Season 2, Episode 11: You Gotta Have Heart

Finally, another episode this season I actually remember! And one I remember first run, even. Because Vicki and Harriet are adorable besties. Anyway, let’s just get right to it.

So, we start with the Lawson family watching The Wizard of Oz together. Oh, that reminds me so much of childhood. My family used to watch The Wizard of Oz together every year. Ted and Joan go on about how amazing the movie is, but that’s just filler conversation because everyone knows how amazing that movie is. Then they have that Vicki fake cry effect when she mimics Joan where she literally has tears coming out of her eyebrows. I hate that effect. We already know Vicki can cry real tears, so why not just do that? It would look better.

Jamie’s hair is weird. Anyway, Jamie says that he likes the Wicked Witch best, and I’m not really surprised. Vicki mimics the Wicked Witch and dang I’m just noticing she has a bracelet. I have never seen that before and I’m pretty sure we will never see it again. Joan says her favorite is Tin Man and mentions he got a heart, and Vicki asks what a heart is. Wizard of Oz is a three hour movie, how is this the first time Vicki is questioning this? During the “If I Only Had a Heart” sequence seems like the optimal time for that question, but any other time they brought it up in the following two hours is also reasonable. This is just lame set up. Joan says it’s where people store their love, and Vicki asks if she has one. D’aww. Ted says no, but thinks the premise is interesting, because if he could give a robot a heart, he’d win the Nobel Prize. Aww, guys, we’re witnessing the conception of LES! Season 3, please don’t be late.

Vicki says she’s not programmed to know about people storing love in their heart, and asks what love is. Oh my gosh, this episode of Small Wonder is the one that made me start asking the big questions about robots. You guys can’t know how big that is, but it’s big. Apparently humans don’t know what love is, either, because Joan starts quoting movies and Jamie relates some story I’m 91% sure is about Jessica. Then Jamie says love is stupid. For some reason, that reminds Joan that people show affection by giving gifts, and one of the gifts is Ted gave Joan a heart shaped necklace I’ve never seen before and given what this whole episode is about so far, it’s a set up. Then they tell Vicki they gave her her bracelet because they love her. Vicki says Jamie didn’t give her anything, so he doesn’t love her, and she says it as sad as monotone gets. Also, great lesson, guys. Jamie gives Vicki gum, but she’s not impressed.

We cut to Jamie doing pull ups in the backyard, and guys, this is consistency. Jamie is into fitness. Well, actually, he only does one but it’s an improvement. Good for you, Jamie! But Vicki is a little show off and does countless pull ups because no muscle strain. Jamie goes back on the bars to try again, but then Harriet comes over. Jamie decides he’s done and goes inside, leaving Vicki and Harriet alone. Fun!

Vicki gives Harriet her bracelet. Harriet wants to know how much, and man, nobody loves Harriet. Vicki says she’s giving it to her because she loves her. Aww! They are going to be the best sister-in-laws one day. Harriet still doesn’t believe, but then Vicki gives Harriet her shoes. Harriet and Vicki officially become best friends. Harriet is glad because when they’re old they’ll buy a condo in Miami like the Golden Girls and treat men like playthings - a life goal I myself hold to this day. Vicki and Harriet go to the Brindle's to play.

Small Wonder doesn’t just use badly timed transitions, but they use transitions like they just discovered editing. They flip cut to Joan in the kitchen and Bonnie Brindle comes over. Oh my gosh, Bonnie Brindle! She hasn’t been in an episode all season, just mentioned. I’m so happy to see her! Bonnie baked cookies, but she uses lima beans and lard so Joan isn’t impressed. Bonnie is thrilled Vicki and Harriet are BFFs, and Bonnie decides Joan should be her BFF and they’ll be like Kate and Allie. Pop culture overload.

