. Ted reminds Joan that robots can’t get hurt and theorizes that Jamie’s conscious must have caught up with him. Jamie apologizes to the coach and the Lawsons walk onto the field. Jamie starts to explain, but Ted and Joan say that they saw everything and they’re proud of Jamie. Why? Doing the right thing to fix the wrong thing doesn’t change that he still did the wrong thing after you told him not to. Reggie comes up and asks if Vicki will be okay, and Jamie says she will but the team won’t and they’ll be last place again. Ted reveals that he got the team a sponsor - it’s a mortuary. Vicki says it’s perfect because without her the team will be dead and buried again.

The End. Actually, I was right - I’d seen this episode so many times I’m numb to all the dumbness. But I do wish I could unsee Vicki hitting on Joan. Also, no sex jokes! Because I assume they were doing and not talking in this episode. It’s the only way to explain some things.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Season 2, Episode 13: Here Comes the Judge

The screencaps will be late again this week because of a hectic work schedule. I apologize. I will try to have them up by the end of the weekend.

I only have vague memories of this episode, but I’m pretty sure we get Joan back in the classroom, and I’m a big fan of anything that gets Joan out of the kitchen. Let’s just get right to it.

So of course we start in the kitchen. I was super optimistic for nothing. Vicki is setting the table while Joan is cooking, and based on what she’s wearing, Joan is definitely back to being a teacher. Like they remembered that little detail from 10 episodes ago. The roast Joan was cooking was raw because apparently Joan forgot how to cook and just set the timer. Joan says that Ted is going to growl like a lion, and Vicki is just like, “Then he should like raw meat.” Love that robot. No cares are given. But then Joan has a pretty good idea and has Vicki cook the roast with her finger. Dude, Vicki is faster than a microwave. I would make Vicki cook all my food with her finger - and I’m pro-robot rights. But you know what I’m also in favor of? Food that’s done in 30 seconds.

Ted conveniently comes home just then, through the living room, leaving me confused as to how the Lawsons decide which door to enter. I mean, their garage is in the backyard, right? So I’m starting to understand entering through the kitchen. Stop confusing me, Small Wonder. Ted thinks the roast smells great, and Joan says she slaved all day over it. Vicki kind of scoffs at that, so Joan begrudgingly admits Vicki helped. Ted asks how Joan’s day was, and Joan says she wishes she could substitute for Jamie’s regular teacher more often. Oh my gosh, you guys, Small Wonder actually covered up a continuity gaffe. If only there were Small Wonder related celebration gifs.

Anyway, Joan comments on how well Vicki is doing in class, and Ted says he still gets nervous when she’s out of the house. You were doing so well! Not only was it your idea for Vicki to go to school, Ted, but in the past 10 episodes since this dropped teacher storyline, Vicki has been out of the house a lot. Vicki has been out of the house a lot since season one. Vicki’s had a job, Ted, a job. How are you nervous? Then Ted comments on how Vicki is more human everyday. Then why are you always trying to dismantle her, Ted? I’m already over you and we’re only two minutes in, Ted. Joan says the only real difference is Vicki doesn’t eat at lunch, and Vicki comments on how gross cafeteria food is. No one wants to ask where she learned that from? No? We’re just going to let that line be a cue for Jamie’s entrance? Okay, fine. Come in, Jamie.

Jamie wants furniture polish to clean up a gavel. Three minute mark - and one minute of that was theme song. Congrats, Small Wonder. This is the fastest your nonsense has broken me. Also, this opening is dense. I’m kind of hoping for a light episode after we get this clunkiness out of the way. Ted asks what the gavel’s for, and Jamie says he’s a judge. So Ted makes fun of Jamie’s height. Seriously, Ted, you can go away now. Joan says she’s teaching Jamie’s class about the American Legal system. Since when do substitutes make up the lesson plans? Are you a long term sub or not? Get it together, guys! Joan says that they’re going to try the cases of students who break the rules at school. That is actually inspired. I like that idea. Accept this promise to let one flaw go. Jamie says the other kids voted him for judge because of his judge-like qualities, but Vicki is quick to bust his chops and point out none of the other kids wanted it. Vicki is the best little sister a kid could want.

