Season 1, Episode 21: The Reluctant Halfback

Jamie hates football this week.  That’s really all the pre-show thing I have to say.  I mean, there was an entire episode already dedicated to how much he loves football, but there’s also episodes where Ted and Vicki are nice to each other.  Syndicated sitcoms have no rules.

This episode starts as many episodes do, with Vicki and Joan cooking in the kitchen.  I really can’t wait until season 2.  Hot damn, only three more episodes to go after this one!  Joan asks Vicki to see if the water is boiling, and Vicki uses her finger and whistles like a teapot.  I mean, I get that Vicki is short, being 10 and all, but tiptoes and looking into the pot for bubbles would have told her the same thing.  You don’t need fancy tools to see if water is boiling.  It tells you.  Anyway, Joan asks Vicki to throw out the garbage, and passive aggressive Vicki literally throws the garbage can outside.  When Joan admits she made a mistake in the request and asks Vicki to clean it up, Vicki is all like, “Women!  They can’t make up their mind!”  That one is a real, direct quote.  Misogyny is still strong with this show.  Joan wants to know where Vicki learned that and she’s like, “The alpha male.”  Fucking Ted.

Jamie and Ted enter the kitchen and Jamie announces that he’ll be home late from school because he’s going to the tryouts for the Pee Wee league football team.  Ted is immediately proud because alpha males play football and he starts to regale Jamie with tales of his own days.  I would hate to burst Ted’s bubble here (no I wouldn’t), but I used to be my cousin’s favorite football player, and I’m a girl.  I’m a kicker, though.  Ted wants to know if Jamie will be a quarterback like him, and Jamie says he’ll be a spectator like his mom – he just wants to be supportive of Reggie, who’s trying out.  Dammit, sometimes Jamie really is a good friend.  Joan is happy that Jamie isn’t going to play because of how violent the sport is, and the mention of violence brings out sociopath Ted for a second.  Ted swears football isn’t that bad, and when Joan wants to know one good thing, he mentions the short skirts on the cheerleaders.  Um, we were talking about little kid football, right?  Like, that’s disturbing.

Ted wants to know why Jamie isn’t trying out, and Jamie says he isn’t into football this week.  Ted emotionally blackmails Jamie into trying out.  I wish that was an exaggeration.  He literally basically says Jamie will try out, or he doesn’t love Ted anymore.  Jamie obviously agrees.

Joan and Vicki are watching soap operas, and when Joan decides that soap operas are a waste of time, she comments it might be better to get rid of the TV set.  So, Vicki decides to help her out and literally throws out the TV set.  Ted comes home and wants to know what happened, and Vicki says Joan has to watch what she says in front of her.  Ted shrugs it off and is like, “We should get a new one anyway.”  Then Ted gives Vicki a football… this will end well.  He tells her how to grip it and tells her to make like she’s throwing it.  In his defense, he didn’t tell her to throw it.  Vicki throws it through the window anyway.  Joan quips they needed a new one anyway.  Hey, Joan, I hate to side with Ted, but he didn’t actually tell her to throw it – you did say it would be better to get rid of the TV set.  One of you is more wrong and it’s sadly not the alpha male.

Jamie comes home with the football and TV antennae, confused, and he gets a one word explanation: “Vicki.”  He accepts this.  Life with a robot must become monotonous after nearly a year.  Ted asks Jamie how try outs went and Jamie starts off with how he can’t throw for shit.  That’s a great way to start.  Ted’s like, “Whatever, you’ll get over it, let’s practice.”  Jamie’s like, “Dude, I don’t even want to try out” and Ted’s like, “We’re practicing, let’s go.”

Ted sets up a tire for Jamie to practice throwing the football through, but Ted can’t even do it.  Ted says his throw is rusty because it’s been 10 or 12 years since he was a quarterback in high school, and Vicki immediately calls him out on the mathematical impossibility of that claim.  Jamie’s like, “I might not be quarterback material” and Ted’s like, “I didn’t raise a loser, just get better.”  Then Harriet comes over in a cheerleading uniform – she was inspired to become one after she heard Jamie was trying out for the football team.  Harriet made up a cheer for Jamie, but it’s about Jamie’s name.  She only has the “give me a J” part, though, because she doesn’t know how to spell Jamie.  That would be more valid if he was a girl, but, whatever.