Vicki and Harriet come in through the kitchen and they’re wearing each other’s clothes - right down to the hairstyles! Vicki gives Bonnie a potholder. Aww, Vicki is so loving! Ted comes into the kitchen and is amused by Vicki and Harriet’s friendship. Yay, it’s a Ted is a good dad episode! Sure, he’s a fun serial killer abusive inventor, but when he’s a good dad, my heart feels warm and cozy like hot chocolate by the fireplace on Christmas. Vicki and Harriet leave, and Joan explains Vicki and Harriet are BFFs, and Bonnie reveals she and Joan are BFFs, too. Joan is giving a look like “I never agreed to that,” but Joan, you don’t have friends. Take the offer. Then Bonnie declares Ted is also her close friend and then drops a “I’m in crisis” bomb on them. I love you, Bonnie Brindle. You Brindle Swindled yourself two friends and made it all about you in record time.

Bonnie acts like she doesn’t want to talk about it, but then in less than ten seconds says she wants to talk about killing her husband. Um, wow, Ted has rubbed off on you. He wants to kill Brandon all the time. You guys should start a club. Brandon is apparently jealous and thinks men are after Bonnie. I feel like something is slightly off, but I can see Brandon being jealous, yeah. That part adds up. Ted offers to help out, so Bonnie Brindle Swindled her and Harriet staying with the Lawsons. Bonnie Brindle, please adopt me. My mom might say “no-nono-no-nono-no-no-no,” but I’m 32 and I make those decisions.

We come back from a commercial break and Bonnie is unpacking. Ted wants to know how long she’s staying, and Bonnie says until she gets a good divorce lawyer. Ted and Joan try to talk her out of it, but Bonnie’s mind is made up. Ted asks Bonnie if she loves Brandon, and she says she shows it by tying his pants in knots in the middle of the night. Bonnie, seriously, I’ll make Harriet a great little sister. The Lawsons manage to reverse Brindle Swindle Bonnie and convince her to go back to Brandon.

We cut to Jamie’s room. Vicki is packing up a duffel bag and Harriet wants to play a game called Secrets because BFFs always share secrets. Jamie is right there on the bed watching, so Harriet really doesn’t know what a secret is. Jamie then admits he’s insanely in love with Harriet. Then he covers it up by saying he’s insane. Jamie-Jamie-Jame, never be ashamed of your feelings. It’s okay. Everyone knows you love Harriet. Jamie suggests playing hide and seek, but Harriet said last time they played that she didn’t see him for three days. Dang, Jamie, that’s cold. Jamie reverse Brindle Swindles Harriet by saying he’ll kiss her on the cheek when he finds her - Harriet, he’s not even going to look. Harriet agrees anyway, and tells him she’ll be in the hall closet.

Jamie tells Vicki that if she keeps giving Harriet things they’ll never get rid of her, and that Harriet is taking advantage of Vicki. Jamie, why are you trying to separate Vicki and her best friend? So Jamie decides he’ll program Vicki to be like Harriet. Jamie, that’s happened before, remember? Your dad ended up disassembling Vicki because you and Joan got peeved.

We jump down to the kitchen and Ted and Joan are real glad they got Bonnie to go back to Brandon. I know! Reverse Brindle Swindles are not that easy to pull off. Then Brandon barges in with a suitcase. Damn, that is some advanced Brindle Swindling - skip the schmoozing, go to the doing. Brandon thinks Bonnie is jealous - and yeah, I can see that. But Brandon is way more upset than Bonnie was. Maybe a divorce is what they need. Harriet could have two Christmases. Plus, it’s Bonnie’s last season anyway, so what’s the point, you know? Brandon then admits that he shows Bonnie love by rearranging the furniture so that when she sits, she misses the chair. Harriet has not got a chance. Ted and Joan manage another reverse Brindle Swindle and get Brandon to go home. Oh my gosh, the Lawsons are on top of their game tonight. But I guess it’s easier when it’s two Lawsons against one Brindle. Brandon hugs Joan in gratitude. This is sweet.

Oh, wait, no it’s not because Bonnie comes over and assumes there’s something going on between her husband and best friend. Really? In front of your best friend’s husband? What do you think the Lawsons are into? Bonnie takes off, but Brandon goes after her. I think these two kids are going to be okay.

