(Because of mis-labeling, I originally thought this episode was The Company Takeover, which you need to know for the first paragraph to make sense.)
I am so confused right now. So the 19th produced episode is a
half hour sex joke – but it’s not the next episode. Or the one after that. They hid it somewhere. This one is about some company takeover, and
is the 20th episode produced.
Anyway, whatever, let’s get to this out of order episode that’s
confusing me.
Vicki, Reggie, and Jamie are waiting for the other club
members to show up at the clubhouse.
Jamie asks if Reggie told the others, and he said he stuck a note in
their lockers that said 4 o’clock sharp.
Then Jamie asks if Reggie specified that day, and Reggie facepalms and
is like, “I knew I forgot something!”
Look, unless Reggie specifically said next Thursday or something like
that, the other club members are pretty stupid if they couldn’t infer he meant
that day. Jamie has Vicki read the
minutes and now I’m confused about an episode ago when Harriet became the
only girl member for painting the clubhouse, but then I remembered Vicki beat
up a bully and continuity on this show sucks.
Vicki reads the minutes of the last meeting, which was cut short by
everyone running away when they didn’t want to pay their dues. You know, I would start using Vicki as muscle
because not paying agreed upon dues is bullshit.
Reggie has to leave early and reveals his mother is
pregnant, and you know what, I was right the first time. This is the half hour sex joke episode. Why the hell are they titled wrong? This is why I haven’t been using videos to
tell me episode titles. Anyway, Vicki
tells Jamie she knows how babies are made and she comes up with this story that
involves bees and a stork. It would be
adorable if it weren’t a blatant misuse of technology. It turns out Ted told Vicki that, and Jamie
and Reggie are afraid that Ted really believes it and Jamie figures he should
give his dad the talk. Um, Jamie, you’re
not an adopted android. I think he
figured it out.
Harriet comes over and the boys take off, leaving Harriet
and Vicki. Vicki and Harriet start
talking about babies, and women’s lib Harriet isn’t allowed to say
pregnant. What the fuck fucked up morals
are they teaching at the Brindles household?
They have some things right.
Fucked up things can happen to kids and it’s better to investigate and
be wrong. Women have rights. But not being able to say pregnant? It’s 1986, not 1956. Anyway, Vicki assures Harriet you can’t get
pregnant from talking and then proceeds to tell her the bee and stork story. I’m aware it’s a birds and bees story, but I
don’t want to say it. Harriet likes Vicki’s
story better than the one where the girl at school told her you get pregnant
from kissing. Vicki points out Joan and
Ted kiss all the time and Joan isn’t pregnant.
Joan and Ted have sex all the time and Joan isn’t pregnant. Birth control, people.
I’m taking a sidebar.
I can’t ever remember not knowing where babies come from. I’m less than three years older than my
youngest brother. In fact, my mom had
just had one baby just weeks before the series came out, and was pregnant at
the time this episode came out. I
didn’t know about sex, but I knew the stork was bullshit and that mom and dad
were both involved. I even knew about
birth control pretty young, as I told my kindergarten class that my mom took a
pill because she didn’t want any more babies.
I was four and a half and precious.
Anyway, back to the episode.
Joan teaches Vicki to knit in the kitchen. I’m sure there’s a reason, but I don’t know
what it is. Ted comes home and kisses
Joan and Vicki immediately says, “You can’t get pregnant that way.” Ted questions if Vicki has been watching Dr.
Ruth. God, please, yes. If you can’t be honest with your kids, let
them watch Dr. Ruth. Dr. Ruth was in my
sex ed video when I was 11 and I love her.
I’m digressing. Ted reveals he
wants to move because Brandon is an insufferable boss. Then he randomly licks from a pot, and it
turns out Joan is dying clothes in there.
He deserves that. Joan asks Ted
why he doesn’t find a way to stand up to Brandon, and Vicki pretty much calls
Ted a dumbass. Then Ted sends Vicki to
her cabinet and she seriously says, “Go to my cabinet, go to my cabinet, that’s
what you always say when you can’t think of something better.” Holy shit, my smartass Vicki is
back! I missed her, y’all. Once Vicki’s out of the room, Ted thinks it’s
time to spank Vicki. Good luck not
breaking your hand.
Brandon comes over to bitch about Vicki telling Harriet
about where babies come from, and it’s clear he’s super repressed. He has to spell out the word sex. Like, fuck, how did he have Harriet? Brandon does say he’s going to do the
responsible thing and tell Harriet about sex, but he’s super upset that he has
to have this talk while she’s 8. Again,
I knew about birth control when I was 4 and a half, and you can’t pull different
times bullshit because it was still the 80s.
