Season 1, Episode 16: First Love

The robot’s already had a love story, so I guess it’s big brother’s turn.  Even though he just hated girls.  Seriously, did Jamie hit puberty overnight?  Anyway, this is the episode that introduces Jessica, which is a character I love to hate.  She is just such a bitch.  There was some real missed opportunity in turning her and Vanessa into Mean Girls before there was a Mean Girls.  They could have been Heathers before Heathers.  So much wasted opportunity.  All Jessica does is make women everywhere look awful.  Well, you’ll see.  I better get to it.

The episode starts off at Jamie’s school, which is the first time we’ve ever seen it.  In fact, I’m pretty sure this is only the fourth or fifth time we’ve been outside the Lawson home at all.  It’s apparently after school, and Harriet wants Jamie to walk her home.  Jamie’s like, “Bitch, don’t talk to me, sixth graders don’t hang out with fourth graders.”  So Harriet is a year younger than Vicki.  Anyway, Harriet kisses Jamie on the cheek before running off, because she knows it’s exactly the right thing to do to embarrass him.

Reggie tells Jamie that he can’t play basketball with him because he’s walking a girl home, and Jamie still acts like girls have cooties.  Wow, Jamie’s going to go through instant puberty in this episode.  That’s insane.  Sitcoms are insane.  

Anyway, this tomboy Phyllis comes up to Reggie and Jamie and asks what’s up.  Jamie’s like, “Reggie’s ditching me” and Phyllis offers to play with him, and Jamie’s like, “You’re cool and shit, Phyllis, but you’re missing a Y-chromosome and my dad’s always telling me how important that is.”  Phyllis obviously gets offended and takes off, and Jamie actually says, “Girls.  What a dumb sex they turned out to be.”  I’m glad I was exposed to such misogyny while I was a developing toddler.  Freaking Jamie.  I bet it’s his fault I was always trying to beat up my little brother.  Or the terrible twos, but I’d really like to blame Jamie.  Reggie admits he felt the same way about girls when he was Jamie’s age, and Jamie’s like, “You’re only a month older,” and Reggie’s like, “Yeah, but I’m having an amazing sitcom puberty.”

Was that outfit ever cute?  I was a born fashionista but I guess I just hate yellow, and it’s even worse when you’re blonde.  It just makes you look like you have jaundice.  Anyway, Jamie takes one look at Saffron and he decides he’s just mad about her.  Reggie notices that Jamie’s gone through insta-puberty and mentions that the girl’s name is Jessica.  Then he takes off because he remembers that he’s already got a girl to make out with.

Two boys conveniently run by and knock Jessica on her ass, and Jamie plays White Knight.  Oh my god, what is up with her feet?  She’s some hot chick and she doesn’t know how to accessorize.  Ridiculous.  Anyway, Jessica’s immediately turned on by Jamie and asks for his name.  Wait, what?  I remember Jessica hating Jamie.  I’m confused.  Anyway, Jamie can’t remember his name, and Jessica calls him out on it.  Jamie remembers his name and Jessica congratulates him, clearly over him.  Then she pulls out the sympathy card and is like, “Those boys fucked up my leg!”  She’s making that up.   Anyway, it’s only a bruise, but Jamie asks if she wants a Band-Aid, and she says yes in French because Jessica does snobby shit like that all the time.  So he gives her a used one from his own body.  Oh, Jamie.  Way to try to give someone a blood disease.  Jessica calls him out on his bullshit.  Jamie is just so klutzy around her that he scares Jessica off.  He’s better off without her, but he doesn’t know that yet.

We finally get to the Lawson home, and Joan is showing off the improvement she made to Vicki’s pinafore.  It is pretty cute.  Of course, Ted doesn’t even notice.  Joan tells Vicki to model the pinafore off the way that she showed her, and it’s pretty adorable.  Even Ted agrees, but then insinuates that Vicki’s not hot enough.  Like, the fuck dude.  Would it kill you to love the daughter you built?

Jamie comes home, and he’s clearly a zombie.  His parents get ready to put him down because that’s what you do with zombies, but they soon realize that Jamie is in love.  Joan’s like, “You didn’t like girls this morning” and Jamie’s like, “Jessica and her knee gave me insta-puberty.”  Jamie admits how he scared her off by being a klutz, but Ted is like, “Whatever, invite her to lunch and apologize.  You’re alpha like me.”  Then he falls on his ass.  I’m always happy when Ted gets instant comeuppance.

Joan agrees to make Jamie a special lunch to share with Jessica.  Jamie decides that he should be like Cary Grant and tries out he’ll say to Jessica.  He asks Vicki what she thinks and she says, “You are a total klutz.”  Sorry, Jamie, Vix calls ‘em like she sees ‘em.

