Season 2, Episode 2: The Shoplifter

I was starting to review this episode before I burned out and realized it was just too hard to do on a Nook. Feels like - a year longer than it actually was. Guys - we’re really really back! Let’s get started.

We start with Ted entering the kitchen and telling Vicki to pour him a cup of coffee before immediately blocking said cup of coffee with a newspaper because we need to start of with the robot wackiness right away. And Vicki delivers on the wackiness. Maybe next time don’t make your request so impossible, Ted. At least Jamie and Joan appreciate Vicki’s solution.

Apparently, the reason Ted couldn’t put down the paper for even ten seconds was because he was enthralled with an article about kid shoplifters. Vicki doesn’t know what shoplifting is, so Joan tells her. In the real world, that wouldn’t backfire, but this is Sitcomland. Ted and Joan show disgust in the epidemic, with Joan going as far as to say the parents are to blame and they should be punished. Oh, I wish that couldn’t possibly be a set up.

The front doorbell rings, which surprised me because guests always know what room the Lawsons are in. Weird. Jamie volunteers to answer it - wait, complimenting Vicki, not being lazy - guys, Jamie’s been body snatched.  It’s Vicki’s social worker, Mrs. Fernwald! Jamie recognized her by her hat. Yeah. So he tells his parents she’s there and they freak out because of that whole fraud thing that went down during the whole adoption process - all of which could have been avoided if Ted didn’t have to act like he was a KGB agent and Vicki was a Soviet secret. It’s 1986, I choose to believe that analogy works.

Turns out, Mrs. Fernwald is just checking in on Vicki because that’s what social workers do. They don’t place kids and forget about them. It’s baffling the times Small Wonder chooses to add realism to the show, but I actually appreciate it. Mrs. Fernwald even makes sure Joan is still a credentialed teacher. I like Mrs. Fernwald.

Mrs. Fernwald even brought Vicki a birthday present, and Ted and Joan are confused by the fact that they gave Vicki a birthday. Yeah, you guys did that when you forged her birth certificate. Get it together, guys. Joan actually brilliantly covers by saying they’re throwing Vicki a surprise party, which Ted nearly blows by smartly saying he just learned of it. Ted, you are just the worst. Mrs. Fernwald invites herself to the birthday party because I would, too. This Ted person is super suspicious. She asks what time and mentions she has an appointment at 4:00. So of course the party is at 4:00! Mrs. Fernwald says she’ll change the appointment because I would, too. These Lawsons can’t be trusted.

Joan wonders how they’re going to pull off having a surprise party, and Ted says, “I don’t know, surprise me.” So Joan punches him in the stomach. That is how Houdini died! That is straight up spousal abuse! It was a stupid joke, but dang, that was a bit of an overreaction! No wonder Ted acts so alpha! That is not even the first time Joan has hit Ted, but this is the first time it made me question how okay it actually is. Then she drags him upstairs by the hood of his sweatshirt. How are the Brindles not seeing and reporting that?!

Jamie takes Vicki to a department store, and I already see a guy following them. I’ve been followed in a department store, so I know what it looks like. If your job is following people in a department store, be less obvious. Jamie asks Vicki if she knows what they’re going to do and she says “shoplift.” Take her home right now, Jamie! That is your red flag.

Jamie ignores the obvious red flag and tells Vicki they’re shopping for her birthday present, but first they’re doing some browsing. When Jamie steps away, the guy I knew was following them approaches Vicki and asks if she needs help with anything and she mimics Jamie’s browsing. So, clearly this guy is on top of making sure theft doesn't happen. Or, wait, this is Small Wonder.

Jamie spots some gold watches and he wishes he could take the whole display case. So Vicki lifts the display case. That is your second red flag, Jamie. Jamie points out a specific watch with diamonds that Joan would like, then walks away literally ten seconds after saying he can’t take his eyes off of Vicki. So of course she takes it. Did the guy following her miss both of these things? Why is he employed?

Speaking of suspiciously absent people, Harriet finally shows up while Joan is half-ass looking at a box of what I assume is decorations? Harriet says she happened to be under the kitchen door that morning, so Joan assumes she overheard about Vicki’s birthday party. How? That went down in the living room. Just how good is the hearing of a Brindle? Harriet says she noticed that the geraniums needed watering and then asks if she can come to the party now that she knows about it. Joan is reluctant but agrees. She did bring it on herself by assuming.

