Season 2, Episode 2: The Shoplifter

I was starting to review this episode before I burned out and realized it was just too hard to do on a Nook. Feels like - a year longer than it actually was. Guys - we’re really really back! Let’s get started.

We start with Ted entering the kitchen and telling Vicki to pour him a cup of coffee before immediately blocking said cup of coffee with a newspaper because we need to start of with the robot wackiness right away. And Vicki delivers on the wackiness. Maybe next time don’t make your request so impossible, Ted. At least Jamie and Joan appreciate Vicki’s solution.

Apparently, the reason Ted couldn’t put down the paper for even ten seconds was because he was enthralled with an article about kid shoplifters. Vicki doesn’t know what shoplifting is, so Joan tells her. In the real world, that wouldn’t backfire, but this is Sitcomland. Ted and Joan show disgust in the epidemic, with Joan going as far as to say the parents are to blame and they should be punished. Oh, I wish that couldn’t possibly be a set up.

The front doorbell rings, which surprised me because guests always know what room the Lawsons are in. Weird. Jamie volunteers to answer it - wait, complimenting Vicki, not being lazy - guys, Jamie’s been body snatched.  It’s Vicki’s social worker, Mrs. Fernwald! Jamie recognized her by her hat. Yeah. So he tells his parents she’s there and they freak out because of that whole fraud thing that went down during the whole adoption process - all of which could have been avoided if Ted didn’t have to act like he was a KGB agent and Vicki was a Soviet secret. It’s 1986, I choose to believe that analogy works.

Turns out, Mrs. Fernwald is just checking in on Vicki because that’s what social workers do. They don’t place kids and forget about them. It’s baffling the times Small Wonder chooses to add realism to the show, but I actually appreciate it. Mrs. Fernwald even makes sure Joan is still a credentialed teacher. I like Mrs. Fernwald.

Mrs. Fernwald even brought Vicki a birthday present, and Ted and Joan are confused by the fact that they gave Vicki a birthday. Yeah, you guys did that when you forged her birth certificate. Get it together, guys. Joan actually brilliantly covers by saying they’re throwing Vicki a surprise party, which Ted nearly blows by smartly saying he just learned of it. Ted, you are just the worst. Mrs. Fernwald invites herself to the birthday party because I would, too. This Ted person is super suspicious. She asks what time and mentions she has an appointment at 4:00. So of course the party is at 4:00! Mrs. Fernwald says she’ll change the appointment because I would, too. These Lawsons can’t be trusted.

Joan wonders how they’re going to pull off having a surprise party, and Ted says, “I don’t know, surprise me.” So Joan punches him in the stomach. That is how Houdini died! That is straight up spousal abuse! It was a stupid joke, but dang, that was a bit of an overreaction! No wonder Ted acts so alpha! That is not even the first time Joan has hit Ted, but this is the first time it made me question how okay it actually is. Then she drags him upstairs by the hood of his sweatshirt. How are the Brindles not seeing and reporting that?!

Jamie takes Vicki to a department store, and I already see a guy following them. I’ve been followed in a department store, so I know what it looks like. If your job is following people in a department store, be less obvious. Jamie asks Vicki if she knows what they’re going to do and she says “shoplift.” Take her home right now, Jamie! That is your red flag.

Jamie ignores the obvious red flag and tells Vicki they’re shopping for her birthday present, but first they’re doing some browsing. When Jamie steps away, the guy I knew was following them approaches Vicki and asks if she needs help with anything and she mimics Jamie’s browsing. So, clearly this guy is on top of making sure theft doesn't happen. Or, wait, this is Small Wonder.

Jamie spots some gold watches and he wishes he could take the whole display case. So Vicki lifts the display case. That is your second red flag, Jamie. Jamie points out a specific watch with diamonds that Joan would like, then walks away literally ten seconds after saying he can’t take his eyes off of Vicki. So of course she takes it. Did the guy following her miss both of these things? Why is he employed?

Speaking of suspiciously absent people, Harriet finally shows up while Joan is half-ass looking at a box of what I assume is decorations? Harriet says she happened to be under the kitchen door that morning, so Joan assumes she overheard about Vicki’s birthday party. How? That went down in the living room. Just how good is the hearing of a Brindle? Harriet says she noticed that the geraniums needed watering and then asks if she can come to the party now that she knows about it. Joan is reluctant but agrees. She did bring it on herself by assuming.