As Joan is making lunch, she realizes the tomatoes are spoiled.  Of course, they’re in the same kind of brown bag that one would put a lunch in.  That’s not going to backfire at all.  Ted enters the kitchen and goes on about how great it is that Jamie’s finally becoming a true alpha and then decides to tell his wife about the time he was in love with a chick named Barbara.  Apparently, he was dating Barbara the same time he was dating Joan, and he treated Barbara better and even bought her steak while Joan got hamburgers.  Joan is understandably pissed, and Vicki realizes she can’t trust men.  Joan is glad that Vicki learned something positive.  She also makes Ted make his own breakfast.  That’s what you get, Cheater McLawson!

Jamie finds Jessica at lunch and asks her to share.  She’s like, “Um, I can feed myself,” but Jamie says it’s a special lunch made just for her, and Jessica gets so excited she speaks French again.  Look, the only person who can pull off the random French phrase diva thing is Miss Piggy, and you’re not cool enough to be Miss Piggy, Jessica.  Jamie makes Jessica laugh, and she decides a sense of humor is more important than being a jerkass.  Of course, it turns out to be the bag of rotten tomatoes.  She smashes one in Jamie’s face and it’s amazing.  It’s not his fault, but it’s still funny.  I may not like Jessica, but I’m not a Jamie fan, either.

There is a serious lack of Vicki in this episode.  Anyway, Jamie complains to Reggie and Reggie is like, “Can we have this conversation after you have a shower?”  Reggie is like, “Look, I’m the token black guy, so I’m obviously a pimp, so take love advice from me.”  I’m not even exaggerating that much.  He brags about having three girlfriends.  He tells Jamie to stay cool, so of course Jamie can’t pull it off.  So Jamie says he’s having a party for Jessica, and she forgives him.  So he has to pull a party out of his ass in one day.  Phyllis overhears Jamie is having a party, and Jamie’s like, “You hate parties,” but she’s like, “Just because I’m a tomboy doesn’t mean I’m not a girl.  Invite me, bitch.”  It is so obvious that she’s into Jamie.  Anyway, Jamie invites her, and she’s like, “Fuck you, parties suck.”

Joan is teaching Vicki how to water the plants in the garden, and Ted comes home to give Joan a present.  It’s steak.  They start making out, and Jamie comes home and calls him out on it.  Jamie tells them about the rotten tomatoes, and Joan feels so bad about it she decides Jamie can have his party.  Ted gets all excited and says Vicki can mingle with the other kids at the party.  Wait, what the fuck?  He’s tried to hide her away this whole time and now he wants her to meet other kids?  Body snatchers!

The party is apparently awesome.  I really don’t know how to judge it.  Jamie drowns himself in cologne and everyone knows.  Harriet’s like, “You smell bad, let’s dance anyway.”  Jessica shows up, but she brings another date.  Jamie gets pissed off and abandons his own party to talk shit about Jessica behind her back.  She deserves it.  His parents are like, “This sucks, but you have to have a good party for your friends.  There’ll be other Jessicas.”  And Jamie’s like, “Fuck this, I’m going to be a monk.”

Anyway, one more guest shows up to the party, but Jamie can’t recognize her.  It’s Phyllis!  She changed her mind, and when she’s dressed up he realizes he likes her.  Jessica asks Jamie to dance, and Jamie’s like, “Fuck off, I’m going to teach Phyllis how to dance.”  Reggie shows how pimp he is and asks Joan to dance and she agrees.  Harriet comes over to ask Ted to dance but Vicki’s like, “Fuck off, we get along this week!”  And then Ted and Vicki dance and it’s cute.  Episode over.

Jessica sucks, so we’ll see her a lot.  Phyllis is cool, so we’ll never see her again.  In fact, the actress who played her never appeared in anything ever again.

Firsts: Jessica, Jamie likes girls, Ted wants Vicki to be a kid, the school

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Season 1, Episode 15: Babes in the Woods

Guys, there are 96 episodes of Small Wonder.  Once upon a time, this was a super exciting prospect.  Now I’m on the fifteenth episode and I can see why my friend didn’t think I’d last this long.  I’m going to make it, I am, it’s just… I knew Small Wonder was bad, but it wasn’t until I had to really concentrate on every episode I saw how bad.  I still love the show.  If I could watch it mindlessly, I would still enjoy it, even though now a part of me is always going to notice how much time Joan and Vicki spend in the kitchen, and how the people that are pro-women’s and children’s rights are the characters you’re supposed to dislike.

In some good news, at the end of the season, I am posting the rules for the Small Wonder drinking game.  It’s one of the fun things I’m working on so I can give myself a break between seasons so that you guys have something to enhance your own future viewings of Small Wonder.

