Season 1, Episode 11: Child Prodigy

Here we are, eleventh episode and I’ve been at this for more than two months now.  Special shout out to my friend who said I wouldn’t keep it up.  In the immortal words of Shawn and Gus from Psych: Suck it!  Wait, did he say two months or three months?  Either way, my celebratory suck it stands.

Anyway, remember how last episode Mrs. Fernwald was called over because Vicki didn’t attend school, and that idea was kind of completely dropped?  Don’t worry, it wasn’t completely forgotten, and it is the entire plot of this episode.  That’s something magical for any sitcom, let alone a wacky 80s one.

We start with Jamie trying to lift weights.  This actually will make it into the opening credits some day, so I don’t know… Jamie’s secretly buff, y’all.  Vicki comes in while he’s trying to do curls and says his dad needs him, so he skips a few numbers (like, six of them) so he can finish up.  Vicki of course calls him out on this, and when Jamie’s like “whatever,” Vicki tells him to learn how to count.  Oh, man, you have no idea how much I love her.  I legitimately am going to name my first born daughter after her.  Anyway, Jamie is an asshole and tells Vicki that even though she’s his sister now, it doesn’t change their master/slave relationship.  Jamie’s actual words.  At least he admits it, but that is seriously messed up.

Of course, when Jamie goes on and on about how weightlifting is making him strong, she gets him back.  That’s my girl!

Meanwhile, downstairs, Mrs. Fernwald shows up to follow up, because of all the people on this show that actually does their job, it’s Mrs. Fernwald.  The very first question she asks is about how Vicki is doing in school.  Yay, picked up storylines!  This may be a first for all wacky sitcoms out there.  They admit she hasn’t been to school yet, and when Mrs. Fernwald wants to know why, they do that thing where they lie at the same time and come up with different answers.  Vicki apparently had the measles and the chicken pox!  Did kids really still get the measles in the 80s?  I wouldn’t know; I was vaccinated in 1984 with a follow up in 1994.  I have also never gotten mumps or rubella.  Anyway, when they can’t get their stories immediately straight, they play it off like she’s always sick with something.  If this doesn’t make Mrs. Fernwald question the questionable physical from Vicki’s adoption process, nothing will.

Of course, it doesn’t help that Jamie and Vicki immediately come downstairs to show off how strong she is.  Mrs. Fernwald is all like, “Sickly child my ass,” and what she should have done was take Vicki away.  Instead, the Lawsons tried to play it off like it’s Styrofoam weights, but when Ted can’t lift them Joan tries to play it off like Ted’s a comedian.  The Lawsons try way too hard.  Ted tells Jamie to take Vicki to her room so she can lie down and rest, but Vicki understands this is her chance to escape from these horrible people so she tells the social worker that she stands in a cabinet all night with her eyes open.  They play it off like Vicki’s just a funny kid.  Seriously, would it have been too much trouble to ever give this kid a bed?

Mrs. Fernwald says they have to either send Vicki to school or get her a tutor.  Ted asks what their other options are, and Mrs. Fernwald says she can take Vicki away and put Ted’s ass in jail.  For some reason, the tutor option sounds really appealing to Ted.  Of course, Mrs. Fernwald knows a guy.  He’s good with kids and famous.  She said similar things about that shitty doctor.  I would just never trust any of the guys Mrs. Fernwald knows.

Ted and Joan have this plan that one of the parents must be with Vicki and the tutor at all times.  Not to sound like Joan, but actually – that makes sense.  Anyway, for some reason, Joan had to come out of the kitchen to be reminded of this plan.  Even if we haven’t seen the kitchen yet this episode, Joan was in it, and that should satisfy us.

The tutor comes over and he is a real no-nonsense guy.  It’s really obvious he hates kids, too.  Ted forgets that Vicki can speed read and she almost gives herself away in like one minute.  Vicki starts reciting what she read, and I’m amazed that the tutor has a textbook from 1983.  That’s the year my textbooks from like third grade were published, and that was in 1991.  Man, this tutor is way better than public school.  The tutor is impressed that not only can Vicki speed read, she can remember everything.  How do you forget to dumb down the robot when that was your only task?  Ted is just lazy, is what it is. 

