Season 2, Episode 4: Who's The Boss?

It's my birthday! And this is how much I love you guys. Guys, we are reaching new levels of bad. Like, not fun, quirky Small Wonder bad. Not early 90s slang bad. Bad. Just... let’s get to it.

We start with Vicki and Jamie watching TV, and at first it sounds like a nature documentary but then it has dramatic music so I’m confused. Jamie turns off the TV and says he’ll never outgrow jungle pictures and does a Tarzan yell. Vicki mimics him and of course is better. Also, what’s the point of calling it a jungle picture and then making it super obvious it’s Tarzan? That call has to be way more copyrighted than the title, you know? Joan comes down and decides the living room is a mess and tells Jamie to clean it up. Jamie tries to get Vicki to do it, but Joan tells him to do it himself and learn some responsibility. If only he had parental role models to teach him that just because you have a robot slave doesn’t mean you have to use it. Joan. He learned it by watching you.

Ted comes down in a sombrero and... I just can’t describe it. This whole thing screams “Mexico” for all of the wrong reasons. Ted is super excited because the family is going on a Mexican cruise the next weekend. Yeah, that’s not happening. We haven’t gotten further than scenic that time you went to the woods. Mexico is not happening. Joan points out that they can’t go on the cruise unless someone cancels, but Ted gets her excited for it anyway.

Jamie finishes cleaning and wants to play basketball, but Ted has more chores for Jamie to do. Man, Joan and Ted are super allergic to work. Jamie asks what the parents do if he does all the work, and Joan starts with cook and clean. Liar. You haven’t done that in over a year. But then they do start to list legitimate stuff and Jamie gets the point. Ted and Joan leave to go shopping and they tell Jamie to have everything done - and if a Mr. Willis calls to tell him to hold the cabin and they’ll be back by four. That was some Vicki specific language, so I expect something to go wrong. Once the parents leave, Jamie and Vicki go to play basketball.

Jamie tries to spin a basketball on his finger, and Vicki shows him she can do it. She can do it on her head, too. Then Reggie comes over and tells Jamie that when he stays over the next weekend that his dad got them tickets to see Bruce Springsteen. Then when Reggie leaves, Harriet comes over and asks when Jamie is going to pick her up for the concert. He says never because he’s still resisting the chemistry. Jamie and Harriet forever, y’all. Harriet starts asking for souvenirs as the phone rings and I know this will go horribly. Mr. Willis calls and says that his parents should call him back by 1:00 at the latest. I know Jamie will get blamed for that, but how is it his fault that the agent gave him a time limit?

Joan and Ted come home and none of Jamie’s chores have been done, and Jamie isn’t even at home. He left a message on Vicki saying that he went to hang out at Reggie’s. Ted threatens to spank Jamie when he gets home, and Vicki mentions the Bruce Springsteen concert and the parents don’t think he’s old enough to go. When Jamie gets home, though, they end up agreeing. Joan says if they get lucky with the travel agent then they’ll all have a good weekend, and that’s when Jamie remembers to give them the message. I would have kept my mouth shut if it was already after 1, because doing the responsible thing always gets punished in Sitcomland. Ted and Joan are angry at Jamie, but that’s not his fault! Ted grounds Jamie and he throws a legitimate temper tantrum. Ted sends Jamie out to do his chores, and then throws a legitimate temper tantrum over not going to Mexico.

That night, Jamie complains that everyone is always telling him what to do, and Vicki points out everyone is always telling her what to do. Jamie says that’s because she’s a robot, so he wishes his parents were robots, too. Then we end up in a dream sequence! Why, Vicki’s cabinet seems to have grown. Jamie opens it up to reveal his entire family is robots! Oh, sitcom wackiness at it’s finest.

The thing I hate about Small Wonder is sometimes, for commercial breaks, they repeat what just happened when they come back. Commercial breaks were shorter in the 80s - how short do you think my memory is? I won’t remember the set up from two minutes ago? And people tuning in half way through an episode are already lost. And I know it was the exact same footage because the same guy was laughing like this was the first joke he'd ever been subjected to in his life and he had to make up for lost time. Also, with all the special effects, how did Small Wonder have a studio audience? I know Sabrina had canned laughter for that exact same reason.

So after the repeat set up, the robots are on the couch watching television. Vicki says she’ll never outgrow those jungle pictures, and Joanbot and Tedbot agree. Then all three robots do the Tarzan call. Guys, how much filler can one episode have? That entire first act was filler, you know. Then Jamie comes down copying Ted’s Mexican thing. Apparently, Jamie is excited for a Mexican singles cruise - guys, why? Why can’t this show just be normal bad? The robots decide to go play basketball, but Jamie makes them do chores first. The robots are upset that everyone tells them what to do. Jamie decides to leave and tells the robots if the travel agent calls to tell him that Jamie’ll be home by four. This is the worst set-up for an Aesop ever. I took Jamie’s side and everything. This might be my second least favorite episode. Then Tedbot asks for chocolate microchip ice cream. Groan.

The robots are all spinning basketballs on their fingers in the backyard when Reggie comes over. I hate this episode. Reggie invites them all to a Lawrence Welk concert. The robots get excited. This episode is making me sleepy. If my review ends abruptly, I fell asleep. This episode literally has no point. Then when Reggie leaves, Harriet comes over and asks when they’re picking her up for the concert. They say never because this is Jamie’s dream, and Jamie dreams of stuff that already happened. Then the phone rings, and Harriet asks for souvenirs. Wow.

Jamie comes home and the robots didn’t do any of the chores. Tedbot and Joanbot left, but they left a message on Vicki - they went to Reggie’s house to hang out. Vicki mentions the Lawrence Welk concert, but Jamie doesn’t think he wants them to go. Jamie agrees to let them go, but then the robots reveal that he missed out on his cruise, so they don’t get to go to their concert. Then the electricity and the phone stops working, and then Tedbot reveals that the mortgage hasn’t been paid either, and the whole thing turns into a nightmare except I’m still watching this episode.

Ted and Joan wake up Jamie and he tells them about his dream. Jamie tells his parents he appreciates them, then they check on Vicki in the cabinet, and then the episode is over. No, I didn’t fall asleep, that is just how they ended it. End credits and everything.

There were special effects this week, but it was that tired about face thing I’ve already mentioned like 9000 times because once you find one gag you think is funny you don’t try anything else. It’s only worth mentioning now because Joan and Ted got in on it in Jamie’s dream, but - bleh.

So this episode was completely awful. No redeeming qualities at all. Well, except this is going to be the new cover on the Facebook page:

Let’s hope for better next week.