Season 2, Episode 11: You Gotta Have Heart

Finally, another episode this season I actually remember! And one I remember first run, even. Because Vicki and Harriet are adorable besties. Anyway, let’s just get right to it.

So, we start with the Lawson family watching The Wizard of Oz together. Oh, that reminds me so much of childhood. My family used to watch The Wizard of Oz together every year. Ted and Joan go on about how amazing the movie is, but that’s just filler conversation because everyone knows how amazing that movie is. Then they have that Vicki fake cry effect when she mimics Joan where she literally has tears coming out of her eyebrows. I hate that effect. We already know Vicki can cry real tears, so why not just do that? It would look better.

Jamie’s hair is weird. Anyway, Jamie says that he likes the Wicked Witch best, and I’m not really surprised. Vicki mimics the Wicked Witch and dang I’m just noticing she has a bracelet. I have never seen that before and I’m pretty sure we will never see it again. Joan says her favorite is Tin Man and mentions he got a heart, and Vicki asks what a heart is. Wizard of Oz is a three hour movie, how is this the first time Vicki is questioning this? During the “If I Only Had a Heart” sequence seems like the optimal time for that question, but any other time they brought it up in the following two hours is also reasonable. This is just lame set up. Joan says it’s where people store their love, and Vicki asks if she has one. D’aww. Ted says no, but thinks the premise is interesting, because if he could give a robot a heart, he’d win the Nobel Prize. Aww, guys, we’re witnessing the conception of LES! Season 3, please don’t be late.

Vicki says she’s not programmed to know about people storing love in their heart, and asks what love is. Oh my gosh, this episode of Small Wonder is the one that made me start asking the big questions about robots. You guys can’t know how big that is, but it’s big. Apparently humans don’t know what love is, either, because Joan starts quoting movies and Jamie relates some story I’m 91% sure is about Jessica. Then Jamie says love is stupid. For some reason, that reminds Joan that people show affection by giving gifts, and one of the gifts is Ted gave Joan a heart shaped necklace I’ve never seen before and given what this whole episode is about so far, it’s a set up. Then they tell Vicki they gave her her bracelet because they love her. Vicki says Jamie didn’t give her anything, so he doesn’t love her, and she says it as sad as monotone gets. Also, great lesson, guys. Jamie gives Vicki gum, but she’s not impressed.

We cut to Jamie doing pull ups in the backyard, and guys, this is consistency. Jamie is into fitness. Well, actually, he only does one but it’s an improvement. Good for you, Jamie! But Vicki is a little show off and does countless pull ups because no muscle strain. Jamie goes back on the bars to try again, but then Harriet comes over. Jamie decides he’s done and goes inside, leaving Vicki and Harriet alone. Fun!

Vicki gives Harriet her bracelet. Harriet wants to know how much, and man, nobody loves Harriet. Vicki says she’s giving it to her because she loves her. Aww! They are going to be the best sister-in-laws one day. Harriet still doesn’t believe, but then Vicki gives Harriet her shoes. Harriet and Vicki officially become best friends. Harriet is glad because when they’re old they’ll buy a condo in Miami like the Golden Girls and treat men like playthings - a life goal I myself hold to this day. Vicki and Harriet go to the Brindle's to play.

Small Wonder doesn’t just use badly timed transitions, but they use transitions like they just discovered editing. They flip cut to Joan in the kitchen and Bonnie Brindle comes over. Oh my gosh, Bonnie Brindle! She hasn’t been in an episode all season, just mentioned. I’m so happy to see her! Bonnie baked cookies, but she uses lima beans and lard so Joan isn’t impressed. Bonnie is thrilled Vicki and Harriet are BFFs, and Bonnie decides Joan should be her BFF and they’ll be like Kate and Allie. Pop culture overload.

Vicki and Harriet come in through the kitchen and they’re wearing each other’s clothes - right down to the hairstyles! Vicki gives Bonnie a potholder. Aww, Vicki is so loving! Ted comes into the kitchen and is amused by Vicki and Harriet’s friendship. Yay, it’s a Ted is a good dad episode! Sure, he’s a fun serial killer abusive inventor, but when he’s a good dad, my heart feels warm and cozy like hot chocolate by the fireplace on Christmas. Vicki and Harriet leave, and Joan explains Vicki and Harriet are BFFs, and Bonnie reveals she and Joan are BFFs, too. Joan is giving a look like “I never agreed to that,” but Joan, you don’t have friends. Take the offer. Then Bonnie declares Ted is also her close friend and then drops a “I’m in crisis” bomb on them. I love you, Bonnie Brindle. You Brindle Swindled yourself two friends and made it all about you in record time.

