Season 2, Episode 5: Moving Up

I don’t remember this episode like, at all. The last time that happened, it was a completely forgettable episode. Let’s see if this episode is par for the course.

Ted walks into the kitchen and sees Joan on the phone with someone named Natalie. There is no Natalie on Small Wonder. Joan doesn’t have friends. I’m already calling shenanigans on this episode. Ted is like “woman, I told you to stay off the phone” and Joan was like “my imaginary friend wanted to give me this recipe.” Is that a real thing? Did women in the 80s really just call each other to give each other recipes? Because that seems like an in-person thing. Ted asks Joan to stay off the phone because he’s expecting a call about whether or not he’s getting a new job at another robotics company. I have asked this before: why doesn’t Ted just create his own company? He made Vicki! Ted is excited because it’ll mean more money, but apparently Joan doesn’t want to move to Massachusetts and touch clams. Priorities.

Jamie enters the kitchen and asks if he can invite Reggie over, and Joan says it’s okay. But then Jamie picks up the phone and Ted freaks out. When Jamie deservedly calls him out on it, Ted apologizes and says that waiting for the phone to ring is driving him crazy. Joan suggests that Ted work on that experiment with Vicki, and I just realized we’re two minutes into Small Wonder and there have been no robot shenanigans. That’s like the longest since the pilot. Ted makes Jamie come with him, probably so he can’t pick up the phone to call Reggie. Ted is a crazy person.

They go up to Jamie’s room and Jamie wants to know what this experiment is all about. I do, too. Where is Vicki? What have they done to her this week? Ted decided that since Vicki’s been a slave for a year, he’s going to give her her freedom and allow her to make decisions for herself. Oh, so you’re going to be a good dad now? Because I somehow don’t see that happening. Ted tells Vicki she’s on her own for 24 hours and she can do what she wants - oh, yeah, there it is. He’s going to be a good dad for a day. Vicki actually says being on her own is totally awesome. This is all the poor robot slave has ever wanted. Jamie agrees with Vicki, so she reveals she learned the word when Reggie showed Jamie a Playboy. The robot made a sex joke. Show over.

Wait, no, we’re only three minutes in and there’s like 67 episodes left. With Vicki’s newfound freedom, she goes into the kitchen and helps Joan cook. Poor slave. The phone rings and Ted answers the phone and acts like a madman. Apparently, he got the job. The new company president and his wife wants to come over, but Vicki misunderstands and thinks Ted means the Reagans. Dang, the 80s were a long time ago. Jamie comes into the kitchen wanting to know what all the yelling is about and Vicki excitedly tells him Ted got the job and swings Jamie around in a hug. It took them two minutes to get to the robot, but we still got our special effects in before the five minute mark. You’re beautiful, Small Wonder.

Jamie says he doesn’t want to move to a state that he can’t even spell and leaves, with Vicki on his tail. Ted wonders why Jamie isn’t more excited, which a small part of me gets why Ted thought Jamie would be excited. Jamie loves money. Joan says Jamie doesn’t want to leave his friends behind, and hints she doesn’t want to either. Joan, you don’t have friends. The Brindles don’t count; you hate them. Ted reveals he pretty much has to take the job, and Joan sadly understands.

Oh my gosh, 80s special effects. You think you could light them better. Jamie says he has never felt so low, so Vicki picks him up in the chair. We’re still less than six minutes in. This episode is packing in a lot. Jamie tells Vicki to put him down, but she says she doesn’t have to because she’s on her own. Jamie threatens to rewire her ears so she’ll hear through her nose and she puts him down. Aww, they really are real siblings now. Harriet conveniently pops up in the window right after Vicki put Jamie down - imagine if she’d been five seconds earlier? We would have gotten a flimsy excuse, but that’s so season 1. Jamie tells Harriet what’s going on, and Harriet is upset that the wedding’s off. She compares them to Romeo and Juliet and just drops the word consummated. Vicki wants to know what the word means, but Harriet admits she doesn’t know and that she heard it on Dallas. Oh my gosh, a sex joke where neither party knows it’s a sex joke. Show over.