We jump back up to Jamie’s room and he’s just finished programming Vicki. This is hurting my heart, Jamie. Don’t take your sister’s love. Harriet comes back into the room, wondering where those guys went. Then Harriet decides she doesn’t want to play anymore, and takes the duffel Vicki packed. Vicki stops her and she wants everything back. Harriet ends the friendship and leaves. Then when Jamie decides to celebrate Vicki’s loss, she decides she wants what she gave Jamie, back, too. Yeah, at least with Jamie, he’ll still be her brother. Jamie says later, but then Vicki attacks him.

Ted and Joan run up to the room and they demand an explanation, especially because Harriet left upset. Yeah, I can imagine they don’t want the Brindles coming back over. Ted tells Vicki that Jamie steered her wrong because you can’t be selfish and have love in your heart. Vicki becomes confused and upset because now she has no friends and no heart. Jamie admits that he was wrong, so Vicki asks if she can have a heart like the Tin Man. Ted apologetically says no, and Vicki borderline cries because she wants a heart. Vix, you’ve had one all along. When Ted says he doesn’t know what to do, Joan gives Vicki her heart necklace. Vicki likes her heart and it makes her happy. The End.

That episode was sweet. I don’t know what else to say. It wasn’t Emmy-award winning or anything, but it was cute.

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Season 2, Episode 6: Neighborhood Watch

So this week is a hot mess and I apologize. There are screenshots, I just haven't edited them yet. I will try to do them after work tonight, but they'll be up latest tomorrow. Part of it is too much work time, not owning enough USB cords to satisfy my needs, and having to rewrite parts of this review - which I don't do ever, but I made a lot of bad taste jokes and I will own up to that. On to the review. Next week will be better, promise.

Now with more pictures. I'm trying to implement a system in my hectic schedule to make sure this doesn't happen again. At any rate, I'm looking into getting a USB cord strictly for the computer.

I don’t remember this episode. I’m really starting to wonder about my memory skills. Anyway, we are a third of the way through season 2! Yay! Let’s get to it.

Ooh, it’s dark. Like, really dark. I think that wall is from the Lawson’s backyard, so I’m pretty sure this is the kitchen, but they couldn’t get at least a nightlight glow going on so I could see? And this guy is up to no good, breaking into the house. I think it’s a guy. It’s too dark to see.

So the guy shines the flashlight around and yes, it is the Lawson kitchen! It is Small Wonder, so it was a safe assumption. But you never know, it could be about theft in the neighborhood. This is like the worst burglar ever. He stopped to eat pie.

So the next stop on the burglar theft train is Jamie’s room, because that makes sense. Also, who leaves their house this dark when they go out? Leave a light on so you don’t bump into your furniture, and also people might think you’re home. Then he starts stealing Jamie’s toys. Why? They’re not even collectibles. Then he opens the cabinet and sees Vicki and screams. Vicki screams back.

Apparently the Lawsons went out to dinner, and this is the first time I’ve seen them exit through the garage. Convenient that they’re in the backyard. Ted’s got an upset stomach, and they spend a million years talking about it. How short was this episode running? Then Joan finally notices that the backdoor was broken into. Alpha male Ted has Joan and Jamie stay in the backyard while he checks it out. Ted has them come into the kitchen to see how burgled they were, and then he goes into the living room to check things out.

Dang, look at what happened during a part they skipped over in favor of that awesome Ted upset stomach conversation. So, Ted has them come see how burgled the living room was. Joan thinks of how lucky they were that they were all out when it happened, and Jamie reminds them that Vicki was at home. They realize their darling robot might not be safe and actually go to check on her. Aww, they love her when the plot demands it.

When they open the cabinet, Vicki screams, and the Lawsons scream in reaction. Ted asks if she’s okay, and Vicki says she’s functioning normally. I see, she’s too brave to bring up the psychological trauma. The Lawsons decide to call the police.