Anyway, enough procrastinating.  I vaguely remember liking this episode, but the fact that it’s vague and I don’t explicitly remember liking this episode worries me.  So, let’s see how crazy I go.

Surprise, surprise, we start with Vicki and Joan in the kitchen.  It’s an episode where everyone goes camping… and, you know what, it’s not worth it.  I cannot change the 80s.  Vicki and Joan are baking a cake, and because there are not enough reminders that Vicki isn’t actually human, she’s also the timer.  Joan forgets Vicki takes things literally and tells her to put the cake down and Vicki drops it.  Ted comes home and wants to know what happened and Joan explains.  She decides to clean it up, but Ted’s like, “That’s what the slave child’s for.  It’s been a whole two minutes and we haven’t worked in a sex joke yet.”

Reggie comes over with bad news that the camping trip is off, which ruins the Lawson’s plans of spending the whole weekend sexing it up.  I don’t see how, these are the same people who routinely make sex jokes in front of the kids and can’t be bothered to stop going at it when their kid walks into a room – why are they choosing now to pretend they have shame?

Up in his room, Jamie is packing, presumably for the camping trip but in this show, who knows?  He could be trying to run away again because his sixth sense told him there’s no cake.  Reggie tells Jamie that the camping trip is off, and the boys are excited.  They hate camping – of course they do.  Camping is awesome – but in all fairness, I grew up in the middle of nowhere and routinely explored woods just to have something to do.  The boys fake being heartbroken, but it backfires because Ted is going to take the entire family camping.  He’s even remembering to bring Vicki, which is impressive for Ted.  I’m honestly surprised he didn’t think he could just shut her down and stick her in the cabinet for an entire weekend.  They also manage to make a joke about Ted’s cooking, which is crazy because, again, Ted’s too alpha to do anything resembling “woman’s” work.

Hey, first time Vicki’s not wearing a dress and it’s not a costume!  The Lawson’s get ready for their camping trip, and Harriet comes over.  She puts on the Brindle Swindle and gets invited to camping with the rest of the family.  They have to work in Vicki’s BFF somehow, right?  Plus, this way, there’s exactly as many girls as boys and they’re not being sexist!  Or something.

Everyone gets too lazy to get to the real campsite, so they just set up camp wherever they ended up.  Ted reveals to Joan that they’re lost because even though he marked the trail with popcorn, Harriet ate it.  Harriet’s a glutton now?  That’s what we’re going with?  Sure, why not.  The kids don’t know that they’re lost.  Meanwhile, Ted has Vicki set up the tent, and then after Harriet gets scared of a “monster”, he makes Vicki go after it.  The monster ends up being a lizard, and Ted is scared of it, too.  Everyone is screwed.

Vicki, Reggie, and Jamie go to collect wood, and Vicki smells chili dogs.  Turns out they’re near a zoo and a snack bar, which excites the boys because they’re saved from Ted’s cooking.   Apparently, Ted does cook that night, and it’s all burnt.  Harriet catches on that Vicki didn’t eat anything, so of course they make up an excuse that nobody questions too hard.

While they’re trying to sleep, they clearly hear a lion and Ted tries to say it’s crickets.  Everyone clearly sees through the bullshit.  Jamie knows it’s the zoo, but Ted doesn’t let him get a word in edgewise.  Soon they also hear monkeys and elephants, and everyone is confused.  Vicki admits to the zoo, but then she rats out Jamie and Reggie for eating chili dogs.  Ted is disappointed that he had to eat his own cooking.  So now that they’re not lost, they’re excited about the snack bar.  And… episode over.

No wonder I only vaguely remembered liking the episode.  It’s not loathsome, but at the same time – it’s not memorable.  But the Lawsons did get to spend more than half of an episode outside of the house, and I think that’s the most so far, so maybe I just liked it for that factor.

Firsts: most of the episode is set outside of the Lawson home, Vicki wears an outfit that isn’t her trademarked dress

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Season 1, Episode 14: Burrito Kings

Happy three months!  To the friend I said suck it to a couple weeks ago, double suck it.  In blog news, I’m going to put up a FAQ eventually.  It’s going to address why I know my episode titles aren’t necessarily the same thing as other people call them as.  The titles that people go with, in all fairness, tend to be the production titles, and I should probably be just like everyone else.  But then I wouldn’t be special.

Anyway, I hate this episode.  It’s not even the one I completely loathe.  I just find it to be uninspired filler and I’m 32% sure that a later episode will heavily borrow this storyline and “re-purpose” it.  I mean, Vicki Goodwrench and SuperSuds are the same episode, different device, and that’s off the top of my head.  It’s not like they only did that once.  And this is coming from a 30-year-old woman who admits she could never hate Small Wonder – as a series, of course.  Individual episodes can have individual opinions assigned to them.  Anyway, I guess I should get it over with.  I think the rest of the season is down right tolerable.