Jamie doesn’t make the team, and the Coach tries to give him a pep talk.  Reggie makes the team, expresses pity for Jamie not making the team, and then brags about his touchdown victory dance.  Jamie’s afraid to go home because he doesn’t want to tell Ted he didn’t make the football team.  Reggie actually is a good friend and tries to comfort Jamie.

Ted and Vicki are playing football and Ted still sucks.  Vicki calls him out on it, and Ted says when he wants Vicki’s opinion, he’ll give her one.  He actually said that.  Then he tells Vicki to show him she can do better, and she does and breaks the garage door.  Taking a cue from her parents, she decides they needed a new one anyway.  Pointless running gags are pointless.  Jamie comes home and wants to know what happened to the garage door and Ted takes credit, claiming he forgot his own strength.  Vicki calls him out on the bullshit but doesn’t correct him in front of Jamie.  Ted somehow jumps to the conclusion that Jamie made the team as a first string quarterback, and Jamie doesn’t correct him.  But Jamie does tell Vicki the truth, but asks her not to tell.  She agrees.

Harriet comes back over and says she worked on Jamie’s cheer and she can spell his whole name now, and oh, yeah, she knows he got cut from the football team.  Jamie wants to know how she found out, and Harriet says she went to cheer for him and they told her.  Harriet is upset that she learned a cheer that she can’t use, but realizes her problem is nothing compared to the fact Jamie hasn’t told Ted yet.  Jamie wants to know how Harriet knows that, and she’s like, “Really?  Did we just meet yesterday?”  Harriet is so self-aware.  Jamie realizes Harriet overheard it, and Harriet blackmails Jamie into taking her on a movie date.

Joan asks Vicki to separate the laundry into two piles so Vicki starts ripping it in half.  Joan gets frustrated with herself, but I’m concerned she has a brain tumor.  How long has she been living with a robot and she’s made this many mistakes?  Joan asks Jamie about football practice, and he honestly says they never lay a hand on him.  Then he walks past Ted, who’s coming up with plays for Jamie.  Ted’s more excited about the football game on Saturday, and Jamie tries to convince Ted to not go to the game.  Ted’s too excited and proves he doesn’t actually care about Jamie’s feelings.

After Friday practice, Reggie asks Jamie what he’s going to do when his dad finds out that he’s not going to play, and Jamie says he’s going to fake a sprained ankle.  As he practices it, Reggie reminds him it’s more convincing to limp on the same foot.  This scene feels like filler because it was super short.

Back home, Joan asks Vicki to dust some things in her room.  She’s actually kind of specific in her wording this time.  Vicki complies, and Joan says that having a robot in the family makes things easier.  Vicki says “Easier for you, not for me,” and my heart breaks.  Joan is slowly becoming one of the slave drivers, and poor Vicki knows it.  Don’t mistreat your robot children, y’all.  If they’re programmed to be a ten year old, they kind of know ten year olds aren’t supposed to be slaves.  Ted comes home with a newspaper and notices that Jamie’s name isn’t on the roster and he decides he’s going to go to the school to have a chat with the coach.  Jamie comes home with his fake limp, but upon finding out Ted went to talk to the coach, he runs to try to catch up to him.  Joan calls out Jamie on his limp being gone, and he’s all, “It’s a miracle!”

Probably because he owns a car, Ted clearly makes it to the school before Jamie.  He asks the coach why Jamie wasn’t on the roster, and the coach is like, “He’s not on the team, dude.”  That’s when Jamie gets to the school, which makes him one hella fast runner.  He should be on the track team.  Ted tells Jamie it’s okay he didn’t make the team, and Ted admits he’s ashamed with himself and that he was trying to live vicariously through Jamie.  Ted wasn’t on the football team in high school and he only played for two minutes in one game.  Jamie says that actually makes him feel better because like father, like son.  The end.

Firsts: Jamie hates football, Jamie agrees to go on a date with Harriet