Joan is making a list of things that were stolen, and then Ted goes on and on about a putter. Again with nonsense filler conversation. The police officer finally shows up and reveals they only check for fingerprints in routine burglaries, and it would be different if there was a corpse. That’s what the police officer said when my house was robbed in 2001! Either Small Wonder got something right, or lazy cops stole the idea from Small Wonder. Okay, the thief apparently took the TV, and I’m calling shenanigans on that one. He did have a duffel with him, so I can see him carrying a lot of stuff, but he came in through the back, left through the front, and was startled by Vicki. Unless he noticed the child upstairs and took the TV on the way out, that involves way too many trips through the front door to steal the TV while trying to not be seen. When my house was robbed, they took the VCRs, DVD players, and videogame consoles, but they left the TVs. And Small Wonder was doing so good just a second ago.

Jamie asks if they’ll get the stuff back, and the cop says it’s not likely. The officer then asks if the Lawsons asked any of the neighbors if they saw anything, but Vicki speaks up and says she did. The officer is confused as to why Vicki was home, which the Lawsons cover up by saying she doesn’t like Mexican food. That’s not an excuse. But also, she’s 11 and it was for a few hours so it’s not a big deal. Vicki says that the thief ran out when he saw her. Then she gives a perfect description of the crook.

The police officer asks how the the crook got in, and says the lack of deadbolt made it easy. Um, no, the glass window made it easy. It’s one more step to turn the deadbolt unless you have the kind that needs a key from the inside, too, and very few people do. The police officer then suggests that they start a neighborhood watch program. He then offers to have another officer help them set it up. Then the police officer admits his own house has been hit up twice, and he has a guard dog. Yeah, and you’re also a police officer. And is everyone against security systems or something?

So the other police officer is giving tips to the neighborhood in the Lawson living room and Brandon Brindle is the only one I believe is actually from the neighborhood. She tells them to make it hard for the thief by putting up a neighborhood watch sign. How does that make it hard? That just tells them to be on the look out for people on the look out. She also tells them to put their lights on an automatic timer. Um, that’s exactly the kind of thing the Wet Bandits cased a neighborhood for in Home Alone. Get a security system. Then she gives some good tips, like don’t leave your newspapers all over your yard when you’re gone and don’t hide your spare key in obvious places. Then she quizzes the neighbors and apparently, if there’s an unfamiliar car in the neighborhood, you call neighborhood watch patrol and keep an eye on it. Apparently, people never get new neighbors or guests or even new cars. That sounds like a lot of work. Then Brandon admits he has a gun. Let's not get into super heavy issues, but I think we can all agree Brandon Brindle is the last person on Earth who needs to own a gun. He’s also the only neighbor to not join neighborhood watch. Again, I don’t think those other neighbors are neighbors and one of them is going to rob him blind.

Ted puts on the deadbolt and asks Joan to fool around, but Jamie walked into the kitchen. Apparently, if you go half way through an episode without making a sex joke you can just have the adult characters semi-discuss it. Jamie wants to show them something in the living room, and that something is Vicki with a siren on her head. He turned her into a security system. Jamie Lawson is the one who makes sense in this whole entire episode. Jamie Lawson. Shenanigans!

Jamie has Ted pretend to be a burglar, and when he comes in through the window Vicki sounds off an alarm and then flips Ted over the couch. Again, Jamie Lawson thought of this. Did I start watching a different show?

Then Harriet and Brandon come over. Brandon notices the deadbolt, but that conversation lasts one line. Oh, now they don’t have filler conversations. He actually had a purpose for coming over. Bonnie’s out bowling and he has a lodge meeting, and Harriet’s sitter called in sick, so he asks if they could watch Harriet. Oh, so his house is going to be empty, huh? The Lawsons agree and say for Harriet to come back after dinner, but Harriet Brindle Swindles herself a dinner invite when she finds out they’re having pizza.

