Season 2, Episode 17: Wham-Bam Body Slam

You guys, this is sincerely one of my favorite episodes of Small Wonder of all time! It has a future governor in it! Who's also a wrestler! Also, this is the first time as a child I noticed a continuity error - well, my mom noticed but she relied on my memory to confirm that it actually happened. I'm the one who submitted it to the episode's IMDB page!

Without any further ado, let's get into this feature presentation.

 

The episode starts with Jamie and Vicki watching Jesse the Body Ventura wrestling on TV, because of course it does. Then Ted comes downstairs and he gets really into it, too. I barely remember 80s wrestling since, well, I was a toddler, so I don't remember who all the heroes and villains were - but judging by the boos and Jesse throwing the referee out of the ring, Jesse definitely seems to be a villain. The entire Lawson family loves him, though, so I believe this substantiates some of my theories about them being sociopaths and serial killers. Joan comes in from the kitchen because of course she does and wants to talk about dinner, but the entire family silences her. Who cares about food? Wrestling!

Joan waits politely for Jesse to perform his signature Wham Bam Body Slam before trying to talk again, but Ted remembers he hasn't expressed his alpha maleness in awhile and starts demanding popcorn and drinks. Ted, Joan hits you. You should think things through before manterrupting. Joan does get upset and throw a popcorn bowl at Ted before storming out of the room. Vicki threw a towel at Ted and followed after Joan, but at this point I can't tell if it's in solidarity for the mom who usually loves her, or it's that beautiful Vicki/Ted relationship. Maybe both.

Vicki and Joan come back from the market, because Small Wonder has amazing transitions, and literally the second they walk through the door, Joan asks Vicki to make her coffee and toast. In her own special Vicki way, she calls Joan out for being a hypocrite. The doorbell rings, and Joan decides to have Vicki answer the door instead. Joan listens to reason and that's why I like her, even if she does hit. Also, you know this isn't someone who normally associates with the Lawsons because they don't automatically know what room they happen to be in.

Vicki opens the door and it's Jesse the Body Ventura! He asks Vicki if her mother is home. Vicki confirms she is and then shuts the door. Wow, living with the Lawsons and next door to the Brindles has just made Vicki so over the human race. Joan comes into the living room to ask who was at the door, and Vicki gives a proper introduction before showing Jesse the Body Ventura on the other side. Joan seems really nervous that a wrestler just showed up at their house, and treats him like he's an escaped criminal she saw on the news. Oh, I guess Joan is the one Lawson who doesn't love the villains.

Apparently, Jesse saw Joan at the shopping mall and followed her home. Um, wow, Small Wonder. You don't know how to introduce a big guest star like a professional wrestler, so you just result to having him stalk a woman at the mall? Apparently, Joan went to college with him when he was known as Wally Crandle and she used to give him mercy dates. Now that she knows who he is, she ignores the stalking and invites him into her home. Joan's all about her family's safety like that.

It also turns out that Jesse took up body building because he was tired of getting picked on by guys in college - and the most relentless was Ted Lawson. I mean, that checks because Ted Lawson is a sociopathic serial killer, but he's a robotics engineer - how did he swing being the nerd and the bully? Joan decides to invite Jesse to dinner, and he agrees under the condition that Joan does not tell Ted how much he's changed since college. That's fair. Wally the Wimp deserves comeuppance.

Ted comes home and straight up catches Harriet in the act of eavesdropping. There's no way Harriet doesn't know Vicki's a robot by now, right? The Lawsons barely watch what they say when they know someone's in the other room, and here's Harriet always snooping. Ted asks her if she's heard anything interesting, and she said a guest is coming to dinner and she's trying to find out who it is. Then Harriet suddenly realizes that she's been busted and explains she's been practicing for when she grows up to be a Hollywood gossip columnist. Small Wonder - fast and loose with the definition of stalking. Ted then gives Harriet the tip to use a stethoscope. Um, does Ted want Harriet finding out Vicki is a robot if she hasn't already figured it out? What the heck is this scene?

Ted enters the kitchen and Vicki announces that the jerk is home. Yep, it's just that beautiful Vicki/Ted relationship. Every day I'm more and more sad Fox quit this show just before the teenage years. Joan lets Ted know that they have a surprise guest, but then tells him that it's Wally Crandle, so Ted should really be suspicious of what's going on. Of course, he's not, because he's already thinking about tormenting Wally Crandle because that's what sociopaths do. Joan warns Ted to be nice to Wally, and he says he will. Then he borrows Vicki under the guise of looking for old college yearbooks, but he wants to program his robot for evil. Then he straight up does an evil villain laugh. I can't make this up! Ted Lawson is a super villain.

