Okay, this one is another really clearly mislabeled
episode. It has the name of the episode where
the healthy person Ted knew died from a heart attack, but this one is about a
corporate takeover. This is why I use a
different list for the episode names. It
has to be somewhat more accurate. Oh,
and good news everybody! This is episode
20! The first season has 24 episodes…
that means we are so, so close to when I give myself a slight break between
seasons and post the rules to the Small Wonder drinking game. Get those livers ready!
Jamie comes downstairs wearing bizarre fake ears and what
looks like those X-ray specs you get from the back of comic books? Anyway, he makes Vicki come down and then
tells her to wear Groucho Marx glasses.
They’re going to play some prank on his parents or something? Jamie is bad at pranks, noted. The kids go into the kitchen for breakfast,
and upon seeing the kids, Joan puts on some glasses with the eyes that bug out
on springs. She wears those in the theme
song after this season for… forever.
Anyway, the kids have a laugh as Ted enters the kitchen
and tells the kids they look weird, and then compliments Joan. Ted talks about how a soft drink company
wants to buy United Robotronics, and Joan asks what we’re all thinking – why? Ted says something that involves the words “diversification”,
“bankrupt”, “government loan”, and “make a fortune,” and guys, I think he was
explaining our current economic crisis.
Queue Joan’s catchphrase: “That makes sense.” Jamie asks if Ted’s job will be affected, and
Ted’s like, “I don’t think so.” Of
course, Jamie’s Jamie and that wasn’t his actual concern – he wanted to con a
bike out of his dad. He’s told to earn
the money the old fashioned way.
Jamie decides to have a garage sale to buy the bike, and
Joan donates a lot of things for the cause.
Ted comes home and tries to convince Joan to save a brown sweater of his
– probably to fill precious seconds of time.
Brandon comes over soon after and says it’s great that they’re having a
garage sale because he forgot to tell Ted at work, but Ted’s fired. The takeover is going to cut down Ted’s
department, and since Brandon is in charge, he’s throwing Ted to the dogs. Brandon’s a great friend. Ted isn’t actually that worried about losing
his job.
They cut to the garage sale and the kids aren’t having
luck selling anything. Crazy thing:
Vicki talks in a human voice for one line when she isn’t mimicking anyone. Small taste of Vanessa. Jamie wants to give the money to his dad
instead of buying the bike, and he’s concerned that his dad will be a homeless
wino without a job. Jamie didn’t follow
that logic train all the way back to the station and realize they’d all be
homeless, but I digress. And seriously,
why was there always concern about what would happen if Ted lost his job? He invented Vicki. I’m sure he could have had an early tech
start up in the Silicon Valley and been fine.
Harriet comes over and Jamie tries to sell her skates for
$8. Harriet bargains down to $2, and
Harriet points out Jamie’s charging too much and that’s why nothing is
selling. When Jamie reminds Harriet he
has reason to be concerned about money, Harriet tells Jamie she’s going to help
him save Ted’s job. Harriet is a saint,
sometimes. Except her plan is for Jamie
to marry her, and Jamie says he’d rather kill himself. Sometimes this show is too wacky for its own
good. Jamie decides to actually get a
job. Jamie says someone in town has to
be looking for a bright, energetic 11-year-old, and Vicki takes the opportunity
to bust his chops. I love my snarky
robot.
Brandon comes over while Joan is alone in the kitchen to
pity the Lawsons and show off his new expensive suit. He’s just the greatest friend in the
world. He also mentions that the store
in the mall where he bought his “expensive” suit is hiring. Dude, that suit is stupid cheap. It’s not even tailor made! Brandon thought Joan would like to know so
she could apply and bring some money into the household, and Joan so very
nearly cold clocks him in the back of the head.
I normally have feelings for Brandon, but he’s super laying on the
sleaze this episode.
Ted comes home and he… he is wearing a nice suit. Take lessons, Brindle. It’s not tailor made, either, but it’s not
gaudy! Basic black is where it’s
at. Anyway, Ted is just beaming with
happiness, so you know this is going to be good. Brandon accuses Ted of being drunk, but Ted
decides he’s going to trump Brandon in the good friend wars and says that the
president of the company informed him that Ted’s not losing his job, and he’s
going to be in charge of the department.
He then threatens Brandon’s job in the kitchen, but Brandon bolts before
Ted can even say anything. Ted says he’s
not going to really fire Brandon, but he wants to leave him dangling.
Well, nobody told Jamie the good news and he’s out
looking for a job with Vicki. They go to
a car lot, and the salesman automatically assumes they’re trying to buy and
while it’s illegal to sell to minors, he can be convinced by how good their
fake ID looks. I’m not even making this
up. Whoever wrote this episode must
associate with pure sleazeballs because… just so much sleaze in one
episode. Sidebar: even the creepy car
salesman dresses better than Brandon Brindle.
Jamie reveals he just wants to wash the cars, and the guy agrees to hire
them at $0.50 a car. While they’re
washing the cars, a guy comes to buy a car and Vicki tries to help out and ends
up breaking a Beetle. The kids try to
take off before they get caught. I mean,
they do get caught, but there’s nothing the guy can do about it.
At dinner, Harriet comes over in dirty rags so she can
sell her dolls in the Lawson’s garage sale.
Harriet sells the sob story, and mid-way through it she borrows Bonnie’s
catchphrase. We also notice that Brandon
scripted Harriet’s sob story. I just
love that he’s trying to Brindle Swindle his way out of being fired when he was
just such a heartless asshole when the shoe was on the other foot. Ted reveals Brandon isn’t fired yet, and
Brandon starts groveling. That’s a weird
reaction to not being fired yet. Joan
ruins the punchline, and Brandon is grateful that Ted isn’t going to fire
him. Brandon is so happy that he says he’s
taking the Lawsons out to dinner – and he’s actually going to pay. Unfortunately, the takeover falls through,
and status quo is restored. He still
agrees to go out to dinner, but uses the Brindle Swindle to make the Lawsons
pay while he picks up parking.
Jamie comes home and reveals he went to get a job, and
Ted is like, “I didn’t lose my job.”
Vicki’s just happy that the family won’t be laying in the gutter with
winos. They actually do that for an
episode. It’s awesome. Anyway, episode over. It didn’t feel cohesive, like scenes were
added just for the sake of being added and the whole thing could have been a 5
minute minisode. If Fox ever gets in the
business of doing minisodes, they should start with this episode.
Firsts: Brandon offers to pay for something
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