Jamie and Vicki are going through the neighborhood watch brochure when Harriet comes over. Then a meter man comes over, but he’s a stranger so Vicki asks him to identify himself. Jamie seems apalled by this behavior, but dude, it was your idea. The meter man does not identify himself, so Vicki tosses him on his back. The meter man is so freaked out by Vicki, the Lawsons get a free month of electricity. Awesome sauce!

Ted is programming the entire house to be on a timer. It backfires. I’m surprised this man invented Vicki. Then Brandon comes over, excited because he won some election at his lodge. The police suddenly swarm, and the police officer says a thief was caught trying to break into the Brindle home. Brandon tries to say that the police have everything covered so neighborhood watch is dumb, but the police officer says neighborhood watch reported the robbery in the first place. The thief also stole Brandon’s gun, and it turns out he really is every bit the incompetent gun owner I pictured. But Vicki solves that problem and breaks the gun. The end.

This episode got a few things right, I guess, but it was kind of a chore. Too many filler conversations.

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Season 1, Episode 22: Vaudeville Vicki

One of my other favorite shows in the 80s was Mama’s Family.  That means I was really excited for the episode of Mama’s Family that Dick Christie was in, but I was super freaking excited for the episode of Small Wonder with Ken Berry.  This is the Ken Berry episode.  Also, two more episodes after this one before I get to the better seasons!

This episode starts with Vicki’s panel flickering and making noises like she drank another milkshake, only more static-y.  Ted looks worried as he stabs at her with a screwdriver.  Joan says that she needs Vicki, but Ted says he’s fixing her because she’s receiving interference on her voice circuits.  Also, Vicki is in her old pinafore.  Just worth noting.  Anyway, Ted tells Vicki to talk and he’ll adjust while she’s doing that, and you know we’re in for fun with the soundboard.  Vicki’s voice goes low and high until it evens out.  It was semi-entertaining.  Joan then immediately asks Vicki to polish the coffee table.  Then Joan asks if Ted fixed the end table, and he says he and Vicki did it together and it’s solid as a rock and hits the table.  He asks for confirmation from Vicki, and guys… this is the most horrible set up I have ever seen.  Look at this.

You can see the areas where the table is already ready to break.  That is like cartoon crap where you can see where characters are about to interact with the scenery because it’s a different color than everything else.  Sure enough, the table falls right apart when Vicki hits it.  Joan wants to know why Ted made Vicki so strong, and he stutters before asking Vicki to take the pieces into the kitchen.  Jamie comes home, sees the broken table, and knows Vicki did it.  Then he complains about school – the school is putting on a show for new gym equipment, and he got cast as Romeo in Romeo and Juliet, and Harriet is Juliet.

Bonnie and Harriet come over and Jamie tries to slam the door in their face, but Joan actually manages to catch it this time.  I love how much Jamie hates Harriet.  It’s how I know he really loves her.  Bonnie wants to take a picture of the kids to put in the newspaper, hoping the publicity will really help the show.  Bonnie is an active mom in the community – why are the Brindles so vilified again?  Oh, yeah, that Brindle Swindle.  While Jamie and Harriet are posing, Vicki looks on curiously, as if she’s wondering why she’s not special.  Poor Vicki.  Anyway, she accidentally photobombs them.

Later, in the kitchen, Jamie and Harriet are rehearsing and Vicki is looking at the script, so obviously she’s helping them.  Vicki mouths the words as Harriet says them, and I think poor Vicki wants to play along.  Joan enters the kitchen from outside and offers to make the kids a snack.  Ted comes home to show the kids their picture in the newspaper and Harriet runs off to show the paper to her mother.  Jamie decides to borrow Vicki and practice in his room while Harriet is gone, preferring Vicki as Juliet.  I know she’s only his adopted sister, and a robot, but dude.  Once the kids are out of the room, Ted makes a sex joke.  Because of course he does.  The doorbell chooses that moment to ring because Ted and Joan always get interrupted.  Laws of Small Wonder.

