I don’t know if it’s because I could perform it in my sleep or what, but the Small Wonder theme song just seems louder than the rest of the show. Yes, I listen to it every single time. It may be sickingly sweet, but sometimes it’s the least offensive part of the show. Anyway, let’s get to it.
Jamie comes home from school and brags about how he set a new school record: he threw four touchdown passes and won the game. Oh, boy, Jamie is Al Bundy before Al Bundy existed. That’s a story he’s going to tell his kids over and over again, because I’ve seen every episode of Small Wonder – there’s no way in hell he’s telling them about the times he tried dating, or the times he had Aunt Vicki fight his battles for him. Joan’s like, “Yeah, I don’t give a crap – you do your homework?” And Jamie’s like, “Fuck, why do I tell you shit?”
Joan and Jamie walk into the other room, and there they find Ted programming Vicki. I swear to Mike if they program her to wax on, wax off just to show off her panel, I’m out. Well, as it turns out, Ted spent a week programming Vicki to speed read. He explains it with all kinds of made up buzzwords – I mean, seriously, he threw in the phrase “in the V.I.C.I. mode”, which is the weirdest reference to Vicki I’m sure I’ve ever heard – which prompts Joan’s catchphrase, “That makes sense.” No, I’m with you on that one, Joan. That was the most confusing shit I’ve ever had to hear. Vicki repeats it, as if to say, yes, Ted is full of it. Well, Vicki reads the newspaper to demonstrate her skills, and reveals that the football game next week is blacked out. This disappoints Ted and Jamie because they’re into football this week. Joan says that if Jamie does well on his book report and Ted cleans out the garage, she’ll buy them tickets to the football game. Um, what? Can’t Ted just buy them without strings? He has a job. Is there a housewives’ union I don’t know about? Is Joan getting a fair wage for spending so much time in the kitchen? Is that why she never leaves? Either way, Ted must forget he has a job, because he and Jamie agree to the terms.
Jamie’s pleased with the timing in which his dad has programmed Vicki to speed read because despite being told like 90,000 times already, he has the idea to have Vicki do his homework for him. The report apparently consisted of all 55 chapters in the book and was so very detailed that Jamie ends up on the honor roll. How does only one book report get you… you know what? I give up on this show having any logic at all.
Jamie’s parents aren’t complete dumbasses, so they figure out Jamie used Vicki pretty quickly – he covered his bases and made her say she didn’t know anything about it, but didn’t make her unlearn the facts. Jamie’s parents confront him with the good news, but he lies right in their faces. Jamie apparently never learns any lessons for long. Crap, his ego’s bound to return soon, too.
Ted decides to force a confession out of Jamie, but Joan is like, “let’s just wait to see if he tells us the truth on his own.” Because if they didn’t do that, it’d be a really short episode. Ted agrees.
Oh, my god. Jamie is so lazy, he makes Vicki pace for him. Anyway, he does feel a little guilty about lying to everyone, but he really wants to go to the football game and he doesn’t know what to do. Vicki computes Jamie’s problem for him, and tells him to go to the football game first and then confess to the crime. Well, I guess programming a robot with morals was just a little too much for Ted Lawson to handle. Jamie obviously thinks this is a genius solution. However, Jamie’s teacher comes over and suddenly the guilt becomes too much for him and he confesses everything.
Jamie’s teacher is impressed with Vicki’s intelligence, and when she tries to ask about her education everyone skirts around the issue. It’s the first time they’ve had this issue, actually. It won’t be the last. Hot damn, I think we’re only one episode away from when they fix a lot of the problems Vicki being Jamie’s “cousin” creates long term. For Jamie’s punishment, Ted decides he’s still going to take Jamie to the football game, they just have to have bad seats. I wish I were making this one up. Broken teapot: no TV, no basketball, no allowance. Use Vicki to do your homework and then lie about it: slap on the wrist. These life lessons are just… Oh, this is the second episode without Harriet. Man, that sucks.
That’s it for this week. This is the shortest review ever. It was an episode that didn't really do a whole lot.
Firsts: Jamie essentially gets away with something, Vicki’s intelligence is complimented by an educator