Jamie and Vicki come home and Jamie tells Vicki he got her a present for himself because robots don’t have birthdays. Ah, the body snatcher has left and the real Jamie has returned. Vicki says she got “Mom” a birthday present. I don’t think she’s ever called Joan “Mom” before! She always calls her Jamie's mom. This would be a much sweeter moment if she didn’t reveal a stolen watch, further proving what a disturbed child she is. Neglect Vicki less, Lawsons. Jamie is shocked, but Vicki is super nonchalant about the whole thing. Jamie realizes Ted will murder them both so decides to take the watch back. I’ve watched enough 80s sitcoms to know that is the wrong response. It seems like the responsible thing to do, but that’s when you get busted.

The guy who failed at following the Lawson children before approaches the kids immediately upon entering the store, but Jamie can’t recognize red flags and doesn’t realize they should abort the mission. He decides he’ll create a distraction while Vicki puts the watch back.

So Jamie decides this isn’t suspicious behavior. We’re in cringe territory. I hate cringe territory. He claims his malaria is back as a crowd forms. I just... can I review just half an episode? No? Well, okay...

Of course Vicki gets busted putting it back. You should have been lookout, Jamie, not - whatever the hell that was.

Joan has set up the party and Ted says he had a hard time finding Vicki a present. He is carrying golf clubs. You don’t want to question that, Joan? He left you to set up while he bought a dress then played golf. You know that, right? 

The doorbell rings and Mrs. Fernwald has returned. Oh, this is going to be good. Harriet comes soon after, bringing back the punch bowl Bonnie had borrowed six months prior - that’s Harriet’s present. Practical.

Jamie calls and Ted pulls Joan into the kitchen. That’s not suspicious behavior. Mrs. Fernwald strikes up a conversation with Harriet, and Harriet says the sweetest thing she has ever said - Vicki is the only girl she likes more than herself. Then she calls Vicki weird, so that was short-lived. Mrs. Fernwald wants to know more.

In the kitchen, Joan and Ted are trying to figure out where they went wrong with Vicki. Guys, I have documentation. Like remember that time you tried to make her worse at chess than you because you’re a sore loser, Ted? At least Ted blames himself, as he should. I guess he can be a real man sometimes.  But also Joan needs to take blame this time. She was the one who accidentally programmed Vicki. Ted goes to try and help the kids, and Joan walks in on Harriet telling Mrs. Fernwald about the whole standing in the cabinet and talking like a robot thing. Joan covers it with “vivid imagination.” Yeah, those two words can cover most forms of weirdness. Also, Vicki always talks like a robot, so what crack is everyone one that they only notice sometimes?

So the guy who was following the kids is the store detective. Some detective! He missed Vicki picking up an entire display case. Ted and Jamie try pleading Vicki’s case, but Vicki chooses the wrong time to mimic people. Then Vicki steals the watch again and says to blame it on the parents. Oh, that robot. Also, this guy has yet to actually catch Vicki while she steals. How is he employed? How much merchandise walks out that doesn't conveniently walk back in?

Back home, Joan tries to send Mrs. Fernwald away, but she doesn’t want to disappoint Vicki. Yeah, I agree, this party is pretty sad having just two guests and all. The doorbell rings and Joan opens it to Ted, Jamie, Vicki, the store detective, and a police officer. Fun! Now the party can really get started!

The store detective says he has a warrant to search the house for stolen merchandise, and it’s Mrs. Fernwald to the rescue! She defends Vicki and also apparently hits on the store detective - isn’t she married? Then she asks him out. Why? Why is this show so awkward?

So, everything is resolved and the Lawsons wish Vicki a happy birthday. Vicki wishes Joan a happy birthday and reveals she stole the watch again. Rule of threes guys, rule of threes. Ted is quick to return it, but you know what - with everything they went through, I would have kept it. The watch was just meant to be theirs for free.

That’s it for this week. Another week where they do something good, so they doubled down on the stupid and awkward.

Firsts: Vicki calls Joan “Mom”

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Season 2, Episode 1: Money, Money, Money

Here it is, season 2! Twenty-four episodes and then we will be exactly half way through the series. And I know this took forever, but I really really needed a laptop. I have it now and it is now a nonstop flight to the end of the series! I’ll even get to update the drinking game with quirks from season 2! Guys, I’m excited! Anyway, this episode has both Jessica and Warren, so we’re starting off with the recurrers.

 

Before I get started, I want to remind everyone that I review in production order. Smoker’s Delight was the first second season episode aired, but it was produced mid-season. I’m only going to make one exception to the whole production order thing, and I’ll explain it when I get to it. It’s not until season 4, though. Anyway, let’s get to it!

 

Season 2 has a new title sequence! This will also be the last season to use the original theme song.

 

Ted’s sequence starts the same, but we cut to him using a computer at home. Computers are way cooler than eating lunch, yo.

 

Joan still starts off in the kitchen, with those googly eye glasses I warned you about last season, but her freeze frame is in the living room. Possible foreshadowing of her character growth?

