Season 2, Episode 3: My Mother the Teacher

So I’ve said a million times I do the episodes in production order, except for the exception I’ll be making in season four. This episode is a perfect example of why. It originally aired well before the episode I reviewed last week, but in that episode Mrs. Fernwald asked Joan if she was still tutoring Vicki, and in this one Vicki starts school. I can’t criticize continuity because it was aired out of the order it was made in, because they technically kept it. Anyway, let’s get to it.

Small Wonder has the cutest aprons. At least they make sure the women staying in the kitchen are dressed to impress. Anyway, Joan is clipping coupons and has Vicki making mashed potatoes. She tells Vicki to put the beater into the potatoes and spin it real fast, so of course Vicki spins herself really fast. That’s kind of stretching it, but whatever. Small Wonder has a special effects budget, so by gosh, they’re going to use it. Joan blames herself for Vicki’s mistake,but come on. Vicki needs to learn how pronouns work - wait, isn’t Joan Vicki’s teacher? Yes, Joan, blame yourself for not doing your one fake job.

Ted comes home and asks Joan how her day was as he notices the potato gunk everywhere. Joan says terrible, so Ted makes a joke about the mess. Ted, this woman hits you on the regular - do you really want to poke the bear? Joan explains she’s bored because Ted built a robot child slave so she has nothing better to do. Just because you have a robot slave doesn’t mean you have to use it all the time! Anyway, Ted realizes we’re two minutes into the episode and nobody has made a sex joke yet so he gets it out of the way.

Jamie comes home from school and asks Ted if he even went to work because he left his parents in the same position, but Ted just says you can’t overdo a good thing. Jamie goes on about how great school was because his teacher got sick and he got a two hour recess. Wait, who gets recess in junior high?! Man, I got ripped off. Jamie also refers to his teacher as a battleax and commented with pure glee how green she turned. So of course his parents chastise him and remind him empathy is a thing, right? Have you seen Small Wonder? Ted simply suggests they’ll have the battleax replaced with a sub by the next day. Jamie points out that all the teachers are sick and the principal is having a hard time finding enough subs - who is poisoning the teachers? Flu my foot, not that many teachers are sick if the kids aren’t. Anyway, Joan comments that she actually read about that in the paper, and Ted points out Joan could do the job.

Joan doesn’t know if she’s really ready to actually use that teaching credential that she drove herself crazy to earn, but Ted says it would help him out to have Vicki go to a public school with public kids. What?! How do you keep continuity and ignore it in the same five minutes? The whole reason Joan has her teaching credential is because you didn’t want Vicki to go to a public school with public kids. Season three, where are you? I need me some Vanessa and LES. Ted and Jamie encourage Joan to do it and she decides to call the principal. Ted tells Vicki that she’ll be going to school, and she mimics Jamie’s comments about his teacher. It doesn’t even make sense but the Lawsons all seem to think it’s funny. That wacky robot.

So we finally see the inside of Jamie’s school. It is very depressing. My school at least painted the lockers to not match the walls. Jamie and Vicki walk up to Reggie and he wants to know what Vicki’s doing in school. Jamie says Vicki’s going to be in their class, which Reggie thinks is cool but he thought Vicki didn’t go to school with them because she was a snob. Wait, isn’t Vicki supposed to be  a year younger than them? Don’t question that, Reggie, just insult the girl. Vicki doesn’t know what a snob is, so Reggie acts it out for her. Expect it to come back later. Reggie’s locker is stuck, so Vicki rips it off the hinges for him. Reggie is impressed.

Reggie worries about the pop quiz they did the day before, and Jamie says he’ll put in a good word with the new teacher since they’re pretty close. Reggie asks the teacher’s name and Jamie says “Mom.” It was a tired joke. I’d rather have last week’s cringiness over that joke. Reggie is excited that Joan is going to be the teacher, and tells the class that she’s the nicest person in the world. Jamie calls his mother a push-over. Oh my gosh, why have they not abandoned him in a shopping center yet? Punky Brewster’s mom did it and Punky’s actually awesome. Even Sitcomland has no justice.

Joan thanks the principal for the opportunity, and he tells her being a teacher is no different than being a housewife. “Instead of yelling at your own kids for no money, you’ll be yelling at someone else’s kids for no money.” I like that joke! I like the principal. I think he comes back a few times. That makes me happy. The principal introduces Joan and Vicki to the class. Joan gets nervous in front of the class and says she is new even though she’s qualified, then points out the class should be the nervous ones. Please let this be foreshadowing. Joan asks if the class was going over - um, something - before the teacher left and Jamie says “that’s right, Mom.” Then he laughs like he just pulled a prank. I am over him. Joan tells him to raise his hand and that she’s not Mom, she’s Mrs. Lawson. Then Jamie asks if he has to call her that at home, too. Send him to the principal’s office.

Joan starts asking the class questions as a review, and Vicki starts answering all the questions. I mean, she raises her hand first, but dang Vicki is rude. Jamie tells Vicki to cool it, but she doesn’t listen. Reggie asks Joan to tell Vicki to give the rest of the class a chance because showing off how smart she is is just rude. We agree, Reggie! Reggie actually called her a snob, though, so Vicki acts it out and that is apparently the classes cue to stop caring and start throwing things. I’m 100% sure this episode of Small Wonder is why I never wanted to be a teacher.