When Brandon leaves, Joan is concerned about where Vicki learned bad sex
lessons from, and Ted has to own up about it being him. Joan is like, “How did you even have Jamie?”
and Ted clarified that as a ten year old kid, Vicki should know something, so
he programmed her with what he thought when he was ten. When you think of it that way, it’s not so
bad… but dammit, you still have to tell her the truth at some point.
Jamie enters and tells Ted that they have to talk and
they go into the living room. Jamie puts
his dad on the spot and asks him where babies come from, and Ted freaks out and
goes with the bee and stork story. Oh,
Jamie, please. Please tell your father
where babies really come from. He
deserves it at this point. Ted rushes
off, and Jamie even wonders how the hell they had Jamie. Ted confesses to Joan he told Jamie the same
thing he told Vicki and Joan was like, “stop it.” Then she told him to go pick up a book from
the library so that he can tell the kids about sex and keep it age appropriate.
Jamie and Reggie are talking in the clubhouse, and Jamie
informs Reggie that Ted really is an idiot.
Reggie comforts Jamie by saying that Ted is probably so old he simply
forgot where babies come from. Reggie is
a true friend. Jamie’s worried that Ted
won’t believe an 11 year old when he tells him the truth. Reggie says he has books about this kind of
thing, and Jamie guesses Playboy and Penthouse.
Oh, I laughed, but my soul died with that joke. I knew about where babies came from when I
was little, but I was so ignorant about porn when I was 11. Reggie was like, “No, I have good parents.” It turns out Reggie has an older brother that
told him how it all works anyway. Then
Jamie comes up with a plan to program Vicki with the truth so she can tell Ted,
but he’s an idiot and actually uses the word program. Multiple times. In front of Reggie. Reggie asks about it, and Jamie uses the
whole “Vicki’s into computer stuff” excuse.
That excuse is super lame to begin with, but it’s worse when she’s not
even there. Either way, Reggie supports
Jamie’s decision.
Ted comes home and is super pissed at Brandon, who moved
him from a nice office to one smaller than a closet. Then they discuss the books from the library,
and Ted is still amazed. One of the
books was a pop-up book and it surprised him, so he screamed and they kicked
him out of the library. Pop-up sex book
for kids. Please, I want this to be
real. Then Ted decides to write an angry
letter to Brandon. Sidebar: what grown
up adult person writes a letter to someone else in pencil? Ink that shit up.
Vicki is knitting socks that are for Ted, but the one
Vicki finished is super large. Ted comes
home from work and says he mailed the letter to Brandon, but wishes he could
take it back because they’re re-decorating his real office as a fifth
anniversary surprise. There wasn’t
enough wackiness with the half hour sex joke, they had to throw this in,
too? A lot of episodes have nothing in
them, and this one is jam packed full of stupid. Ted wants to get the letter out of the box,
but fast, and Vicki, trying to be a good daughter for once, steals the
mailbox. The letter was already picked
up.
Jamie frees Vicki from her cabinet and says they have a
lot of work to do, but Jamie starts off by demanding Vicki clean his room and
pick up his clothes. Vicki says no, and
Jamie is like, “Robot bitch, do we have to have this slave master talk again?”
and Vicki is like, “Mom loves me so she told me to tell you to fuck off.” I super love Joan. Jamie gives up on that and teaches Vicki
where babies come from so that she can tell Ted the truth.
The mail comes, and Ted figures that Brandon got the
letter. Brandon did get the letter, but
Ted forgot to sign it, so while Brandon is super pissed, he doesn’t know it’s from Ted. Brandon asks Ted if he knows who
wrote the letter, and Ted blows him off and rips up the letter. Ted got really lucky, and that bullshit
storyline is tied up nicely.
Vicki tells Ted she has to have talk and she drags him
into the living room. Vicki says he has
to learn where babies come from and she whispers it into his ear. Ted threatens to erase it from Vicki’s memory
banks, and Ted knows she learned it from Jamie.
Ted knows he doesn’t have a talk with Jamie after that. Harriet comes over to tell Vicki the real
facts of life, but Vicki is like, “I’m set for life.” Then the end freeze frame is just so super
creepy. Like, you have to see for
yourself. I don’t understand who makes
that kind of a decision.
Firsts: everyone learns the facts of life
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