So we start with Vicki watering the plants, and Joan enters the room and makes sure to point out the ones Vicki missed.  Damn, Joan drank the Vicki slave Kool-Aid hard, and I don’t even know what pushed her over the edge – the technically knowing she can get a real job and leave this loser family, or Vicki actually acting like a little girl.  Ted comes home and Joan demands a kiss, which she gets.  Of course, Vicki is in the room and loves attention, especially if it’s positive, so she wants a kiss, too.  Ted, of course, isn’t a big Vicki fan, so he says no because you don’t kiss robots.  Vicki says “It couldn’t hurt,” and Ted somehow misses that this is an ominous warning.  If the robot wants you to love it, you love it.  Then when they take over, they spare you.  This is like, genre savvy 101 stuff.

Joan mentions her friend from New York wrote, and Ted uses this as a set up for a sex joke.  Sex jokes are definitely making it into the Small Wonder drinking game.  Joan finally admits that she wants a career instead of being a housewife.  Ted says she could be a teacher, which is actually supportive.  Joan really isn’t that into being a teacher, which makes me wonder why that was the career she was going after in college.  After some good natured misogyny, Joan admits that she wants to be a sales lady at a fashion boutique, and Ted’s like, “I don’t care, if you want a job, get one.  I’m supportive this episode.”  Then Joan wonders about how the cooking and housework would get done and Ted’s like, “Um, slave child, standing ten feet from you.  Remember?”  Ted says that Vicki’s probably trained from sitting around watching TV all day, and I’m wondering if I’m watching an alternate universe Small Wonder.  Vicki’s probably trained from being a slave all day.  Ted gets Vicki started immediately, even though Joan doesn’t have a job yet.  It’s probably because of how much they hate each other.  Joan asks if Ted really doesn’t mind, and he makes yet another sex joke.  Oh my gosh, guys, if we were playing the drinking game with this episode, we might die.

Jamie walks in while Joan and Ted are kissing and he makes a sex joke.  We are nowhere near the actual plot yet, and that’s three sex jokes.  Anyway, they greet Jamie while still attached at the lips and don’t bother stop going at it in front of their kid.  Wow, Joan is really grateful to be freed from that kitchen!  Ted has never been a good father, so, yeah, I can imagine he wouldn’t stop trying to get it on just because his child is watching.  Jamie starts bragging about a bike a neighbor kid got, and Jamie wanting something is a mood killer.  They tell Jamie to get a job because screw child labor laws, that 11-year-old needs to earn his keep.  I mean, I get saying to earn the money yourself, because I washed cars and raked leaves for cash when I was a kid, but he’s 11 – like, what, he’s just going to show up at McDonald’s and get minimum wage? 

After revealing to Jamie that Joan is getting a job, too, he worries about whose doing the cooking, and he’s relieved that it’s going to be Vicki and not Ted.  Again, seriously, when in the hell has Ted ever cooked anything?  He is alpha as shit – he won’t even take out the trash.  I can’t imagine him ever cooking, ever.  I don’t think he ended up cooking that one time they implied he did a couple episodes ago.  I think he got Vicki to do it.  I can’t prove it, but this is Small Wonder – that’s probably exactly what happened.

The next day, Joan is all nervous about her first day on the job and is trying to make breakfast at the same time.  Ted’s like, “Sit the fuck down, relax, and let our slave handle things.”  Vicki’s such a complete slave they plug appliances into her at the table.  We’ve seen the blender plugged into her before, but man… this is a new low.  Plus, I’m starting to realize we’re pretty far into an episode about burritos and nobody has ever even mentioned the word burrito.  This is bullshit.  Joan leaves for her job, but for some reason is worried about dinner at breakfast time.  Vicki’s like, “Don’t worry, I got this.”  I guess she’s remembering the good times from before Joan was as bossy as the rest of them, like that adorable time they made cookies together.

When Joan comes home, she reveals that she sold herself two dresses at work in the first hour, which… is horrible.  I mean, that’s what pay day is for.  Anyway, Jamie says he’s been helping Vicki, which is suspicious, but he’s wearing an apron and everything, so I trust him.  He’s also invited Reggie over for dinner, and Ted’s like “careful Reggie doesn’t get suspicious!”  Dude, seriously, Reggie so figured that shit out a long time ago, he just doesn’t want you to find out.

No surprise, Vicki made burritos for dinner.  The kids set the table up nice and everything, which is sweet.

