Friday, August 23, 2013

Season 1, Episode 4: Nerd Crush

So, here we are on the fourth episode.  Is there anything amazing about it?  Um, it exists.  I think it introduces a character that shows up a few times.  You know who I just realized we haven’t seen yet?  Reggie.  Yes, I’m pretty sure we get introduced to a minor character they only use to give the appearance that Jamie has friends before we are actually introduced to Jamie’s only friend.



The episode starts with Vicki hooked up to the computers and Jamie behind the controls.  I can’t imagine that anything good is going to come from this.  It turns out that Jamie is just feeding his homework questions into Vicki and she’s answering them.  Like, didn’t they tell him just one episode ago to stop using Vicki to do his homework?  Then Ted comes down and catches him, Jamie admits Vicki is helping him do his homework, and Ted’s like, “Where’s your mother?”  Apparently disobeying a direct order from one episode ago is less important than making sure Joan is back in the kitchen.



Of course, that’s exactly where Joan is.  After getting one episode off, they immediately shove her into the kitchen where she’s making dinner.  Ted walks in to see what she’s making and tries to steal a taste of the food.  Joan gets offended he didn’t try to steal a taste of her, and more sex jokes are made.  Parents of 1985 were obviously more chill about this kind of thing than parents today, because I can’t remember ever hearing about scandals where parents were writing angry letters about the sex jokes on Small Wonder.  But back then, they had to actually write the letter and buy a stamp and address an envelope and mail it, so maybe what I’m perceiving as not being uptight is laziness, and if they had email available to them they would have complained, too.



Since there were no children present for the sex joke, they decided they needed to fix that and Harriet knocks on the door.  She wants to know if Vicki can come out and play, and of course Ted’s like, “No, bitch, we say this every week.”  Harriet starts to wonder if there’s something wrong with Vicki, because Harriet is too smart for this show.  If a kid can never come out to play, I start to assume they have a terminal disease or something.  They try very badly to convince Harriet that’s not the case, and she calls the Lawsons out on having secrets, and Ted slams the door in Harriet’s face.  Well, damn, that’s where Jamie gets it from.  It’s even worse when Ted does it because he’s a full grown man and Harriet is a little girl.

Ted laments that Brandon bugs him at work, and he’s like, “Why the fuck the Brindles always got be up in my biz?” and I’m thinking, “Maybe if you let your ‘typical’ 10 year old girl act like a 10 year old girl, people wouldn’t think you’re secretly torturing her.”  This does come back to bite them in the ass in a few episodes, but we’re not there yet.

Ted asks Joan if she’d like help making dinner, and Joan is like, “No, you need to work tomorrow.”  Oh, Joan, Ted is too alpha to do housework, you should know that by now.  He says that he meant that Vicki needs more slave training because that’s what he built her for.  Joan does her once an episode, “Dude, she’s a little girl” and Ted’s like, “She’s a computerized woman, what else is she going to do, grow up to work on rockets?”  Harriet’s forgotten toy Rodney and the robotic arm that opens car doors mentioned in the last episode have it better than Vicki.



Warren Enright, the biggest nerd from school, comes over to Jamie’s house and uses the front door.  It’s good to know some people know what that thing is for.  Jamie is ruder to him than he is Harriet.  First he tries to not let Warren in at all by faking that the house is a sushi bar.  Ted stares him down like, “Come on, this kid has a Y-chromosome, so how bad can he be?  Also, your accent was really shitty, work on that.”  But Ted realizes Vicki is still standing right there so he makes her go into the kitchen because that’s where she belongs when she’s not in her cabinet.  I never realized I hated Ted before, I really didn’t.  I think he gets better in later seasons, but he is really horrible this first season.  Ted also tells Jamie to not let Warren in the kitchen because he doesn’t want him to see Vicki.  Like, did Ted forget he didn’t live in a cave when he made her?

Jamie reluctantly lets Warren in, and tells him to never mention it to anyone.  Ted is very polite to Warren, because Warren isn’t a woman, and tries to force Jamie to be friends with him.

Joan asks Vicki to put some flowers on the living room table, and she does what she’s told.  But Jamie freaks out when he sees her and is like, “Why aren’t you in the kitchen where you belong?”  Vicki’s like, “I was told to do something, I’m doing it, fuck off.”  Jamie gets like really forceful in trying to force Vicki back into the kitchen, but Vicki’s like, “Fuck off, bitch, I can take you, I’m going to do what I was told.”  At least Vicki asserts herself around these men.  It will get her far, one day, after they completely break her soul.

Warren immediately falls in love with Vicki and asks if she’s Jamie’s sister, and he’s like, “My cousin, leave now.”  Warren predicted Vicki’s future upgrade!  Warren comments that Vicki likes him, and Jamie gets too distracted to properly kick him out of the house and tries to explain why that’s ridiculous.