No, no, there’s still more. Dang it. Joan comes up to talk to Jamie, and Harriet wants to listen in. Vicki closes the shade on her. Vicki really did pick up on a lot in the past year. Then Vicki decides to leave the room. Joan asks her where she’s going, and Vicki says she doesn’t know. Wow, the robot has learned boredom. Jamie tells Joan he doesn’t want to move, and when Joan tries to talk to him about it, and Jamie calls her out on the fact she doesn’t want to move, either. But they do agree to do it for Ted, even if it makes them miserable.

When Vicki gets downstairs, Ted tells her to make coffee. Well, so much for giving the girl a full day. Vicki says no, so Ted threatens to dismantle her. Vicki suddenly decides that she wants to make coffee. Joan and Jamie come down and tell Ted they’re not happy about moving, but they will for him. Ted does the only selfless thing in his life and says they won’t move if it makes the family that miserable. Joan insists that they’re going, and Joan and Jamie feign an interest in winter. They’re still super unhappy but Ted is excited.

Reggie and Jamie are hanging out in Jamie’s room and Reggie says he’ll miss Jamie. You know, I’m really glad that they managed to fit Reggie into the second act after mentioning him before they even showed the robot. Vicki comes up with a snack for the boys that she made herself, but then she throws them at Reggie. What did he do? Jamie decides to give Reggie a souvenir to remember him by, and Reggie takes Jamie’s surfboard.

Joan is making hors deourves... hors d’eourves... little weenies for their guests and Ted freaks out about it. He wants everything to go perfect, and swears Joan will love the new bosses more than Brandon Brindle. Oh, a knock at the back door. I wonder who that could be? Brandon Brindle, of course. This episode is cramming the most people into it, I swear. Brandon is really upset that Ted is leaving. He gets even more upset when he finds out that Ted is moving up in the world. Brandon Brindle is a great friend.

The Lawsons are all dressed up for their company. Well, Ted, Joan, and Jamie. Where is Vicki? I am asking that question too much for Small Wonder. Jamie reveals he put Vicki in the cabinet, but she can do what she wants so that’s not going to go well. The guests arrive and one of the first things they mention is that they expect Jamie to go to military school. Jamie excuses himself to do homework. The guests insult the house, and Joan is upset because she and Ted designed it themselves. But of course Ted is sucking up.

So Vicki decides right now is the best time to vacuum. I guess vacuum before the guests arrive is not in her memory banks. Ted tells Vicki to go to her room but she says no, so he carries her off to the kitchen. The guests are surprised by Vicki’s appearance, and Joan says Vicki is their adopted daughter. The guests are shocked anyone would take in a stranger’s child and Joan just cannot take any more of them. Joan was the first one to truly love Vicki, so yeah, I can see why she’s insulted.

Joan tells Ted he can take his new job and suck it, but Ted begs her to just go along with it. Then he threatens to turn Vicki into a blender. You couldn’t even be a good dad for one day, Ted. Ted and Joan return to the guests, and Brandon comes over and introduces himself. Vicki comes in and Reggie has come over to see Jamie. He apologizes for not knowing that there were guests, and Vicki insults them. Ted sends Reggie to Jamie’s room and tells him to take Vicki, too. The guests are totally racist. They totally insult Reggie. Ted has finally had enough and lays into them, and somehow defends Brandon. Things have taken a weird turn. And then Joan is super excited Ted is finally saying what everyone is thinking. Insult Vicki, it’s cool, but Reggie and Brandon each have a Y-chromosome and we just can’t have that in the home of an alpha male. Ted kicks the guests out.

Brandon thanks Ted for defending him and says he’ll repay the favor some day - just not right now. Then Vicki comes downstairs and decides she’s going to play football in the house and she breaks the window. The end.

This episode was okay. I mean, we see how much Ted is willing to sell out for, but he won’t put up with bigotry or the insulting of friends. But the Vicki being on her own plot was weird and felt like it was there because they forgot to write an episode of Small Wonder with the robot in it. It’s not a memorable episode, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. There are episodes I remember that I wish I could forget.