The robot’s already had a love story, so I guess it’s big
brother’s turn. Even though he just
hated girls. Seriously, did Jamie hit
puberty overnight? Anyway, this is the
episode that introduces Jessica, which is a character I love to hate. She is just such a bitch. There was some real missed opportunity in
turning her and Vanessa into Mean Girls before there was a Mean Girls. They could have
been Heathers before Heathers. So much wasted opportunity. All Jessica does is make women everywhere
look awful. Well, you’ll see. I better get to it.
The episode starts off at Jamie’s school, which is the
first time we’ve ever seen it. In fact,
I’m pretty sure this is only the fourth or fifth time we’ve been outside the
Lawson home at all. It’s apparently
after school, and Harriet wants Jamie to walk her home. Jamie’s like, “Bitch, don’t talk to me, sixth
graders don’t hang out with fourth graders.”
So Harriet is a year younger than Vicki.
Anyway, Harriet kisses Jamie on the cheek before running off, because
she knows it’s exactly the right thing to do to embarrass him.
Reggie tells Jamie that he can’t play basketball with him
because he’s walking a girl home, and Jamie still acts like girls have
cooties. Wow, Jamie’s going to go
through instant puberty in this episode.
That’s insane. Sitcoms are
insane.
Anyway, this tomboy Phyllis
comes up to Reggie and Jamie and asks what’s up. Jamie’s like, “Reggie’s ditching me” and
Phyllis offers to play with him, and Jamie’s like, “You’re cool and shit,
Phyllis, but you’re missing a Y-chromosome and my dad’s always telling me how
important that is.” Phyllis obviously
gets offended and takes off, and Jamie actually says, “Girls. What a dumb sex they turned out to be.” I’m glad I was exposed to such misogyny while
I was a developing toddler. Freaking
Jamie. I bet it’s his fault I was always
trying to beat up my little brother. Or
the terrible twos, but I’d really like to blame Jamie. Reggie admits he felt the same way about
girls when he was Jamie’s age, and Jamie’s like, “You’re only a month older,”
and Reggie’s like, “Yeah, but I’m having an amazing sitcom puberty.”
Was that outfit ever cute? I was a born fashionista but I guess I just
hate yellow, and it’s even worse when you’re blonde. It just makes you look like you have
jaundice. Anyway, Jamie takes one look
at Saffron and he decides he’s just mad about her. Reggie notices that Jamie’s gone through
insta-puberty and mentions that the girl’s name is Jessica. Then he takes off because he remembers that
he’s already got a girl to make out with.
Two boys conveniently run by and knock Jessica on her
ass, and Jamie plays White Knight. Oh my
god, what is up with her feet? She’s
some hot chick and she doesn’t know how to accessorize. Ridiculous.
Anyway, Jessica’s immediately turned on by Jamie and asks for his
name. Wait, what? I remember Jessica hating Jamie. I’m confused.
Anyway, Jamie can’t remember his name, and Jessica calls him out on
it. Jamie remembers his name and Jessica
congratulates him, clearly over him.
Then she pulls out the sympathy card and is like, “Those boys fucked up
my leg!” She’s making that up. Anyway, it’s only a bruise, but Jamie asks
if she wants a Band-Aid, and she says yes in French because Jessica does snobby
shit like that all the time. So he gives
her a used one from his own body. Oh,
Jamie. Way to try to give someone a
blood disease. Jessica calls him out on
his bullshit. Jamie is just so klutzy
around her that he scares Jessica off.
He’s better off without her, but he doesn’t know that yet.
We finally get to the Lawson home, and Joan is showing
off the improvement she made to Vicki’s pinafore. It is pretty cute. Of course, Ted doesn’t even notice. Joan tells Vicki to model the pinafore off
the way that she showed her, and it’s pretty adorable. Even Ted agrees, but then insinuates that
Vicki’s not hot enough. Like, the fuck
dude. Would it kill you to love the daughter
you built?
Jamie comes home, and he’s clearly a zombie. His parents get ready to put him down because
that’s what you do with zombies, but they soon realize that Jamie is in
love. Joan’s like, “You didn’t like
girls this morning” and Jamie’s like, “Jessica and her knee gave me
insta-puberty.” Jamie admits how he
scared her off by being a klutz, but Ted is like, “Whatever, invite her to
lunch and apologize. You’re alpha like
me.” Then he falls on his ass. I’m always happy when Ted gets instant comeuppance.