Ted and Vicki are going over the pranks he's programmed her to pull off, and he gets excited just thinking about them. Then the doorbell rings, and Ted is already making fun of Wally - but nothing shuts him up faster than opening the door and seeing Jesse the Body Ventura. That's right, Ted. You're going to die.

Jamie comes in to tell Joan that the oven timer just went off, then makes this precious face children only make when face to face with their idols. Jesse shakes hands with Jamie and Vicki, only unfortunately, Ted had already forgotten about the pranks, so Vicki shocks Jesse and Ted can't stop it from happening. Everyone knows Ted did it, but he still tries to pass the blame onto Vicki.

So, three of the Lawsons and Jesse eat dinner, and I'm wondering how Jesse didn't question Vicki not eating? I know I would. Jesse compliments the meal, the home, and the kids and does it in a way that insults Ted, and I love Jesse even more than I already did. Meanwhile, Jamie catches Harriet at the door, and she's back with a stethoscope. Jamie yells into the door, which of course hurts Harriet's ears. Jamie says it serves her right for snooping, but Harriet says she just wanted to meet Jesse the Body Ventura with a look she normally reserves for Jamie. Oh, man, Jamie's being replaced by a much older man. Jamie gets jealous because he can deny his feelings for Harriet all he wants, but he still feels them. He asks Harriet if she'd like it if he had a body like Jesse's, but she doesn't think he has the head for it. Jamie slams the door on Harriet.

Vicki comes into the kitchen and announces that dinner is ready. Everyone adjourns into the living room, but Joan tells Ted to bring the coffee. That's right, Joan. Make him bring you drinks. Ted walks into the living room again just in time to catch Vicki pulling off a second prank he forgot to unprogram her to do. Despite the fact he very obviously tries to stop Vicki, Ted tries to blame the whole thing on Vicki, but Jesse is not dumb. He decides to use Ted as a volunteer to show Jamie some wrestling moves.

After the demonstration, where Ted is clearly all shook up, Joan and Jamie go to clean up the kitchen. Jesse says it's a good thing that he didn't use his Wham Bam Body Slam on him, and Vicki decides this is a perfect time to show off. Also, I'm pretty impressed that this is the only special effect in the whole episode, and it actually ties into the plot. Jesse's confidence takes quite the hit being body slammed by an 11 year old girl. Ted decides to do the most human thing in his life, and he lets Jesse in on the family secret.

Jesse is impressed by Vicki, and grateful that Ted let him on the secret just to restore his confidence. I mean, that is an extreme act of trust - Jesse is a celebrity and could easily put that information on blast. It also puts all of his conspiracy theories into perspective when you realize he's known robots walk among us since 1987. Jesse decides that he needs to make things right and make Ted look good in front of his family, so he stages it so it looks like Ted beat him at wrestling. This friendship seems mended to me.

After Jesse leaves, Ted admits to being a jerk and apologizes. Joan forgives him. However, there was one prank that Ted had forgotten about the whole time.

The Duck Prank.

The end. I love this episode so much. Ted gets everything that's coming to him, and a celebrity is in on Vicki's secret. But let me show you this continuity error. It's involves Vicki's pinnafore. As you know, Ted unhooked it to show Jesse Vicki's back panel. But when he tried to hook it back together, he missed and it stayed unhooked.

And it stayed that way, which you can see in some of the other screenshots, but here's some more.

However, it was fixed here, right before Ted goes upstairs.

And here, after the reveal of the duck prank.

But continuity was never a word in the Small Wonder memory banks.

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Season 1, Episode 23: Health Nuts

We are almost there!  One more episode and season 1 is a thing of the past, and we’re one quarter of the way through all Small Wonder episodes.  Yay!  I don’t see why we should wait, so let’s get right to it.

Joan has come home from grocery shopping, and the bags are clearly too heavy for her.  Jamie offers to give Joan a hand… by opening the door.  That was real helpful, Jamie.  Keep learning your dad’s alpha male traits.  Joan asks Jamie to get the rest of the things out of the car so she can go get their father, and I wonder if the Lawsons are a one car family.  I know that errands day ballet well, except our version involved waking up at 6 am to take dad to work because mom wasn’t going to leave us home alone even if we were just sleeping.  Jamie says he’s taken care of it, and poor Vicki shows up completely buried in bags and dry cleaning.  Poor robot can’t ever catch a break.