Joan gets mad, as she rightfully should, and she sends students to the board to write that they will not misbehave 100 times. It’s not going to fit, but I trust your judgment Mrs. Lawson. She makes Reggie write a 500 word composition on the revolutionary war, and the rest of the class has to read six chapters. Joan tells them not to complain because they started it. Reggie decides Mrs. Lawson is more of a monster than a pushover. No, she’s just a mom. Moms are all cool until you misbehave. Reggie tells Jamie to get rid of her. Joan asks Jamie what they’re talking about and when he says nothing, Vicki repeats one of the comments. Love that robot.

Ted comes home from work and Vicki is in the living room vacuuming. Ted says hi, and Vicki sucks up his tie in the vacuum. She’s just not in the mood for Ted at all today, I guess. He asks Vicki what she learned in school, and she said throw a spitball. Ted repeats it, so Vicki throws a spitball at him. Love that robot. Ted walks into the kitchen and immediately tells Joan he disapproves of her teaching methods. Doesn’t even say hi or make a sex joke. I think he’s being serious. Joan explains some of the kids got out of hand but she nipped it in the bud, and Ted somehow turns that into a sex joke. I guess I spoke too soon. Jamie comes home with his backpack on and I just don’t understand how he’s barely coming home from school when Joan is there and Vicki even had time to vacuum. Did Joan give him detention? Wait, he came home after Ted in the beginning, too - Jamie doesn’t play sports. Just what is he up to after school?! I need to know.

Jamie says he needs to talk to Joan alone, and Ted says, “real man to person stuff, huh?” So who’s the man? A twelve year old? And why couldn’t he say “woman”? Is that a ridiculous notion? Either way, for once, Ted isn’t a heel and decides to check the mail so Jamie and Joan can have their privacy. Jamie tries to get Joan to quit, but she doesn’t take the bait. Jamie fakes being happy about it, but then immediately tries to convince Ted to get Joan to quit and somehow Ted works in another sex joke. Like, has he just not been getting enough? Because this is getting ridiculous. Ted can tell something is really bothering Jamie, so Ted coaxes it out of Jamie. Ted ends up taking Joan’s side, so Jamie decides to program Vicki to help Joan decide being a teacher sucks.

The next day, Jamie and Vicki sneak out of a classroom. Reggie approaches them and asks what they’ve done about Joan. Jamie promises she’s taken care of, and Reggie says she better be or Jamie’s next and then pantomimes a hanging. Wow, some best friend. Joan asks if everyone did what she assigned and they say yes, so she just takes their word for it. Really? Because the first thing I would have done was given them a pop quiz. You really need to commit to your punishments, Joan. Joan starts to teach them about George Washington, and then pulls down a map of the United States - why? America was slightly different in the 1700s. Either way, there’s a drawing of a monster man on the map and it startles Joan. She asks who did it, but when no one fesses up she agrees to let it go this time. So of course she immediately finds chattering teeth on her desk. Dude, Joan’s kids are lame. This is the best a troublemaker and a robot could come up with? Joan threatens them with the pop quiz she should have given them in the first place and finds a giant spider balloon in the desk. These Lawson children are not creative.

Joan has finally had it, so Joan demands an answer. Vicki says she cannot tell a lie, and Joan deflates when she think her darling daughter is involved. However, Vicki blames Jamie, but Jamie is quick to point out Vicki helped. Just like real siblings! Joan sends them both to the principal’s office. Uh, Joan, you know Vicki had to be programmed, right? She didn’t do this of her own volition. You’re not Ted. She tells the class that if it ever happens again she’ll send them all to the principal’s office and then immediately sits on a whoopie cushion.

At home, Jamie is picking at his dinner and his parents tell him to eat it. Jamie’s upset that Joan sent him to the principal’s office - well, because you turned your classroom into a circus, dude. I’m still upset she sent Vicki. Ted starts to say Jamie deserved it, but gets sidetracked when he finds out that Joan sent Vicki, too. Look at Ted being a good robotic father this episode. He got choked for no reason so I’m giving him one free pass in a future episode. Joan justifies it by saying she was upset and they did do it together. Ted explains to Jamie that it would be wrong if Jamie had done that to any teacher, but then he wants to know why because it’s not like Jamie to act that way. Damn, he’s being a good normal father, too. Why is Ted not written this way in every episode? I could like this Ted! Vicki speaks up for Jamie and explains that Jamie wants Joan gone so he’d still have some friends left. The kids explain that the other children don’t like her, and it upsets Joan. She agrees to quit, which makes Jamie happy, but Ted disapproves. And he’s being a good husband this episode?! Seriously, if it wasn’t for the 9000 sex jokes made earlier in the episode, I literally could not complain about Ted this episode. That is a first!

Jamie tells the other students that Joan is leaving, and they get excited. Then Joan and the principal walk in together. The principal says that many of the children have complained to their parents, but the parents have been calling in to thank him for employing a teacher like her. It turns out that the real teacher is quite sick and so Joan is staying for a long time. Yeah, that’s not the flu. Someone poisoned that teacher. The police need to be investigating the matter. Joan says she does want to be the kids’ friends so that they need to work towards that. Then she finds one left over prank from the day before, so Vicki drags Jamie with her as she takes herself to the principal’s office. The end.

That was hard. I’m seriously concerned about what happened to the original teacher, but that’s never being touched upon again. I'm also seriously concerned about Vicki. So, at first I thought Vicki vacuuming Ted was a "I'm tired of this bull" thing, but actually, I noticed this when I re-watched the episode:

Vicki is dusting Jamie! She is malfunctioning. Ted, you were such a good dad this episode - how about doubling down and being a good inventor? Notice your robot's cries for help!

Firsts: Vicki goes to school, we see the inside of the school, Ted wasn’t an insufferable tool