Buddy O’Connor is the guy ringing the doorbell, and he turns out to be important because he thinks Vicki is his daughter.  He has a picture that looks like Vicki at a younger age, and the Lawsons try to explain how they know Vicki isn’t his daughter Mary without revealing she’s a robot.  They’re not very successful.  His ex-wife put his daughter up for adoption a year prior and he just wants to see her before he goes to Hong Kong for a gig.  Ted and Joan go into the kitchen to discuss what to do, and Ted reveals he used a picture from a modeling agency to make up Vicki’s appearance, and it might have been Mary.  Ted is more afraid that it’ll come out Vicki is a robot and they forged documents to get through her adoption, so he decides to just let the guy see her.  Oh, now you realize forging documents is illegal whether it’s for a human or a robot.  Because you seemed pretty well convinced it wasn’t when you were doing it!

Ted and Joan tell Buddy he can see Vicki and they call her into the room and introduce the two.  Vicki nearly crushes Buddy’s hand in a handshake, and when he asks about her voice, Ted says she has laryngitis.  Laryngitis is an acceptable go to.  No, I won’t get ahead of myself.  You’ll see in two episodes.  Anyway, we learn that Vicki can tap dance.

Bonnie comes over to show off the newspaper that Ted bought in the first place, and they introduce Bonnie and Buddy O’Connor.  Bonnie reveals that one of the acts have canceled, and Buddy reveals he’s in show business.  Bonnie uses the Brindle Swindle, and it actually fails.  But when Buddy learns that an agent will be in the audience, he changes his mind.  Buddy wants to put Vicki in the act, and while reluctant, the Lawsons accidentally agree.

They show Vicki and Buddy rehearsing their bit and they’re adorable, but Buddy isn’t funny.  After rehearsal, they kick Jamie and Vicki out of the room.  Buddy reveals that he wants Vicki to be part of the act and that since he never agreed to any adoption he will make trouble if they won’t let her.  Ted decides the really easy fix is to program Vicki to sabotage Buddy’s act, and it’s the smartest thing Ted has ever come up with.

At the show, Jamie and Harriet do the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet, and they both take a bunch of creative liberties with Shakespeare.  Immediately after is Buddy and Vicki because of course it is.  Vicki looks adorable in her red striped uniform.  Vicki steals all the punch lines, just like Ted programmed her to, and Buddy is upset by it.  The agent likes Vicki, but the Lawsons don’t want Vicki in show business.  Buddy tries to override the Lawsons’ decision, but the agent reveals he only wants Vicki, not Buddy, so Buddy lets the whole thing drop.  Before leaving forever, though, he does ask them to take care of the kid, so even though he was selfish he does care somewhat.  The whole thing ends with Harriet Brindle Swindling a kiss from Jamie!  It’s pretty awesome.

Firsts: Vicki’s identity is mistaken, Jamie kisses Harriet

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Season 1, Episode 18: RobotNappers

This review is an experiment in how well I can review Small Wonder while I’m angsting.  Originally, I was going to skip ahead and just watch episodes I like to drown my sorrows, because I’ve had a rough night, but I was like – where’s the fun in that?  This is another episode I just saw in the recent past and I don’t remember it, so, let’s get to it.

The episode starts with Joan and Vicki in the kitchen cooking, because why not.  Anyway, Joan is having a hard time with the can opener, so she asks Vicki to help her with a can of spinach.  She fully intended for Vicki to use the can opener, but Vicki went straight up Popeye on that shit and split the can in half.  Jamie comes home from school and says he’s hungry and wants a snack, but when he sees the only snack is carrot sticks he apparently isn’t hungry anymore because he suddenly wants to paint the clubhouse.  Work: it’s better than eating carrot sticks.  Jamie tries to get Vicki to help him, but Joan says Vicki can only watch. Good luck with that.  You told Jamie many times to stop using Vicki for homework and there was an entire episode that revolved around him disobeying that order.  But good for you for asserting that your robot daughter is not a robot slave.