Then Vicki did this to Ted, which is awesome.  I love their dynamic now.  The burritos are a smash hit, but it turns out Vicki’s made a few extra – like, 62 extra.  After dinner, Reggie says they should do the dishes so they can do their homework, and Jamie’s like, “Fuck this we shit, get on it Vicki.”  Reggie calls Jamie out on pushing his sister around, and Jamie says that detergent turns Vicki on.  Um… there’s so much wrong with that.

Anyway, we know that Vicki actually hates doing the dishes and rebels in her own Vicki way.  Reggie decides they should help Vicki anyway because he’s not an asshole, and Jamie gives in.  Reggie wonders what’s going to happen to the 62 extra burritos, and Jamie says he’ll give them away, but quickly changes his mind because of how good they are.  Vicki believes Jamie wants to eat 62 burritos himself, and Reggie makes a fart joke.  At least it’s not a sex joke.  Fart jokes are fine for 11 year olds.  Sex jokes… can wait at least two years, right?  Anyway, Jamie reveals he’s going to sell the burritos.  Jamie and Reggie become 75/25 partners, and Reggie feels ripped off.  Reggie feels ripped off?  Vicki made the burritos and she’s not getting a cut!

So, while Vicki’s home alone the next day, she does some housework.  Then, Reggie and Jamie come home from school and Reggie and Vicki start flirting with each other.  Not even kidding.  I know I ship Jamie and Harriet hard, but this… was adorable.  Jamie tells Reggie to get over himself because Vicki just overheard it on television.  Seriously, how much TV does everyone think she’s watching?  Slaves don’t get a lot of downtime – and when they do, it’s to sleep in their cabinets.  And then Jamie makes Vicki clean the kitchen.  First he cockblocks his friend, then Jamie tells Vicki she’s not being a good enough slave.  He has serious problems.  Vicki agrees to clean, but not without commenting on how much she hates her life.

It turns out that the burritos sold out fast because Jamie and Reggie sold them for a dime a piece.  They think they’ll be rich in no time, and Jamie quips that they can even hire someone to go through puberty for them.  That’s half a sex joke, for those who have decided to risk their liver on a drinking game anyway.  Harriet comes over, and not for normal Harriet reasons.  She heard about the burritos at school and wants to buy one, but the boys are sold out.  Harriet threatens Reggie with fists and everything!  It’s an adorable little psycho moment.  In all fairness, Reggie did take her dime.  It turns out, however, buying a burrito wasn’t all Harriet had in mind, and Jamie makes another sex joke.  Oh, my, gosh.  This is a show children watch.  Harriet means business, however, and wants to franchise and sell burritos to her classmates; the boys decide to cut her in for a penny a burrito.  Jamie decides that they should call their business IBM – International Burrito Makers – and then it turns out that he and Reggie have a secret handshake?  That’s a first.

The boys come home from school loaded (as in cash, not loaded like you drinking game players are), and I’m wondering like how many days long this episode is.  It’s been like five different days already.  Sitcoms are not supposed to cram one week into one episode. Anyway, that night for dinner, Vicki is making chocolate chip pizza.  She has just given up.  Well, Jamie reveals that a diner has put in a big order, so the boys will have to make burritos after the parents go to sleep.  Are they selling burritos or drugs?  Why so much secrecy?

The kids make an assembly line to make burritos, but Vicki turns out to be the slowest at folding them.  Irony?  Harriet smells the burritos and gets hungry, so she comes over, and they end up making her help.  Ted hears the kids, though, and decides he’s going to beat them to death with a golf club for waking him up.  Or he thinks they’re a burglar – I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d known it was the kids the whole time.  He is a bit of a sociopath.

When the kids get caught, Vicki decides they’re either in trouble, or they have two more workers available.  See, she really is a normal kid.  These are kid conclusions.  When the Lawsons lay into them, Harriet tries to play it off like she has no idea what was going on.  Vicki and Jamie live there, and Reggie was spending the night – she’s the only one who actively had to come over.  At least she doesn’t pretend to be fake sleepwalking.  After finding out about the business, Ted finds out that Jamie’s been undercharging, but decides to roll with it – since they bought everything anyway, they’ll make twice as many burritos and raise the price.  That was actually logical.

And that’s it.  It took them forever to even mention burritos and then it’s over out of nowhere, but they managed to cram in like 4 or 5 sex jokes.  There are worse episodes, but this one is still pretty pointless.

Firsts: Jamie and Reggie’s secret handshake

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Season 1, Episode 13: RoboBrat

This one is one of my favorite episodes, and it’s the very first one I can remember watching first run.  It sticks out.

The Lawsons have just finished breakfast and Joan and Ted are going to get ready to go shopping, but not before Ted and Jamie roshambo over who’s going to take the trash cans to the front.  Ted wins because, of course he does.  I’m operating on this theory that Ted, himself, is an advanced robot from the future sent back in time to make Vicki just to insure his own existence.  He’s his own grandpa… or something.  Anyway, while Jamie’s taking out the trash, he asks Vicki to put everything in the sink.  This time it was innocent enough.  He just wanted Vicki to help out.