Ted says he saved the family $50 by not getting a ticket when he parked in front of a fire hydrant. When Jamie asks how Ted missed seeing it, Ted admits he saw it but then gives a long winded speech about not caring. Then we’re at Jamie’s locker at school, and Vicki is standing next to him. I’m letting that one go. Jamie appoints Vicki to be his court reporter, but she says that word is not in her bubble memory module. Remember the good old days when she’d just say she wasn't programmed to know a word? That was less... painful. Then Reggie and Warren show up. Warren! I haven’t seen you since you were getting lusty with Jessica. Please, please get back together with Vicki.

Warren sneezes on Reggie and blames his allergy. Then Warren asks Jamie for some private time before class, where he reveals he’s Jamie’s first case. Jamie says he’ll take care of it, but Reggie is like, “that’s not how real judges act.” Jamie says he’ll learn through trial and error. Reggie’s face at that comment is worth letting two flaws go. Okay, this review is already pretty bulky six minutes in and I just want to type less. Whatever. Anyway, Reggie says Jamie has to be tough like Judge Wapner on People’s Court. Oh, oh, oh! So, I just discovered Sliders, so I think Jamie should be tough like Judge Wapner on Soviet States of America World! Okay, let’s get back to this show. Jamie agrees, and makes Reggie his baliff.

Then we’re in the classroom and Reggie is at the front of the class as Joan tells the kids to settle down. Letting that transition go. Joan says the kids should learn about the justice system by the end of the week, and then tells Reggie to call the court to order. But... nope, cashing in that other letting it go card. Jamie enters and court gets started. Warren takes the stand and tries to butter up the judge from the stand. For a smart guy, Warren, you are stupid. Warren’s crime is running up the down staircase. Is this Wayside school? What is a down staircase? Also, what kind of crime is that? I had really hoped Warren had stink bombed his science class or something. He is the worst nerd ever. Warren pleads guilty and then winks at the judge. This has to be Jessica’s influence. She makes boys stupid. Jamie says that running up the down staircase is a serious offense. No, it is not. It is not even a real thing. Jamie looks like he might go easy on Warren, so Reggie reminds him to think Wapner so Jamie sentences Warren to washing dishes in the cafeteria for six months. Wow. I’m stupefied. I have no other reactions.

Luckily, Joan can react for me. She tells Jamie that the punishment usually fits the crime, so Jamie sentences Warren to eating the food in the cafeteria, too. Joan then clarifies that she thinks the punishment is too harsh. Jamie asks the class what they think, and when they agree with Joan, he ignores everyone. Power goes to your head that fast, huh? The second case turns out to be Reggie. Wait, what? What? Just... what?! No reactions. Jamie says Reggie didn’t say anything, and Reggie says it doesn’t matter because Jamie will let him off. WHAT?! Guys, I can’t. I’m laughing uncontrollably and it’s because of how completely broken I am. Reggie was caught throwing water balloons and there were a lot of witnesses. Then Reggie bribes Jamie with Madonna tickets. You are a horrible person, Reggie Williams. Jamie throws out the case.

Joan decides at that point she needs to know what Reggie and Jamie were whispering about. Like the whole class couldn’t hear them. Jamie objects, but Joan overrules him and has Vicki repeat the conversation. Joan decides that the first case on the docket the next day is Jamie on the charge of accepting a bribe. Good. At least one thing in this episode makes some sense.

That was only act one you guys. Okay, let’s keep going.

So the Lawsons are at the table eating dinner. Jamie butters up Joan hard. Ted calls him out on it with pantomime. Joan says Jamie still has to go on trial, so Jamie appeals to Ted. Dude, Jamie, this is a school issue. It’s not Ted’s problem. Also, let’s not include him in this. He has no moral compass. Ted is like, “don’t drag me into it” but Jamie apparently thinks that means amp it up so he points out Ted got away with breaking the law. Ted says that’s different, but Joan agrees with Jamie’s point. Guys, act two is a really bad time to make the B-plot a thing. That’s what happens when the episode is too dense. Jamie decides Vicki should be his lawyer, but Vicki points out she isn’t programmed to be one. Vicki, sweetie, you learned to jump start a heart from watching TV. You can be a lawyer. Jamie tells her she will be programmed after reading a book, so she kind of agrees?