Turns out Ted is already home because he got a ride from his coworker Lou, which apparently the family met at the company picnic.  Do companies actually have picnics?  I have never been to one.  I have been to theme parks with my parents companies, so maybe my parents just worked for less cheap and way cooler companies.  Apparently Lou was a big 300 pound man, but Ted goes on about how Lou’s family went to a health club and now Lou is a lean 165 pounds.  Ted thinks it sounds great, and of course, being a kid, Jamie’s all like, “You know what sounds better?  Junk food.”   Vicki decides to voice her concerns about Jamie’s habits and says junk food will ruin his cardiovascular system and give him zits.  That’s an urban myth – the zits, not the negative health effects, though exercise counteracts those, too.

Jamie’s all “Who asked her?” and Ted for once agrees with Vicki – and eats Jamie’s chip.  Bravo.  Ted reluctantly agrees Vicki is right for real, and admits that he’s having real body image issues and he wants to get into shape.  Joan says that Ted looks great, and right when he starts to feel better about himself, she pokes at his spare tire, and Jamie picks at his beer belly – I mean, pasta pouch.  Seriously, they make 93 sex jokes a second and they can’t call a beer belly a beer belly?  Anyway, Ted crumples and while I’m not the biggest Ted fan, they’re going to give him an eating disorder.  Jamie and Joan are worse than mean girls.  Joan says she was kidding, but Jamie says he wasn’t.  The Lawsons would be better off if they just put their son up for adoption.  They would.

Joan says if it makes Ted feel better, he should join a health club, but Ted’s like, “I just use the handy dandy Vicki instead!”  Oh, bother.  He’s going to program her by making her watch exercise shows on TV and then adding in some customizations, and then he’ll have a ten year old personal trainer.  There are 10 year olds in countries that depend on child labor that would feel bad about how much work Vicki did – well, as long as they weren’t in on that whole “she’s a robot” thing.  But this is America and a robot child is still a child.  I think.  Joan and Jamie support him, and Ted reveals that they’re joining him.  They decline, so Vicki tries to use the negative momentum as her out and quits.  Ted admits he needs the support, and Ted has never been so vulnerable.  If he wasn’t a complete sociopath, I’d feel for him.  They reluctantly agree, even though Jamie thinks he’s in great shape.  Vicki is quick to cut him down, though.  Love that robot.  Hey, after he was so quick to be mean to Ted, he deserves a little taste of his own medicine.

Vicki wakes up Ted and Joan and I think this is the first time we’ve seen their room since the pilot.  Also, I always wanted an exercise outfit like hers.  I don’t think I would look good in one now, at age 30, but as a kid I would have been darling.  Wait…

Is their bedroom the same set as the living room?  No wonder we never see it.  Anyway, they don’t want to get out of bed, but Vicki gives them tough love.  Vicki has woken the entire family up at 5:30 am for a 2 mile jog.  This is why I don’t exercise that much.  I’m not against waking up at 5:30, and I’m not against jogging… but two miles and that early is medieval torture.  Ted is into it, but Jamie isn’t, so Vicki drags him to get him into it.  Vicki does not play.

We cut to the end of the jog, where Jamie and Joan are right on Vicki’s tail, but the jog has proven to be too much for Ted.  He makes a noise like a dying dog as he finishes jogging up about a minute behind the family.  Vicki lines the family up to do jumping jacks.  The family wishes for music, so Ted remembers to turn on the radio – Vicki.  Vicki then has them do sidebends, and then that exercise where you hold your arms out to the sides and make little circles with them.  Remember doing that exercise in elementary school?  I’m sure there’s a reason nobody does it anymore.  What exactly was it working out?  Anyway, Vicki makes them go faster and faster until she takes flight.

After exercises is breakfast, and Ted is feeding them fiber.  Man, I bet Vicki is glad she can’t eat because she doesn’t even stick around to watch.  Joan sarcastically mentions not being able to wait for dinner, and Ted lists a menu of items that when a vegan tells you that’s what they’re having for dinner, you just want to slap them.  People aren’t behind kale in the 2010s, and he’s throwing it around like it’s normal in the 1980s?  I have no problem with vegans, I should clarify.  I just hate the pretentious ones.  I can be pretentious about meat, too, I’m just not because I’m not an asshat.  By the way, who is making this dinner?  Ted can’t cook for crap, established.  Whatever, Ted goes on to say in a few weeks, his family will be in the same shape as Good Ol’ Lou.  Wait for it.

It’s another day and Joan admits that this new healthy lifestyle is agreeing with her.  In just two days, Joan has lost some weight.  Vicki weighs Jamie, and it turns out he lost some weight, too.  Ted comes home just after that, looking like he’s seen a ghost.  They were having lunch, and Lou dropped dead in his alfalfa sprouts right in front of him.  It was a heart attack.  Ted can’t figure it out because Lou was living such a healthy lifestyle and was in the best shape of his life.  Joan tries to stop Ted from worrying about it, but come on – healthiest guy you know drops dead from a heart attack and you’re nowhere being that healthy, it’s worth worrying about a little.  Ted questions his mortality, and Vicki tells him in a couple of weeks, he’ll be in the same shape as Good Ol’ Lou.  I almost died.  That is the best and well placed echo of the entire series.  To her credit, Vicki does try to comfort Ted.  Their relationship is so complex.