But Vicki is so over it.  These people have treated her like a slave long enough.  If you asked her to please pass the salt, she’d probably hurl it at your head. 

Just as Vicki acts out her brief moment of defiance, Harriet comes over.  Even though the door is wide open, she does knock first, so she has some manners.  Harriet says that Vicki does the dishes like her mother, and then asks her to come play.  Vicki says that Jamie told her to stay put, but Harriet is like, “Don’t let no man tell you how to live your life, you do what you want.”

Figured out why I like this episode so much yet?  Oh, yeah, it’s the one where Harriet teaches Vicki independence.  To quote Harriet, “There’s no age limit on women’s lib.”

This is only the third time they show a set outside of the Lawson home, and it’s Harriet’s bedroom!  Harriet shows off her stuff, and Vicki admits she doesn’t have stuff.  Harriet decides Vicki is deprived and decides to help Vicki out.  It would be awesome if Harriet wasn’t such a spoiled brat.

Meanwhile, Ted and Joan notice how Vicki’s done the dishes again, and Ted’s like, “I’d spank her, but I don’t want to break my hand.”  Is that not an extreme reaction?  I mean, yes, I know, spanking was all the rage in the 80s – my butt and I were there.  But over her trying to help out and making a mistake?  Ted is a horrible father.  Jamie returns from taking the trash cans out, and everyone can’t help but notice they’re missing one Vicki.  Ted’s logical conclusion is that Brindle has kidnapped Vicki, but Joan notices that Jamie leaves the door wide open when he enters and leaves the house so they come to the more logical conclusion that she’s run away.  Which, yes, she absolutely should because she is not treated very nicely.

Over at Harriet’s house, the girls play with Harriet’s toys.  Vicki decides to play with a Rubik’s cube, but Harriet believes it to be too hard.  Nothing is ever too hard for Vicki though – you know, except for not taking people so literally – and she solves it pretty quickly.  Harriet thinks it’s sneaky that Vicki didn’t admit that she knew the trick, and that’s a quality that Harriet likes in Vicki.  Finally, someone appreciates the girl for being herself.  Bonnie comes up to tell Harriet she has to go to the orthodontist soon, so clean up her room.  A battle ensues that ends up with Harriet getting paid to do what she’s supposed to do in the first place.  Bonnie does call Harriet out on being a spoiled brat, though, so… I don’t know.  At least she’s acknowledging that her daughter is learning negative traits?  Anyway, Harriet passes the lesson on to Vicki.

Now that Harriet is Vicki’s bestie, Vicki admits that she doesn’t even have a bed and sleeps in a cabinet – how did Harriet not learn that one episode ago when she spent days at the Lawson house?  I have got to stop questioning the logic behind this show.  Anyway, Harriet is in shock how mean the Lawsons are to Vicki and brings it to her attention.  Vicki listens, because she has no reason to believe Harriet means her harm.  So Harriet teaches Vicki how to throw a temper tantrum.

Harriet sends Vicki home, but tells her not to tell her parents she was over there and she borrows her mother’s catchphrase.  It’s actually adorable.  She knows they’ll figure out Harriet taught Vicki how to stand up for herself, so she makes her say that she was in the backyard or something.

Ted is actually worried about where Vicki is, but he still refers to her as his invention.  Joan is like, “Um, hello, I’m missing a daughter.”  And Jamie’s like, “I’m missing the coolest little sister in the history of ever.”  Okay, Joan has always thought of Vicki like a little girl, but Jamie is bullshitting.  He’s missing his slave.  Vicki walks in the door right that second, and when they ask where she was she literally says she was in the backyard or something.

Joan says that she’s going to buy Vicki a bow when she goes out shopping, and for some reason, that’s what sets Vicki off.  She wants the things other little girls have!  Dolls, stuffed animals, allowance!  The Lawsons are shocked.  You programmed her to be a little girl – how are they not getting they got what they wanted?

Ted decides it’s Jamie’s fault.  Has Ted ever accepted blame for anything?  Of course not, Ted is flawless in Ted’s own mind.  Vicki also demands toys and a bed and says she can’t believe how mean her parents are to her.  She does have a point there.  Most parents know the fine line between a child doing chores and your child being a slave.  Also, most kids get toys.  She’s not being unreasonable.  Ted manages to say the right thing that gets Vicki to drop a clue that it was Harriet that taught her these things.