We cut to Ted flagging down the meter maid and oh my gosh it’s Harriette Winslow! She is pretty adamant that she’s a parking enforcement officer. Being a police officer runs in the Winslow family. Ted asks the meter maid to give a ticket to the car parked in front of the fire hydrant and guys - this is the first time we actually see the Lawson car. Like, we knew they had one but we have never actually seen it. I think it’s actually Discount Eddie’s car, but I want to believe. Harriette Winslow asks if it’s his ex-wife’s car, and when he admits it’s his, she’s like, “well, then, just move it.” Ted really wants a ticket, though, so Harriette Winslow decides to give him one - until she finds out his name is Ted. That’s her two-year-old son’s name and it’s his birthday. No two year old ever in 1986 was named Ted. You’re lying, Harriette Winslow. So Ted throws a temper tantrum, and Harriette Winslow thinks he’s just like her son and walks away. The parking enforcement officer is the best part of this episode. Also, I just realized Harriet Brindle isn’t in this episode. I digress.

We cut to the classroom, and we learn that Warren Enright is the new judge. Jamie’s going to be hanged. Jamie approaches the bench and asks if he has the right to an attorney. When Joan and Warren say that he does, he calls for Lawyer Vicki. Vicki is an adorable lawyer, but a very mixed up one. She asks the court if Jamie has the face of a man who beats his wife. I’m letting that one go because I just can’t right now. Vicki then asks if Jamie is a monkey or a man, then says he’s mentally incompetent and rests. Okay, that was funny. Warren suspends Jamie’s sentence, but Joan makes Warren actually punish Jamie so Warren sentences Jamie to erase the board. But Joan keeps pushing for more, so Warren adds writing “I will not accept bribes” 100 times, two weeks detention, and death by guillotine. Dang, don’t get tried in the court of Warren Enright. Joan guesses they can suspend the death by guillotine. You’re all heart, Joan Lawson.

Jamie apologizes to the class and accepts his punishment like a man. Joan says he got off easy and they should have thrown the book at him, so Vicki literally throws the book at Jamie and knocks him over. At this point I don’t know if I’m laughing because it was funny or because of the trauma. There’s still three minutes left.

We cut to Joan painting her nails at the kitchen table, when the phone rings. Joan comedically answers the phone with wet nails. Ted is on the phone and he regales Joan with his adventures in trying to get a ticket. It ended with him telling law enforcement how to do their job and Ted needing to get bailed out. Joan says she can’t because her nails are wet. I love her. She quickly says she was kidding, but Ted had already been dragged away from the phone at this point. Episode over.

That was not a good kind of dense, you guys. I like some of the denser episodes because they have a goodness that they’re trying to nurture. This episode was punishment. I just got punished for liking Small Wonder, by Small Wonder.

Firsts: we see the Lawson family car.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Season 2, Episode 12: Crazy Like a Fox

We are half way through season 2! Anyway, lets get to this episode, which I remember having no fondness for, and that’s just not a great way to start.

