Season 1, Episode 3: Robositter

Here we are.  Third episode of Small Wonder.  I hope we're having fun.  I don't really have anything to say, you know, pre-episode, so let's just get into it.

So the episode starts with Ted and Joan dressed up and getting ready to go out for the night.  Ted's doing that thing where he hides his computers, which, seriously, nobody cares, dude.  You work for a robotics company; everyone knows you're a nerd.  Poor Joan is cleaning.  Even when she's about to go out, she can't catch a break.  At least she doesn't abuse the fact Ted built them a slave child, but they do have a 10 year old son that could be pitching in.

Small Wonder isn't the highest budgeted show, and I'm almost convinced they decided to not have a script supervisor because of all the blue or green screen they had to have - I don't remember what the standard was in 1985, to be honest - so when Ted walks away, you can totally see the closet door open again.

Jamie comes downstairs with Vicki and says he fixed the weird sound her head makes when it turns, and she does her Exorcist impression again, only her head turns a complete 360 degrees this time.  Yep, showing off unimportant special effects - way more important than continuity.

Joan admits she hates Vicki's head going all spinny because it might hurt her, which leads Ted into his requisite, "Dude, she's a robot.  Stop giving a crap" speech.  Every episode.  I just remembered there's an episode where she runs away, and I'm thinking, "What took her so long?!"

Ted sends Vicki to her cabinet because they're waiting for Jamie's babysitter, which is why Ted went through the act of trying to hide his computers and Joan is last minute cleaning - but I seriously have to wonder, why would they hire an outsider if they don't want them to see Vicki?  I mean, it's only the third episode, but you think they'd pick up on Vicki's attention whoring ways by now.  Anyway, Joan protests because it's dark in the cabinet, and Ted gives her a "what did I just say" look and Joan's like, "Fine, I'll try harder to not give a shit and have a hardened heart like you.

The phone rings and Joan goes to answer it, and even though she's closer to the phone on the other side of the kitchen door, she walks across the living room.  Good for her rebelling against being in the kitchen!  Before she does, though, she passes the trash to Ted, who immediately passes it on to Jamie because he's too alpha male to do anything that resembles housework.

Ted reveals to Jamie that he and Joan are going to a reception for his company where they're revealing a robot arm that opens car doors, like that's revolutionary.  You have a robot child in your son's bedroom cabinet.  But, yeah, the robot arm - coolest thing ever.

Joan gets off the phone to announce that the babysitter can't make it and Ted's like, "Great, I really don't care about the robot arm anyway" and starts to take off his tie.  Joan re-ties his tie and is like, "I want to go out, bitch, I'm in that kitchen all day.  This is the longest I've been out of it!"

Jamie offers to babysit himself for $0.75 an hour, and I would have been really pissed if that had have worked.  When I was 11, I could stay home by myself for short periods of time, but I certainly didn't get paid to babysit myself!  Jamie's like, this is bull, tell me why I can't stay by myself, especially since Vicki's here.  His parents blow him off and he believes they don't trust him.  To spare Jamie's feelings, Ted comes up with the brilliant idea to program Vicki to babysit Jamie.  There's no way this can backfire!

Ted lays down some ground rules for Jamie and reminds him Vicki is not perfected yet, which Vicki repeats because Vicki is trying to understand why her family hates her.  As Joan walks out the door, she remembers she didn't kiss Vicki goodnight, and Ted is like, "Woman, for god's sake, I will send you back into the kitchen" but Vicki is like, "She didn't kiss Vicki goodnight" because robot or no, she likes being loved.  Ted gives in this once, probably because he realizes he will be the first to go when the robots turn, and then the parents leave.

Once they're gone, Jamie brags that he's going to watch TV all night, but Vicki points out that Joan told Jamie to do his homework first.  Jamie's like, "Not a problem" and then he makes Vicki do it.

You know, I'm pretty sure that desk used to be on the other side of the room, but I'm not going to worry about that right now.  Anyway, Vicki finishes his homework and tells Jamie he's going to get a C+, and Jamie's like, "Bull, you're a robot, you don't make mistakes", and Vicki's like, "I'm supposed to be an average 10 year old, and you assholes never remember that.  Kids make mistakes, dammit."  And Jamie's like, "You don't on my homework" and makes her do it again.  Jamie is a jerk.

Meanwhile, Ted wants to check in on Jamie but the line is busy.  It turns out Jamie is starting a business where he's going to have Vicki do everyone's homework, because apparently Vicki's only goal in life is to Jamie's bidding.

Vicki comes down and tells Jamie his homework is done and he'll get an A, and he's happy he finally gets to turn on the TV.  However, when he does, Vicki glitches out.  Jamie becomes concerned, because he has to pretend he actually likes Vicki once in awhile, and decides the responsible thing to do is to call his dad.  However, he turns off the TV and Vicki returns to normal.  It turns out that using the remote affects Vicki, so if Jamie wants to watch TV he has to go all old school.