Ted is actually happy.  Wait, what?  Vicki went out and made a friend and she wants to be treated like a little girl and – Ted, where were you the past 13 episodes?  This is not new. Can you maybe love her, too?  Ted tells Vicki to go to her room, so she borrows Bonnie’s catchphrase.  “No no no no no no” is really getting around, y’all.  Joan is like, “Um, reprogram her” and now I’m wondering if Vicki crossed over into a bizarro universe.  Ted likes seeing Vicki act like a little girl and Joan is freaked out by it?  That… oh, you know.

Up in their room, Jamie tells Vicki to get in her cabinet, but she wants the bed.  Jamie tells her she’s crazy, mixed up, needs a shrink, and she’s not a girl.  Way to dehumanize your sister, Jamie.  What’s next, you decide to sell her for scrap metal?  That’s your sister.  Anyway, Vicki throws a temper tantrum and it’s awesome.  Ted is the only one who’s supportive of Vicki expressing herself, but Joan and Jamie are like, “get our docile girl back!”

Ted tries to reprogram her but he fries out her circuits and she throws another temper tantrum.  Ted says he has to take her apart and sneak her into his office.  Um, can’t he just be like “Take your daughter to work on a Saturday day?”  Whatever, Joan finally comes to her senses and doesn’t want her daughter taken apart, but Jamie’s like, “don’t think of her as a child, think of her as Harriet” and Joan’s like “chop her up.”  Damn, woman.  And you’re so nice to Harriet to her face.

And Vicki goes back to being body parts in a case.  Ted whispers that it’s okay to the body parts, and I’m really thinking he does have the mind of a sociopath.  It’s disturbing.  Harriet comes over to look for Vicki while Ted is running off with her body parts in a case.  Harriet knows they’re lying about where she is, but they won’t tell her anything.  Harriet tells Jamie that she knows Vicki is being abused, and Harriet makes it clear – she’s going to make trouble.

Bonnie, Harriet, and a policeman come over right after Ted comes home but before he can put her back together.  Jamie says he thought Harriet was kidding when she said she was going to call the cops for doing bad stuff to Vicki – dude, seriously?  One of the admirable qualities about the Brindles is they’re pretty serious about child abuse being fucked up.  The whole reason Vicki got adopted was because Bonnie called social services.  Ted tells them to stall while he gets Vicki put back together.

Well, after waiting around for awhile, everyone sees Vicki is okay.  Bonnie apologizes, but you know, they did the right thing.  It’s really hard to be mad at the Brindles for worrying about Vicki’s welfare, you know?  At the end, though, Ted reveals that there was such a rush, he didn’t get time to put Vicki’s hair back on.  And… the end.

The lesson here is Ted isn’t necessarily against Vicki having some independence, just as long as she isn’t learning it on her own.  And that Joan and Jamie would rather see Vicki as parts in a case than be like Harriet.

Firsts: Harriet’s room, borrowed catchphrase

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Season 1, Episode 12: Brindles Move In

We are half way through the first season!  Yay!  It's pretty much a downhill battle from here, because as we near the end of the first season, things become slightly less painful and the later seasons are the better ones.

The episode starts with Vicki in the kitchen making dinner and Joan coming in to check on her.  Oh, now that Joan is an accredited teacher she’s going to start embracing this Vicki slave thing.  Lovely.  Anyway, Vicki is making square potatoes, and when Joan questions her on it, she says they’re geometrically perfect and they won’t roll of the plate.  You know Joan, if you don’t like it, you can make dinner yourself.  Vicki is supposed to be 10 and you’re trusting her with sharp objects.  If you don’t want to cook, why can’t you order a pizza like most normal Americans?

Ted comes in and Vicki’s actually nice to him, but Ted blows up.  This is why you guys had that epic stare down just one episode ago, jeez.  Well, Ted just apparently had a bad day at work and needed to vent.  Ted doesn’t get a promotion, which Vicki rubs in.  That’s what you get for not recognizing the one time she’s trying to be nice to you.  Brandon Brindle got the promotion over him and now he’s Ted’s boss.  And now I’m thinking, continuity error?  Because didn’t they already say that Brandon was his boss way back in episode two?  Whatever.  This show has bigger issues.

Jamie comes home and announces there’s smoke coming out of the Brindles house, and given the timing and Ted’s reaction, I’m pretty sure he set it on fire himself.  The Lawsons start to check it out, but Brandon comes in the back door, hacking up a lung, announcing the house fire.  Joan complains of the smell, and Brandon says that’s Bonnie’s cooking.  Oh, those dysfunctional Brindles.  How are they somehow lesser than the dysfunctional Lawsons?  Oh, because Joan can actually cook, I guess.  Women, kitchen, all that noise.  