We start with Vicki and Jamie walking home from what appears to be the store, and I am already calling shenanigans because Jamie’s carrying the bag. He always makes Vicki do it. I’m starting to get the creeped out feeling Jamie’s been replaced with a robot child himself. A creeper is totally watching them from behind a newspaper, and I have to wonder just where in the world this grocery store is. The super shady part of town? Anyway, Jamie and Vicki pause to look at all the cool stuff in Discount Eddie’s car trunk, and that’s when the creeper pounces. His merchandise is even guaranteed for life or 30 days, whichever comes first. Dark. Jamie asks why Eddie sells things out of his car, and Eddie says he likes to keep the merchandise moving. Ha ha. I mean, I would too if - no, jumping ahead. Eddie has a radio to show the kids, but says he can’t plug it in to show them how it works. He hands it to Vicki and it instantly starts playing. That’s not how electricity works! Eddie is really confused, and Jamie says it must be the battery. Eddie says the radio doesn’t work on batteries, but Jamie mumbles that Vicki does. Smooth. Also, original point - that’s not how electricity works! They’ve always had to use Vicki’s armpit plug before - she couldn’t just touch things and make them work. Small Wonder might be getting worse. Eddie catches the comment, but Jamie and Vicki start to hurry off.

However, Eddie is not done trying to make a sale. He shows Jamie a really neat battery powered TV - the “hottest” item Eddie’s got. Jamie says he can’t afford it, but what a coincidence, Eddie is selling it for the $10.18 Jamie has left over from Joan’s grocery money. Jamie buys it, deciding he can pay Joan back with his allowance. Well, at least paying Joan back crosses his mind.

Then we make one of those weird transitions where Jamie and Vicki just walk into the back door. You know, some places that could use filler conversation just never get it. Joan and Ted both walk into the kitchen, and Ted is in his work clothes, so I’m guessing the filler conversation we missed out on was an obligatory sex joke. Ted tests out the TV, but can’t pick up a picture and Vicki helpfully points out Ted always says there’s nothing on TV. Knowing Jamie got ripped off, Ted gets the information to find Discount Eddie and talk to him himself. Also, I just noticed that the TV is a Sony Watchman with the W blacked out on the box. Why even include a box? The guy is selling “hot” items out of his trunk. Jamie apologizes about the money, but Joan decides it was worth the lesson. Wait, he’s still going to pay her back, right? Otherwise, how is he learning the lesson? Joan asks Vicki to help her make lunch and I’m totally confused about everything happening in this episode right now. What day is it? Why is Ted in a suit? What is happening? Joan gives Vicki a can to open, but it says shake well, so Vicki starts shaking. Also, this was super pointless - they could have just had the filler conversation to have a less awkward transition earlier.

In the back yard, Vicki is watching Jamie bounce on a pogo stick, and really, they’re going to have two special effects in a row? Hearing what Dick Christie and Marla Pennington have said about trying to avoid being in the shot so they didn’t have to do the special effects, I am honestly surprised Tiffany Brissette has not penned a tell all explaining how hard her Small Wonder life was. I read somewhere the dress that had the back panel and stuff weighed a lot, too. Sure enough, Jamie has Vicki take a turn and Vicki jumps right out of the backyard and lands in a tree. Then Harriet comes over and wants to know what Jamie is looking at. He says nothing as Vicki returns, covered in foliage, carrying the pogo stick. Jamie asks Vicki out of the side of his mouth if she’s okay, and she responds out of the side of her mouth that she was but she scared a woodpecker. Okay, I don’t know why I find that adorably funny, but I do. I’m being brainwashed by a show I already liked. Harriet catches on to their conversation and asks them what they’re talking about out of the side of her mouth. Side mouth talking is weird. Harriet reveals that the Brindles and the Lawsons are going to a banquet, and Harriet will be staying with Jamie and Vicki. Jamie says he’s going to watch Dracula, and tries to scare Harriet. She offers her neck. Harriet Brindle is a fangbanger. I never knew. Jamie isn’t looking to hook up with no fangbanger and he holds up his fingers in a cross. Yeah, like, seriously, slow your roll, Harriet. It is a little weird that you have a response for “what if Jamie was a vampire?”

Bonnie comes over, and Vicki repeats Jamie’s vampire act with her. Bonnie takes off running into the Lawson house. Harriet, that is a proper reaction for the Lawson kids acting weird. Not baring your neck. Learn from your mother. Also, it’s a transition that makes sense! When Bonnie runs into the kitchen, we see Joan folding towels. Bonnie says she wants to look especially beautiful for the banquet, and Joan says she does, too, and Bonnie implies Joan would need a miracle worker. Bonnie Brindle is an amazing friend.