Ted calls again and gets through but Vicki answers like she's an answering machine and it flusters him and he hangs up.  Ladies and gentleman, the man who invented a humanoid robot.  Then Ted realized he should have thought of making Vicki an answering machine.  Real nice.  Vicki, just burn the house down and walk away.

Anyway, Jamie gets excited about a movie he wants to see on TV, but it comes on after his bedtime.  Vicki calls him out on it, and he's like, "Besides being a robot, you're a woman, so you do what I say and not the other way around."  So Vicki gets all physical on Jamie's ass.

He totally deserved it.

Jamie decides that after the stress of Vicki trying to murder him, he deserves a chocolate milk shake.  He's kind enough to each Vicki how to make one, even though in all fairness, he's probably just telling her so he never has to make another one again.  He goes to plug in the blender, but the cord doesn't reach.  Moving it, that's for dumbasses, so Jamie comes up with a better idea.

He'll just use Vicki.  Why not?  That's the only thing he's done since she stopped being body parts in a case.

Jamie is the only kid in the history of sitcoms to remember to put the lid on the blender.  I'd be more impressed if he didn't treat Vicki like crap, but, you know... bravo.

In a moment of genuine kindness, Jamie does share some of the milkshake with Vicki.  However, this makes Jamie take a level in dumbass because it's like feeding a milkshake to your VCR if your VCR thought it was a 10 year old girl.  Her voice goes all wonky to signify that Jamie broke her again.  Her circuits got wet when she drank the shake.  Her voice alternates between wonky and normal as her circuits dry, so there's a chance that he might actually get away with this one.  All honesty, I don't remember.

Since Harriet hasn't been in the whole episode, she comes to the door, and Jamie's first instinct is for him and Vicki to hit the floor.  Dude, it's Harriet and the shade isn't completely drawn.  That's pretty pointless.  Harriet has magical hearing, too, because she announces that she can hear them breathing.  Dude, does Vicki even breathe?  How loud is Jamie breathing?

Jamie tells Harriet to go away, and she's like, "Dude, my parents are at the same thing your parents are at. Let me in!"  Jamie's like, "No," and I have to give him credit - that's the right answer this time.  Of course, it wouldn't be an interaction between Jamie and Harriet if he didn't slam the door in her face.  There are nicer ways to say no, dude.  Harriet doesn't take the hint and pounds on the door again, so Vicki is like, "I will take care of this bitch" and she tells Harriet to take off and shuts the door nicely in her face.  Vicki was a little rude, but at least she didn't slam the door.

Jamie and Vicki watch music videos in the living room, and Vicki gets up and starts dancing.  Jamie's like, "Oh my god, how many times can I break you in one night?" and Vicki's like, "I just like Michael Jackson, you ass."  Then Jamie's like "Let me show you how it's done!" and shows off while Vicki gives him this look like, "I bet I do a better robot than you."

Joan and Ted come home and hear the music and Ted's like, "Why is this music so loud I'm old and yet have Harriet levels of hearing".  Well, for some reason, the key doesn't work in the door and I'm not unconvinced that Vicki didn't change all the locks because she's real tired of putting up with the Lawson's shit.  They ring the doorbell and ask to be let in, but Vicki stops Jamie because they were told to not open the door for anybody and Vicki takes things literally, especially when it might be funny.

Jamie keeps trying to let his parents in, but Vicki beats the crap out of Jamie.  Ted tells Jamie how to program Vicki through the door, which was just a way to show off her back panel again.  Of course, Jamie can't do what he's told because it's 9:00, and Vicki drags him to his room.

Ted finds that the window is open, which makes him happy, but also makes him yell at Joan because she spent an entire episode outside of the kitchen, and Joan is like, "Get your ass in the window and don't worry about the fact it was unlocked, 'kay?"  Ted crawls in through the window, and what can only be considered revenge, Joan pushes him through and he crashes to the floor.  Awesome.

Ted goes to let Joan in through the door, but Joan just climbs in through the window.  Somehow the door locks behind Ted, but because he just yelled at Joan, she double makes sure to lock the window.  Ted totally deserved it.

Ted enters Jamie's room to yell at him, somehow completely missing that Vicki is physically restraining him.  Jamie calls his parents out on not trusting him.  Ted gets Vicki off of Jamie and then apologizes for the lack of trust, but when he sends Vicki to her cabinet, her voice goes all wonky.  Oh, good, sitcom tropes are not ignored and Jamie does get caught.  Apparently, Ted decides to take back his apology because Jamie acted like a 10 year old.  They also find out Vicki did Jamie's homework, and they're like, "Dude, really?"  So they tell Jamie to do his own damn homework, and that's pretty much it.  Episode over.

Firsts: Vicki has food or liquid and malfunctions, Vicki gets physical with Jamie, Vicki and Jamie stay home alone, Joan stays out of the kitchen, someone plugs an appliance into Vicki