Vicki goes to wake up the Lawsons, but Ted says he’s thrown out his back and every muscle in his body aches.  Vicki literally gets up in Ted’s face and says no excuses, and Ted tells her to stop.  She says, “You programmed me to do this,” which is an actual direct quote, and it says so much.  Would she love to show compassion if only she could ignore the prime directive?  I mean, it is Ted, but again, they do have a complex relationship.  Ted says he’s changed his mind and decides they don’t need to jog anymore, so Joan sends Vicki to start breakfast.

Jamie asks what’s wrong with Ted, and Ted chooses that moment to prove he is completely bat shit.  The aspirin has run out, and Ted flips because medication is the first defense.  The first defense against what?  It’s actually the last defense.  I can’t preemptively take NyQuil and not catch colds.  Jamie also catches on that Ted is cracking up.

Ted returns from the funeral depressed.  Ted goes on about how great his dead man crush looked, and thinks it’s unfair to be so beautiful and so dead.  Joan’s like, “Yeah, over it… I mean, whatever you want me to say.”  Ted worries because everyone at the funeral said Ted looked so good, and Joan is like, “You look great!  That’s not a bad thing!”  Ted picked up some stuff from the pharmacy, which is a lot of hypochondriac medication.  Joan jokingly asks, “No laxatives?” and Ted starts to flip because he forgot and wonders if he needs them.  The universe broke Ted and it’s kind of awesome.  Joan calls him out on being crazy, but Ted feels justified.  Jamie tells Ted to see a doctor, and Ted says he did.  The doctor gave him a clean bill of health, but he doesn’t trust it because he was Lou’s doctor.  Then get a freaking second opinion.  You live in Sitcomland, you can do that.

Ted completely loses it.  He clutches his medicines and make the kids help him to the couch. He refuses to lie down, and then he breaks his promise to take the family to the movies because of the germs.  Joan is like, “Get over it!” but that doesn’t really do anything, and Ted says he wants dinner, which Joan thinks is a good idea.  She made Ted his favorite, pot roast, and he freaks out over eating meat and cholesterol.  I can’t even… this was fun at first, but if Ted doesn’t stop whining I’m going to hope he has a heart attack just to get it over with.

Ted has Vicki help him up to his room so that he can put on his slippers, but before he can get up there, he tells Jamie he’s a good kid and asks him to take care of his mother.  Oh my gosh, die or get over it.  Jamie decides that Good Ol’ Lou is in better shape than Ted, and Joan admits she may kill Ted.  Joan decides she’s taking Jamie to the movies anyway so they don’t go crazy, and when Jamie asks if that’s a good idea, Joan decides Vicki will be around to keep him company.  Jamie decides it’d be an interesting experiment to see if Ted can drive Vicki crazy, and I wonder if he’s missed out on life with a robot.  Ted and Vicki drive each other crazy all the time.

Vicki actually does a good job of taking care of Ted, but he’s falling apart even more.  The blanket Ted wraps himself up in, I always wanted as a kid.  I just like it.  Plus all my blankets were hand me downs, and this one looks new.  I had hand me down blankets, pillows, and beds as a kid – but all my clothes were new.  Anyway, Ted goes completely insane and thinks the germs are winning and his memory is going and blah blah blah.  Ted decides he’s in such bad shape that he’s ready to die.  Jamie and Joan come home from the movies and Joan is pissed.  She won’t give in to Ted’s hypochondria for another second.  Ted decides to talk to Joan about the life insurance policy, and Vicki takes the opportunity to do Ted a favor – she shows him exactly how he’s been acting.  When Ted actually sees it, he can see how horrible it really is so he apologizes.  Everything in moderation, he vows, and Jamie’s like, “Cool, we can start by eating this chocolate cake like we haven’t seen food in months.”  Ted warns about how deadly chocolate cake can be, but decides it’s a pretty decent way to go.  Jamie asks if Vicki is coming, but knowing the futility of not being able to eat the chocolate cake, she decides that she’s ready to die.  Okay, she was still copying Ted, but I know I would die without chocolate cake.

That’s it.  End of episode.  Just one more to go for the season!

Firsts: The family exercises, Ted goes completely bat shit, Vicki goes completely bat shit, Vicki mocks and comforts Ted in the same episode

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