Jamie and Vicki come home and Jamie tells Vicki he got her a present for himself because robots don’t have birthdays. Ah, the body snatcher has left and the real Jamie has returned. Vicki says she got “Mom” a birthday present. I don’t think she’s ever called Joan “Mom” before! She always calls her Jamie's mom. This would be a much sweeter moment if she didn’t reveal a stolen watch, further proving what a disturbed child she is. Neglect Vicki less, Lawsons. Jamie is shocked, but Vicki is super nonchalant about the whole thing. Jamie realizes Ted will murder them both so decides to take the watch back. I’ve watched enough 80s sitcoms to know that is the wrong response. It seems like the responsible thing to do, but that’s when you get busted.

The guy who failed at following the Lawson children before approaches the kids immediately upon entering the store, but Jamie can’t recognize red flags and doesn’t realize they should abort the mission. He decides he’ll create a distraction while Vicki puts the watch back.

So Jamie decides this isn’t suspicious behavior. We’re in cringe territory. I hate cringe territory. He claims his malaria is back as a crowd forms. I just... can I review just half an episode? No? Well, okay...

Of course Vicki gets busted putting it back. You should have been lookout, Jamie, not - whatever the hell that was.

Joan has set up the party and Ted says he had a hard time finding Vicki a present. He is carrying golf clubs. You don’t want to question that, Joan? He left you to set up while he bought a dress then played golf. You know that, right? 

The doorbell rings and Mrs. Fernwald has returned. Oh, this is going to be good. Harriet comes soon after, bringing back the punch bowl Bonnie had borrowed six months prior - that’s Harriet’s present. Practical.

Jamie calls and Ted pulls Joan into the kitchen. That’s not suspicious behavior. Mrs. Fernwald strikes up a conversation with Harriet, and Harriet says the sweetest thing she has ever said - Vicki is the only girl she likes more than herself. Then she calls Vicki weird, so that was short-lived. Mrs. Fernwald wants to know more.

In the kitchen, Joan and Ted are trying to figure out where they went wrong with Vicki. Guys, I have documentation. Like remember that time you tried to make her worse at chess than you because you’re a sore loser, Ted? At least Ted blames himself, as he should. I guess he can be a real man sometimes.  But also Joan needs to take blame this time. She was the one who accidentally programmed Vicki. Ted goes to try and help the kids, and Joan walks in on Harriet telling Mrs. Fernwald about the whole standing in the cabinet and talking like a robot thing. Joan covers it with “vivid imagination.” Yeah, those two words can cover most forms of weirdness. Also, Vicki always talks like a robot, so what crack is everyone one that they only notice sometimes?

So the guy who was following the kids is the store detective. Some detective! He missed Vicki picking up an entire display case. Ted and Jamie try pleading Vicki’s case, but Vicki chooses the wrong time to mimic people. Then Vicki steals the watch again and says to blame it on the parents. Oh, that robot. Also, this guy has yet to actually catch Vicki while she steals. How is he employed? How much merchandise walks out that doesn't conveniently walk back in?

Back home, Joan tries to send Mrs. Fernwald away, but she doesn’t want to disappoint Vicki. Yeah, I agree, this party is pretty sad having just two guests and all. The doorbell rings and Joan opens it to Ted, Jamie, Vicki, the store detective, and a police officer. Fun! Now the party can really get started!

The store detective says he has a warrant to search the house for stolen merchandise, and it’s Mrs. Fernwald to the rescue! She defends Vicki and also apparently hits on the store detective - isn’t she married? Then she asks him out. Why? Why is this show so awkward?

So, everything is resolved and the Lawsons wish Vicki a happy birthday. Vicki wishes Joan a happy birthday and reveals she stole the watch again. Rule of threes guys, rule of threes. Ted is quick to return it, but you know what - with everything they went through, I would have kept it. The watch was just meant to be theirs for free.

That’s it for this week. Another week where they do something good, so they doubled down on the stupid and awkward.

Firsts: Vicki calls Joan “Mom”