Joan agrees to make Jamie a special lunch to share with
Jessica. Jamie decides that he should be
like Cary Grant and tries out he’ll say to Jessica. He asks Vicki what she thinks and she says, “You
are a total klutz.” Sorry, Jamie, Vix
calls ‘em like she sees ‘em.
As Joan is making lunch, she realizes the tomatoes are
spoiled. Of course, they’re in the same
kind of brown bag that one would put a lunch in. That’s not going to backfire at all. Ted enters the kitchen and goes on about how
great it is that Jamie’s finally becoming a true alpha and then decides to tell
his wife about the time he was in love with a chick named Barbara. Apparently, he was dating Barbara the same
time he was dating Joan, and he treated Barbara better and even bought her
steak while Joan got hamburgers. Joan is
understandably pissed, and Vicki realizes she can’t trust men. Joan is glad that Vicki learned something
positive. She also makes Ted make his
own breakfast. That’s what you get,
Cheater McLawson!
Jamie finds Jessica at lunch and asks her to share. She’s like, “Um, I can feed myself,” but
Jamie says it’s a special lunch made just for her, and Jessica gets so excited
she speaks French again. Look, the only
person who can pull off the random French phrase diva thing is Miss Piggy, and
you’re not cool enough to be Miss Piggy, Jessica. Jamie makes Jessica laugh, and she decides a
sense of humor is more important than being a jerkass. Of course, it turns out to be the bag of
rotten tomatoes. She smashes one in
Jamie’s face and it’s amazing. It’s not
his fault, but it’s still funny. I may
not like Jessica, but I’m not a Jamie fan, either.
There is a serious lack of Vicki in this episode. Anyway, Jamie complains to Reggie and Reggie
is like, “Can we have this conversation after you have a shower?” Reggie is like, “Look, I’m the token black
guy, so I’m obviously a pimp, so take love advice from me.” I’m not even exaggerating that much. He brags about having three girlfriends. He tells Jamie to stay cool, so of course
Jamie can’t pull it off. So Jamie says
he’s having a party for Jessica, and she forgives him. So he has to pull a party out of his ass in
one day. Phyllis overhears Jamie is
having a party, and Jamie’s like, “You hate parties,” but she’s like, “Just
because I’m a tomboy doesn’t mean I’m not a girl. Invite me, bitch.” It is so obvious that she’s into Jamie. Anyway, Jamie invites her, and she’s like, “Fuck
you, parties suck.”
Joan is teaching Vicki how to water the plants in the
garden, and Ted comes home to give Joan a present. It’s steak.
They start making out, and Jamie comes home and calls him out on
it. Jamie tells them about the rotten
tomatoes, and Joan feels so bad about it she decides Jamie can have his party. Ted gets all excited and says Vicki can
mingle with the other kids at the party.
Wait, what the fuck? He’s tried
to hide her away this whole time and now he wants her to meet other kids? Body snatchers!
The party is apparently awesome. I really don’t know how to judge it. Jamie drowns himself in cologne and everyone
knows. Harriet’s like, “You smell bad,
let’s dance anyway.” Jessica shows up,
but she brings another date. Jamie gets
pissed off and abandons his own party to talk shit about Jessica behind her
back. She deserves it. His parents are like, “This sucks, but you
have to have a good party for your friends.
There’ll be other Jessicas.” And
Jamie’s like, “Fuck this, I’m going to be a monk.”
Anyway, one more guest shows up to the party, but Jamie
can’t recognize her. It’s Phyllis! She changed her mind, and when she’s dressed up
he realizes he likes her. Jessica asks
Jamie to dance, and Jamie’s like, “Fuck off, I’m going to teach Phyllis how to
dance.” Reggie shows how pimp he is and
asks Joan to dance and she agrees.
Harriet comes over to ask Ted to dance but Vicki’s like, “Fuck off, we
get along this week!” And then Ted and
Vicki dance and it’s cute. Episode over.
Jessica sucks, so we’ll see her a lot. Phyllis is cool, so we’ll never see her
again. In fact, the actress who played
her never appeared in anything ever again.
Firsts: Jessica, Jamie likes girls, Ted wants Vicki to be
a kid, the school
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