As Jamie and Vicki go outside, Bonnie comes over to borrow some mayonnaise – and some other things – to finish up Brandon’s dinner.  Ted comes home and didn’t see Bonnie and starts to bad mouth Brandon.  With as much as Harriet comes over, that wasn’t smart of Ted, but he manages to blow it off when Bonnie questions him.  After she leaves, Ted continues with what he was trying to say.  It turns out that these robotics guys came over to his job and they were impressed with Ted, so he invites them to dinner to talk to them about working for them or something.  He also starts talking about giving up Vicki to a plant, which upsets Joan enough that he promises to get her the same Vicki back, but explains how the technology the better lab has could help him truly improve her.  Brandon and Bonnie come back over and Brandon wants to know what he missed at work. Ted swears nothing, and Brandon reveals he spied on Ted and the tech guys with binoculars – Harriet gets it on both sides; it’s genetic.

As Jamie is painting the clubhouse, Vicki announces that Harriet is coming – she can hear her footsteps on the lawn.  Jamie is impressed by Vicki’s hearing.  Sure enough, Harriet shows up, and Jamie Tom Sawyers her.  Of course, it backfires when Harriet realizes painting isn’t fun.  Jamie convinces Harriet to help so she can join the club and be the only girl among eight boys, and she gives in.

The tech guys come in, and Ted decides he’s not going to reveal Vicki is a robot until the end of the night to see how long she can fool experts.  So of course, Ted shows her off right away.  She shows off her knowledge, lifts up Ted, and breaks a table with a karate chop.  No subtlety here.  The tech guys immediately offer Ted a job, and Ted has to think about it.  What?  The entire episode, he pretty much says he wants the job, and he has to think about it?  Anyway, the tech guys pick up on the fact Vicki is a robot right away.  One of the guys is pure evil though and is like, “Screw giving Lawson a job now, let’s steal his kid.”

Jamie comes in and says that he was hungry from painting the clubhouse.  Vicki reveals that Jamie tricked Harriet into it, because Vicki doesn’t believe in letting Jamie have bullshit victories.  Vicki uses her hearing to also reveal that she overheard the evil prick threaten to steal her.  The Lawsons try to come up with a way to keep Vicki safe, and the Brindles come over after noticing the tech guys.  The Brindles pull their swindle and get themselves invited to dinner.

In the kids’ room, Vicki and Harriet play checkers but Harriet gets tired of losing.  Harriet says she wants to play the game she saw Vicki and Jamie playing the day before, when she saw Vicki in the cabinet, and then she proceeds to act like a robot.  Sure enough, the kidnapping prick shows up in the window and sees Harriet acting like a robot.  Seriously, how did he know which window to look into?  This leads the prick to believe Brindle is a genius and Harriet is actually a robot.  The Brindles and the tech guys leave, and Vicki reveals that they think Harriet is a robot.  They all have a laugh and then Jamie beats Vicki for trying to steal some pizza.  Actually, the way Vicki mouths, “oh,” I’m pretty sure that was a mistake, but still.

That’s it.  Apparently, all it takes to trump a ton of physical evidence that someone is a robot is someone else claiming to be one.  This episode was pretty freaking ridiculous.  Also, they really abused Vicki’s super hearing when she’s never had it before.

Firsts: Someone thinks Brandon is a genius; someone figures out Vicki is a robot and admits it; someone wants to steal Vicki; Vicki has a never before mentioned ability without being programmed

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Season 1, Episode 15: Babes in the Woods

Guys, there are 96 episodes of Small Wonder.  Once upon a time, this was a super exciting prospect.  Now I’m on the fifteenth episode and I can see why my friend didn’t think I’d last this long.  I’m going to make it, I am, it’s just… I knew Small Wonder was bad, but it wasn’t until I had to really concentrate on every episode I saw how bad.  I still love the show.  If I could watch it mindlessly, I would still enjoy it, even though now a part of me is always going to notice how much time Joan and Vicki spend in the kitchen, and how the people that are pro-women’s and children’s rights are the characters you’re supposed to dislike.

In some good news, at the end of the season, I am posting the rules for the Small Wonder drinking game.  It’s one of the fun things I’m working on so I can give myself a break between seasons so that you guys have something to enhance your own future viewings of Small Wonder.