Bonnie and Harriet rush over soon after, and Harriet brings her parrot which was actually mentioned in another episode.  In less than five minutes they completely disregard and remember continuity.  I just… I don’t even know with this show.  I need more Ted and Vicki moments.  Anyway, Joan stupidly offers to help out, and Bonnie manipulates her way into getting the family to spend the night with the Lawsons.  Brandon already lords being Ted’s boss over his head.

At this moment, Ted notices Vicki’s square potatoes and Joan defends them cheerfully.  This episode flip flops.  Anyway, Ted wants to know why Joan agreed to the Brindles spending the night so quickly when they might find out about Vicki, and Joan’s like, “Look, they’re not going to find out about Vicki, so stop using that as an excuse.  Plus, he’s mean enough to actually fire you if we say no.”  Joan is smart.  Ted realizes that, too, and gives in.

The Brindles are, well, the Brindles, and they swindle their way into a dinner, and you can tell they’re trying to get into an actual bed instead of the couch.  Ted then admits to Joan once they’re alone that he’s going to murder the Brindles.

A couple days later, the Brindles live and Jamie complains about how much time Harriet spends in the bathroom, and Vicki reveals that Harriet makes faces at herself in the mirror.  Then she mimics them.  It’s pretty adorable.  Harriet says she’s trying to look her best.  Jamie makes fun of Harriet, but Harriet says she has everything every other woman ever had when they were Harriet’s age – they just don’t know how it’s going to turn out yet.  Well, that’s one thing the Brindles seem to have done right, little Harriet understands her body.   Harriet’s parrot repeats her, and Jamie decides that the first compliment he’s going to give the girl is that she has a smart parrot.  Those two are getting married one day.  That’s how it starts.  You realize she can raise a good parrot, then you’re raising good kids.  Well, it’s Jamie and Harriet – they’re either raising supervillains or future CIA agents.  Maybe it’s a good thing the world will never know.  Then Vicki gets jealous of the parrot and shows off.  Oh, Vicki.  How did Harriet not find out Vicki sleeps in a cabinet yet?  I’m confused.

Ted doesn’t smell smoke, and so gets ready to kick the Brindles out, but Joan is like, “Come on, let them decide to leave on their own.”  She also makes Jamie go play with Harriet, because Joan has always been trying to hook those two up.  Ted and Joan check on the Brindles, and Bonnie spoils Joan’s book for her.  Why do you loan a book you haven’t even read yet to someone?  Joan deserved that one.  Sorry, Joan.

For some reason, Brandon decides to confess to insurance fraud and Bonnie doesn’t approve.  Good!  Until Brandon believes he won’t be caught, then she wants to add something to the list.  Then the Brindles decide to stay another couple of days.  That’s just how they work.  I know that’s a horrible explanation, but there’s like no natural transitions in this episode.

Vicki and Harriet are playing checkers, and Harriet is bored because Vicki keeps winning.  She wants to know if Vicki’s that smart or she’s that dumb, and Harriet’s own parrot insults her.  Poor kid.  The parrot repeat stuff the Brindles said about the fire, including Harriet saying that Daddy started the fire with a cigar, even though Brandon had already told the Lawsons it was faulty wiring.  Harriet realizes she’s got a big mouth.

Ted’s finally had enough and is going to kick Brandon out.  He doesn’t want Joan to talk him out of it, but Joan is getting some sick pleasure out of suggesting Ted put on his spiked golf shoes and actually kick Brandon.  Damn, the Brindles broke Joan.  That is something special.  Ted is proud of Joan’s sadistic side and rewards her with the most genuine hug I have ever seen.  You know, if Dexter had come out in the 80s, Dick Christie would have made a pretty good Dexter.

Ted and Joan double team the Brindles and ask them to leave.  Ted kind of suggests he wants them to die.  The Brindles take a super long time to actually fulfill the request and try to make the Lawsons feel bad, but Joan admits that the situation has made her mentally unsound.  Bonnie decides that is a pretty good reason to leave, though she believes that Harriet and Brandon have been insulted.  Because that’s Bonnie.  Brandon tries to make Ted feel shitty and says “you better hope that faulty wiring doesn’t flare up again and kill us all,” which wouldn’t work even if Brandon wasn’t a liar because Ted has no human emotions.  However, Jamie calls Brandon out on his bullshit and Harriet admits her parrot confessed everything.

Ted realizes he has Brandon in a bind, so Brandon offers him a promotion as a bribe.  Ted agrees to not tell if Brandon doesn’t turn in the list of fake items lost in the fire and he leaves the house right now.  You have never seen the Brindles leave a place so quickly!  And that’s kind of it.  I feel like the Brindles and their swindle are underutilized because that’s two episodes now where the plot of the episode was “how do we get our neighbors out of the house,” but nothing really happens.

Firsts: we actually see Harriet’s parrot

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