After Jamie gets Warren out of the house, he explains to Vicki how Warren likes her.  I already know this will backfire because Vicki loves positive attention.  I mean, seriously, how did they not see how much Vicki wanted to be loved in the early episodes?  Jamie then tells Vicki how boys and girls act when they’re in love and tells her it’s disgusting.  I don’t think this is going to be a deterrent, and I think Jamie is actually teaching Vicki how to get some.



I know that Vicki can’t eat, but it seems really cruel that they make her stand around and watch.  In stark contrast to the last episode where Joan never spent a single second in the kitchen, she hasn’t left yet.  Poor Joan.  Jamie explains that Warren thought Vicki was a real girl, and Ted’s like, “Awesome sauce!”  But then Joan starts to clear the table, and he’s like, “I thought we discussed that we’re training our slave girl?”  Poor Vicki.



Anyway, Warren comes back with a wilted flower because he’s just so pathetic, and he’s like, “I need to make Vicki my woman!”  Jamie takes the flower for Vicki, but refuses to let Warren in the house.  Ted is like, “Come on son, I told you, anything with a Y-chromosome you let in.”  Like, he’s really preachy about being polite for a grown man that slammed a door in a little girl’s face earlier.

Jamie lets Warren in and Ted’s like, “I’m going to leave you kids alone now” and takes off.  For a guy who didn’t want anyone to see Vicki, he’s singing a different tune now that she has an admirer.  Ted and Joan spy on the kids from the kitchen, and Warren admits that he really likes Vicki.  Vicki, who's attention starved and treated like shit by her family, says she likes him and flutters her eyes at him, even though that’s specifically one of the things Jamie told her was gross to do.  I knew that would backfire.  Warren upgrades to saying he likes Vicki very much, and she calls him Honey Buns.  I think Vicki’s got an escape plan that involves marrying Warren and leaving these harmful losers behind.




Of her own volition, Vicki then hugs and kisses Warren.  The family is shocked, because imagine someone showing affection without making a sex joke?  Unheard of.

Jamie then kicks Warren out of the house because things have gone too far.  It’s not like they were doing it on the couch right in front of the family, but Jamie can’t handle that his robot is getting her romance on with a nerd.  Jamie chastises Vicki for her behavior, but she says it’s fun.  I really feel bad for Vicki because they disregard any time she expresses a feeling or shows an emotion.

The next day after school, Warren comes back over again because he and Vicki were just meant to be, y’all.  Vicki and Warren forever.  Jamie’s like, “I told you bitch, stop coming over here, you can’t have her.”  I really was hoping for the first robot/human Romeo and Juliet type romance, but that’s not wacky.  Jamie tries to send Warren away and says Vicki doesn’t like him, but Warren calls out for her, and Vicki’s like, “My love, rescue me from these horrible people!”  Jamie slams the door in Warren’s face, because nobody’s about to hook up with Vicki.  Jamie decides the only solution is to teach Vicki to hate Warren.  That’s like really fucked up.  Let the girl have her boyfriend.  She doesn’t have anything else – not even a bed.

After Jamie programs Vicki, he lets Warren in the house.  Warren should know better – Jamie has yet to let him in the house without being ordered to.  He’s being set up.  Anyway, Warren confesses his love for Vicki, and Vicki’s like, “Love is gross, dude.  This was just a casual thing.”  It goes downhill from there, with Vicki being downright cruel.  Jamie is evil.  Warren cries, and Jamie is like, “Come on, dude, Vicki ain’t nothing.”  Ted walks in and catches on and decides to talk to Jamie and Vicki.  Joan, in her only scene outside of the kitchen, comforts a suicidal Warren with the offer milk and chocolate chip cookies.  Nothing talks someone off the edge like milk and chocolate chip cookies.  But then she goes into the kitchen, never to return.  Jamie’s the one who brings out the milk and cookies.

Jamie apologizes to Warren, because Vicki was all bitchy and he knows he hasn’t been nice to Warren, either.  Well, it was his fault Vicki was a bitch, but, yeah, I guess he can’t admit that.  Jamie asks for forgiveness, and Warren accepts it because it means he finally has a friend.  That poor kid has it worse than Vicki.  I can’t believe they broke them up.

Warren admits that Vicki was too good for him, and Jamie’s like, “I told you, Vicki ain’t nothing, you need self-confidence dude,” and opens the door to find Harriet.  Harriet does know they have a front door!  Awesome.  She asks if Vicki can come out to play, but is immediately smitten with Warren.  Jamie plays matchmaker and hooks Warren and Harriet up, so everyone gets a happy ending.  Except for Vicki.  She’s lonely and stuck with a family that refuses to love her.


Firsts: Warren Enright, Vicki has a boyfriend, Vicki hugs someone, Vicki kisses someone, Harriet looks for Vicki using the front door

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