Season 1, Episode 10: Vicki's Adoption

This episode is actually a highlight for me.  Let’s get to it.

Jamie’s eating breakfast and Vicki’s, I don’t know, supervising when Harriet comes over to ask if she can hide her mother’s birthday present at the Lawson house so that she won’t find it.  Harriet promises to do Jamie a favor if he helps her out, so he agrees and hides it in a cupboard.  That is the fastest Jamie’s been convinced to do anything.  I think he knows what he wants from Harriet already.  While he’s doing that, Harriet asks about Vicki’s parents, and of course the robot who can’t lie admits to not having them.

As soon as Jamie’s butt hits the seat after hiding Bonnie’s present, Bonnie Brindle comes over.  Again, I’m sure Harriet is wired.  She tells Harriet it’s time for school.  Joan enters the kitchen, and really I’m surprised she wasn’t there this whole time, and tells Jamie to walk Harriet.  That is sweet.  Harriet needs to adopt Joan.  Jamie offers to carry Harriet’s books so he can cover his face and no one will recognize him.  What an asshole.  Joan is apologetic and tries to say that Jamie adores Harriet, and Bonnie’s like, “Bitch, don’t front, I barely like her.”  Ouch.

Bonnie sticks around to look for her birthday present, which I’m surprised she doesn’t find in three seconds on account of Harriet being wired and everything, and notices that Vicki doesn’t go to school.  Bonnie interrogates Vicki, but Joan and Ted step in and are like, “We take care of her education here and blah blah blah, GTFO Bonnie.”  Bonnie takes the hint and leaves, leaving the Lawsons wondering where they should dump the body when they murder her so she’ll stop asking questions.  They decide that they already have too many secrets, so they postpone the murdering and just program Vicki to have a past.

Also, apparently to grow and shrink.  This is trippier than Alice in Wonderland.  Anyway, they seem to program her just in time, because Mrs. Fernwald, a soon to be recurring character from social services, shows up to evaluate the claim that Vicki doesn’t go to school.

Facts we learn about Vicki.  Full name: Victoria Ann Smith (soon to be Lawson).  Birth date: September 9, 1975 (meaning the first episode premiered 2 days before her 10^th birthday!).  She’s a Virgo with Taurus rising.  Her parents were killed in a tragic yet vague accident involving a plane and a train.  Vicki’s fake crying when the Lawsons said that it’s very sad what happened to her imaginary parents made her appear like a sociopath, and already I can’t wait until Vanessa shows up – all the way in season three.

After Vicki’s performance, the Lawsons ask if they can continue the interview in private, and Mrs. Fernwald agrees.  So clearly, smooth sailing lies ahead.  Oh, wait, no, the very next thing out of Joan’s mouth is “Vicki, why don’t you go to your cabinet?”  Way to go, Joan.  And this whole time I’ve been praising you for being smarter than everyone.

Ted goes on to tell this fantastic story about how Vicki’s parents were their best friends and they wrote a letter saying Vicki should live with the Lawsons should anything happen to the Smiths, and she lived in a convent and the nuns showed them the letter and blah blah blah.  I wasn’t saying fantastic as in “that’s great,” by the way.  I mean there is just no way in hell Ted could have laid it on any thicker.  Anyway, Mrs. Fernwald, simply by doing her job, excitedly assumes the Lawsons will be adopting Vicki, and they just end up going along for the ride.  Mrs. Fernwald mentions that she needs the documentation that Ted said existed because, well, the whole they’re not kidnapping a child and holding her in a dungeon and refusing to let her see light thing revolves around it.  The Lawsons realize they may be screwed.

Jamie comes home from school and Mrs. Fernwald drops the “you’re going to have a sister!” bomb on him, and Jamie excitedly believes his mother is pregnant.  When they correct him and say they’re adopting Vicki, he’s less than pleased.  I don’t know what kind of –ist that is, but Jamie is that.  Machinist?  Humanist?  Jamie prefers humans to robots, and it’s wrong is what it is.

Ted decides to forge documents for Vicki.  Joan, who needs to make up for the cabinet faux-pas, points out that’s illegal, and Ted says for humans, not for robots.  Um, I would like to see your degree in law, Ted.  I’m pretty sure the act of forging documents themselves is illegal, but I can’t follow that logic train too far because this is a wacky sitcom and not a drama about the legal rights of robots.

Of course, spending money on Vicki is lame, so Ted just programs her to forge her own documents.  With a Sharpie.  Genius.  As they’re finishing up, Mrs. Fernwald knocks on their back door.  Unlike every other time, however, she actually explains how she knew what room the Lawsons were in – Bonnie told her.  Makes perfect sense, Bonnie is a snoop.  Mrs. Fernwald picks up the documents, and mentions she made an appointment for Vicki’s physical.  Ted has a completely logical reaction to this: dismantle Vicki.

I seriously never got the big idea of why he couldn’t tell anyone.  I get why he preferred not to – he wants to see how well a robot can pose as a human.  But when push comes to shove, he’d rather kill her than let the world in on her secret.  Ted is a horrible human being.  For no reason at all, other than he inherited some fucked up genes from his dad, Jamie suggests a better solution would be to dismantle Harriet.  The hell.  I’m praying for Joan to be the voice of reason here.

They just skip ahead to the next day.  I will have no idea how they were convinced that murdering Vicki wasn’t the only solution.  Or how they came up with this genius solution.

The doctor somehow never picks up on Jamie being a boy, and makes comments about how cute he is.  His parents give him shit about it.  The doctor gets called to the golf course, so he decides “Vicki” is in perfect health.  This is supposed to be some kind of good and famous doctor.  I mean, Jamie didn’t even have to pee in a cup, and I remember doing that much during my physicals as a kid.

Well, after that rouse of a physical that I’m partially convinced the doctor was in on, Vicki is adopted.  Bonnie and Harriet come over, thinking the Lawsons are throwing a surprise birthday party for her.  The Lawsons explain that they’ve adopted Vicki, and Bonnie reveals she was the one who complained about Vicki not going to school – which is an issue that didn’t even get resolved in this episode.  Bonnie does point out fucked up shit does happen to kids and you can never be too safe, and the Lawsons do forgive her because this is a fact.

End credits, and oh shit y’all.  The doctor that’d rather play golf than do his job is Richard Erdman!  He grows up to be Leonard on Community.  I was just so enthralled that he was the world’s shittiest doctor that I missed it.  He’s on my first favorite show, and my current favorite show.  Circle of sitcoms and all that jazz.

Until next time, guys.

Firsts: Miss Fernwald, Bonnie isn't a complete tool