Then we cut to Ted looking for Discount Eddie. Still? Also, transition that made no sense. Also, still? Does this episode of Small Wonder have absolutely no concept of time? Ted finds Discount Eddie and amazingly gets Jamie’s money back for the TV with very little hassle. They can even keep the broken TV! Which, actually, is a deal because you think someone who built Vicki could fix a mini-TV. But, you know, logically - not a deal. Ted says thank you and starts to leave, but Eddie is not done yet. Eddie is a scary character, when you think about it. Eddie pushes a fox stole on Ted. Ted knows he can’t afford it because it should cost like $1000, but Eddie is willing to sell it for $150. Ted then knows that it’s hot, and I’m not emphasis anymore because they are now being very open about hot meaning stolen merchandise. Ted gives in and buys it. Dude, really? It’s one thing that Jamie didn’t know hot meant stolen, but you were the one who said the stole was hot. You know better.

Joan is preparing some meal - I have no idea what is going on in this episode - when Ted comes home. Joan assumes that Ted couldn’t get the money back for the TV but Ted said he got the money back and got to keep the TV. Joan points out the TV doesn’t work, so she recognizes how that’s not a deal, but seriously - Ted can fix it, right? Then Ted presents Joan with a fur stole. She loves it, until she finds out Ted got it from Discount Eddie’s. She also figures out it’s hot, but Joan has more morals than Ted.

The kids come in, and Vicki reveals Jamie’s been teaching her to jump over the garage. She says she’s the Evil Kneval of the pogo stick. Ted lets Jamie know that Eddie said he could keep the TV, so Jamie thinks he might sell it to get ahead. His parents chide him and say that’s dishonest, but I’m saying Ted just knowingly bought a stolen fur so can we really have that talk right now? Jamie grumbles about having a TV that doesn’t work and seriously, is Ted somehow unqualified to fix TVs? He built a freaking robot child.

We cut to Jamie, Harriet, and Vicki watching Dracula. It must be a scary part because Vicki screams and Harriet cuddles Jamie. Jamie is not amused by this turn of events. Jamie said that he didn’t think vampire movies scared Harriet, and she owns up to just using it as an excuse to get her arms around him. The fact Harriet did not end up on the floor the second that confession ended is a sign of Jamie’s love for the girl. He reaches for the popcorn, which lets Harriet see the broken mini-TV. She thinks it’s adorable. Jamie decides that his parents said he couldn’t sell the TV to anyone, but it’s okay for Vicki to sell it to Harriet. I take back wondering if Jamie’s been replaced because that is definitely the son of Ted Lawson. Vicki sells the TV to Harriet for $3.

Ted comes home frustrated because Discount Eddie has already moved on and he can’t return the stole. I guess it’s the next day? Time in this episode makes no sense at all. Then like five seconds later Bonnie and Harriet barge into the Lawson kitchen and Bonnie is pissed that Vicki sold Harriet a TV that didn’t work. Pacing. Small Wonder doesn’t have it. Joan and Harriet walk off to go get Harriet’s money back, and Bonnie notices the stolen stole. Bonnie wants to buy it, but Ted comes clean about it being stolen, which Bonnie tries to ignore. Then Ted does bad sign language. That is offensive. Offensiveness has to go into the season 2 version of the drinking game. Bonnie just buys it without caring. Joan comes back and is pretty pissed that Ted sold the stole, but Bonnie owns up to the fact that she lives by her own rules. Joan tries to buy it back, but Bonnie now wants $500. Then Joan and Bonnie have a catfight in the kitchen! Small Wonder is getting real, yo! Bonnie gets away, but Joan ripped off a foot. Then Jamie reveals that he fixed the TV by plugging it into Vicki and using her as an antenna. Everyone lived happily ever after, the end.

I’m seriously so confused by this episode I don’t think I’m processing it. You think a family that just had their house robbed wouldn’t be so keen on buying hot merchandise, but whatever. In sitcomland, you do whatever situation is wackiest.