Bonnie acts like she doesn’t want to talk about it, but then in less than ten seconds says she wants to talk about killing her husband. Um, wow, Ted has rubbed off on you. He wants to kill Brandon all the time. You guys should start a club. Brandon is apparently jealous and thinks men are after Bonnie. I feel like something is slightly off, but I can see Brandon being jealous, yeah. That part adds up. Ted offers to help out, so Bonnie Brindle Swindled her and Harriet staying with the Lawsons. Bonnie Brindle, please adopt me. My mom might say “no-nono-no-nono-no-no-no,” but I’m 32 and I make those decisions.

We come back from a commercial break and Bonnie is unpacking. Ted wants to know how long she’s staying, and Bonnie says until she gets a good divorce lawyer. Ted and Joan try to talk her out of it, but Bonnie’s mind is made up. Ted asks Bonnie if she loves Brandon, and she says she shows it by tying his pants in knots in the middle of the night. Bonnie, seriously, I’ll make Harriet a great little sister. The Lawsons manage to reverse Brindle Swindle Bonnie and convince her to go back to Brandon.

We cut to Jamie’s room. Vicki is packing up a duffel bag and Harriet wants to play a game called Secrets because BFFs always share secrets. Jamie is right there on the bed watching, so Harriet really doesn’t know what a secret is. Jamie then admits he’s insanely in love with Harriet. Then he covers it up by saying he’s insane. Jamie-Jamie-Jame, never be ashamed of your feelings. It’s okay. Everyone knows you love Harriet. Jamie suggests playing hide and seek, but Harriet said last time they played that she didn’t see him for three days. Dang, Jamie, that’s cold. Jamie reverse Brindle Swindles Harriet by saying he’ll kiss her on the cheek when he finds her - Harriet, he’s not even going to look. Harriet agrees anyway, and tells him she’ll be in the hall closet.

Jamie tells Vicki that if she keeps giving Harriet things they’ll never get rid of her, and that Harriet is taking advantage of Vicki. Jamie, why are you trying to separate Vicki and her best friend? So Jamie decides he’ll program Vicki to be like Harriet. Jamie, that’s happened before, remember? Your dad ended up disassembling Vicki because you and Joan got peeved.

We jump down to the kitchen and Ted and Joan are real glad they got Bonnie to go back to Brandon. I know! Reverse Brindle Swindles are not that easy to pull off. Then Brandon barges in with a suitcase. Damn, that is some advanced Brindle Swindling - skip the schmoozing, go to the doing. Brandon thinks Bonnie is jealous - and yeah, I can see that. But Brandon is way more upset than Bonnie was. Maybe a divorce is what they need. Harriet could have two Christmases. Plus, it’s Bonnie’s last season anyway, so what’s the point, you know? Brandon then admits that he shows Bonnie love by rearranging the furniture so that when she sits, she misses the chair. Harriet has not got a chance. Ted and Joan manage another reverse Brindle Swindle and get Brandon to go home. Oh my gosh, the Lawsons are on top of their game tonight. But I guess it’s easier when it’s two Lawsons against one Brindle. Brandon hugs Joan in gratitude. This is sweet.

Oh, wait, no it’s not because Bonnie comes over and assumes there’s something going on between her husband and best friend. Really? In front of your best friend’s husband? What do you think the Lawsons are into? Bonnie takes off, but Brandon goes after her. I think these two kids are going to be okay.

We jump back up to Jamie’s room and he’s just finished programming Vicki. This is hurting my heart, Jamie. Don’t take your sister’s love. Harriet comes back into the room, wondering where those guys went. Then Harriet decides she doesn’t want to play anymore, and takes the duffel Vicki packed. Vicki stops her and she wants everything back. Harriet ends the friendship and leaves. Then when Jamie decides to celebrate Vicki’s loss, she decides she wants what she gave Jamie, back, too. Yeah, at least with Jamie, he’ll still be her brother. Jamie says later, but then Vicki attacks him.

Ted and Joan run up to the room and they demand an explanation, especially because Harriet left upset. Yeah, I can imagine they don’t want the Brindles coming back over. Ted tells Vicki that Jamie steered her wrong because you can’t be selfish and have love in your heart. Vicki becomes confused and upset because now she has no friends and no heart. Jamie admits that he was wrong, so Vicki asks if she can have a heart like the Tin Man. Ted apologetically says no, and Vicki borderline cries because she wants a heart. Vix, you’ve had one all along. When Ted says he doesn’t know what to do, Joan gives Vicki her heart necklace. Vicki likes her heart and it makes her happy. The End.

That episode was sweet. I don’t know what else to say. It wasn’t Emmy-award winning or anything, but it was cute.