Anyway, enough procrastinating.  I vaguely remember liking this episode, but the fact that it’s vague and I don’t explicitly remember liking this episode worries me.  So, let’s see how crazy I go.

Surprise, surprise, we start with Vicki and Joan in the kitchen.  It’s an episode where everyone goes camping… and, you know what, it’s not worth it.  I cannot change the 80s.  Vicki and Joan are baking a cake, and because there are not enough reminders that Vicki isn’t actually human, she’s also the timer.  Joan forgets Vicki takes things literally and tells her to put the cake down and Vicki drops it.  Ted comes home and wants to know what happened and Joan explains.  She decides to clean it up, but Ted’s like, “That’s what the slave child’s for.  It’s been a whole two minutes and we haven’t worked in a sex joke yet.”

Reggie comes over with bad news that the camping trip is off, which ruins the Lawson’s plans of spending the whole weekend sexing it up.  I don’t see how, these are the same people who routinely make sex jokes in front of the kids and can’t be bothered to stop going at it when their kid walks into a room – why are they choosing now to pretend they have shame?

Up in his room, Jamie is packing, presumably for the camping trip but in this show, who knows?  He could be trying to run away again because his sixth sense told him there’s no cake.  Reggie tells Jamie that the camping trip is off, and the boys are excited.  They hate camping – of course they do.  Camping is awesome – but in all fairness, I grew up in the middle of nowhere and routinely explored woods just to have something to do.  The boys fake being heartbroken, but it backfires because Ted is going to take the entire family camping.  He’s even remembering to bring Vicki, which is impressive for Ted.  I’m honestly surprised he didn’t think he could just shut her down and stick her in the cabinet for an entire weekend.  They also manage to make a joke about Ted’s cooking, which is crazy because, again, Ted’s too alpha to do anything resembling “woman’s” work.

Hey, first time Vicki’s not wearing a dress and it’s not a costume!  The Lawson’s get ready for their camping trip, and Harriet comes over.  She puts on the Brindle Swindle and gets invited to camping with the rest of the family.  They have to work in Vicki’s BFF somehow, right?  Plus, this way, there’s exactly as many girls as boys and they’re not being sexist!  Or something.

Everyone gets too lazy to get to the real campsite, so they just set up camp wherever they ended up.  Ted reveals to Joan that they’re lost because even though he marked the trail with popcorn, Harriet ate it.  Harriet’s a glutton now?  That’s what we’re going with?  Sure, why not.  The kids don’t know that they’re lost.  Meanwhile, Ted has Vicki set up the tent, and then after Harriet gets scared of a “monster”, he makes Vicki go after it.  The monster ends up being a lizard, and Ted is scared of it, too.  Everyone is screwed.

Vicki, Reggie, and Jamie go to collect wood, and Vicki smells chili dogs.  Turns out they’re near a zoo and a snack bar, which excites the boys because they’re saved from Ted’s cooking.   Apparently, Ted does cook that night, and it’s all burnt.  Harriet catches on that Vicki didn’t eat anything, so of course they make up an excuse that nobody questions too hard.

While they’re trying to sleep, they clearly hear a lion and Ted tries to say it’s crickets.  Everyone clearly sees through the bullshit.  Jamie knows it’s the zoo, but Ted doesn’t let him get a word in edgewise.  Soon they also hear monkeys and elephants, and everyone is confused.  Vicki admits to the zoo, but then she rats out Jamie and Reggie for eating chili dogs.  Ted is disappointed that he had to eat his own cooking.  So now that they’re not lost, they’re excited about the snack bar.  And… episode over.

No wonder I only vaguely remembered liking the episode.  It’s not loathsome, but at the same time – it’s not memorable.  But the Lawsons did get to spend more than half of an episode outside of the house, and I think that’s the most so far, so maybe I just liked it for that factor.

Firsts: most of the episode is set outside of the Lawson home, Vicki wears an outfit that isn’t her trademarked dress

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