The tutor claims Vicki isn’t a normal child, and Joan is like, “Well, damn, shit, we’ve been found out!”  But then he says she’s a child prodigy and Ted’s like, “She’s just an average idiot!”  Way to be a supportive dad, Ted.  The tutor agrees to take on Vicki as a student, to Ted and Joan’s horror.  Ted is afraid the tutor will find out Vicki is a robot, to which she tells Ted, “I am a child genius.  You don’t understand what we have here.”  I love when Vicki displays bouts of self-confidence against her horrible, horrible adoptive father.  Ted tries to correct Vicki, but she’s like “no no no!” and walks off.  Ted is in shock that his robot daughter has talked back to him, but seriously?  He didn’t see that coming?  She rats him out for being a jerkass to everyone who will listen; the rebellion was building.

A whole day later than he was supposed to, Ted gets around to dumbing down Vicki.  Because that’s not going to raise red flags.  Just stop being lazy, Ted, and maybe you wouldn’t find yourself in these situations!  The tutor reviews stuff with Vicki, but of course she has everything mixed up.  The tutor decides to not work with Vicki, but when thinking about the kind of tutor Vicki needs his ego is large enough to decide he can do it, after all.

Oh my gosh, Ted and Vicki are so seriously over each other’s bullshit.  I can’t even tell you why they were giving each other these looks because it was seriously out of nowhere.  It was pretty funny, though.  Ted blames Vicki for all of the problems that rose out of him deciding to build her, like a good emotionally abusive father, and sends her to her cabinet.  I’m kind of sad that they never got to the teen angst years, because this was them at Vicki age 10.  Ted, actually has a good idea that isn’t that sexist – he remembers that Joan actually went to college to be a teacher, and all she has to do is get accredited and then she can officially be Vicki’s tutor.  This actually works out well for Joan in the future, but I'm way ahead of myself.

Joan studies for the accreditation test, but she’s having a hard time.  Vicki corrects Joan, and when Joan desperately asks if Vicki’s sure, Vicki gets snippy and says child geniuses don’t make mistakes.  Joan has never done anything mean to you, Vicki!  That was uncalled for.  But luckily, Joan reacts very maturely.

Ted checks on Joan and tells her to not worry about it too much because she’ll get it.  He even volunteers to make dinner, which sounds like Joan made a robot Ted.  Stepford Husbands is a thing, right?  Jamie’s like, “Shit no, I’m not eating anything Dad cooks, I’ve been down that road before.”  When, Jamie?  Your dad doesn’t do housework for shit.  Maybe you’re a robot, too, and you’re just programmed to think that way.  Then Ted gives Joan the most horrifying hug that’s supposed to be comforting.

Also, I knew to be suspicious of Ted.  He puts on this whole show about trying to make spaghetti, which a six year old couldn’t screw up, but comes off as such a moron that Joan breaks down.  I don’t mean to cook dinner.  I mean, she has an emotional breakdown right there at the table.  Family member of the year there, Ted.

Another great Vicki and Ted moment!  Vicki decides to change the water, and Ted, probably because he’s having a human moment, decides he’ll just do it and asks Vicki to put the water down.  So she drops it on his foot.  Ted’s like “I didn’t say on my foot!” and Vicki replies, “You didn’t say not on your foot.”  This is Vicki and Ted now.  I love it.  It only took her 11 episodes to find herself, and she’ll only get more kick ass.  I think Vicki has put together that now there’s a legal record of her existence, there’s repercussions to just dismantling her now, and she can get away with more.  She is a child genius.

Anyway, it was filler because everyone’s waiting to find out how Joan did on her accreditation test!  Mrs. Fernwald comes by again to check on Vicki’s schooling, and Ted reveals they’re not going with her tutor.  Joan comes home just in time to announce she’s Vicki’s new, fully accredited tutor.  Everyone cheers Joan on, and Ted says that they’re a very supportive family to Mrs. Fernwald.  She buys that crap.  She also believes they’re a perfect family.  Oh my gosh, if only she could have seen all those Vicki and Ted moments this episode!  Anyway, she does promise to come back to check on Vicki’s progress.  Then the episode ends with a sex joke because they haven’t told enough of those lately.  The End!

Firsts: Joan’s educational background is mentioned, Joan becomes Vicki’s tutor, a dropped storyline gets picked up, Vicki and Ted openly battle each other