 

Jamie is in the kitchen making the most ridiculous sandwich ever. This sequence is actually one of the ones I remembered best as a kid. That sandwich embeds itself into memories.

 

Vicki is out of the kitchen! Wait, where is Emily Schulman’s credit? Anyway, Vicki karate chops the table. Women’s lib!

 

Oh, there’s Harriet. They flipped Emily Schulman and Tiffany Brissette in the credits. Anyway, Harriet is eavesdropping because that’s so Harriet.

 

And the credits end with Vicki clicking them off through Ted’s computer. It makes no sense, but on TV it makes the commercials happen anyway.

 

Okay, actual episode. Jessica is dressing better! Anyway, Jamie asks if he can sit and Jessica’s like, “of course!” However, as soon as he does sit down, Jessica bolts. She still hates you, dude.

 

Jamie asks Jessica for a date, claiming to have matured now they’re in junior high. That is the same damn school. This is like how Degrassi Community School was a junior high and somehow became a high school with almost no transition. Anyway, Jessica’s like, “I’m still too good for you.” She tells Jamie he’s adorable, but she only dates for money. She’s 12. Jessica’s parents have majorly failed her. Recognize the red flag and bail out, Jamie!

 

Harriet walks up to Jamie and makes her feelings about Jessica clear - Harriet’s not a fan. I do not blame her. Jamie is shocked that Harriet’s on his campus in the first place. Harriet says she wanted to have lunch with Jamie, but he’s hung up on the fact that she’s still in elementary school. Dude, it’s not her fault the schools look the same. Harriet doesn’t understand why Jamie would want someone pretty like Jessica when Jamie could have someone like her, but Jamie helpfully reminds her that she likes Warren. I’m pretty sure that was for like five seconds a year ago. Harriet says she’s over him right when Warren comes out. She doesn’t like scenes this week, so she bolts. Or maybe she just doesn’t like scenes when they involve her. Either way, she’s faster than the Flash.

 

Warren is jealous at how Harriet pines for Jamie, and sad that girls don’t like him. Jamie tries to comfort Warren with the knowledge that he’s the smartest kid in school, but Warren would trade it all “for a night of wild passion.” He actually said that. He’s TWELVE. Warren needs to go back to dating Vicki or he’s going to be that smart kid that goes to community college because he knocked a girl up junior year. You can’t get a robot pregnant. Yet. If this show had gone on long enough, Ted would have found a way, I’m sure.

 

Back at the house, Ted is programming Vicki. Joan comes out of the kitchen to ask for Vicki’s help making dinner. Ted says she’s busy and tells Vicki to about face. Vicki only turns her head around (get it, about FACE?) and Joan gets bothered. That’s continuity! It bothered her in season 1, too. Ted gets Vicki to make her body join her head before revealing that he’s programmed Vicki to be their accountant and he’s pretty much given her power of attorney over the finances. Oh, that is absolutely not going to backfire at all. Also, how weird is it that Ted had to access Vicki’s back panel to teach her to be in charge of the family budget? Sure, she can learn defibrillation from TV, but handing her an accounting textbook does not take into account how complicated the expenses for a family of four can be, especially when one of them doesn’t eat.

 

Of course, since the Lawsons are now watching their money, the first words out of Jamie’s mouth as he walks in the door is, “Dad, I need a raise in my allowance.” Ted tells Jamie to take it up with the boss, so he asks Joan and that’s supposed to be funny? Look, robot or no, I wouldn’t assume my younger sibling was the boss of anything, either. Vicki decides Jamie doesn’t need a raise. He’s getting $3 a week in 1986, so I agree. I got, like, $1 a week until 1997 and I made it work. Jamie doesn’t like that answer, however, so he hits Vicki. Lovely behavior to teach children.

 

Jamie reveals he needs the money for Jessica, but his family is like, “you’re too good for that skank.” You really are, Jamie. You’re a little jerk that just hit your little sister for saying something you didn’t like, and you’re still too good for Jessica. That’s how horrible Jessica is. For absolutely no reason other than it occupied time, Ted reveals that there is an emergency fund of $200 that only Vicki knows where it is, and only Vicki can decide what an emergency is. Jamie needed to know that? It’s obvious they needed a filler device, probably to make up for the fact the B-plot isn’t a plot.

 

I’m assuming it’s the next day at school, but who really knows? Small Wonder has no regards for time or cuts that actually makes sense. Anyway, Warren asks Jamie for a minute of his time and Jamie says it has to be fast because he has “some heavy breathing to do with Jessica.” Children watched this show. These kids are 12. They don’t need to make so many sex jokes. I mean, I get it’s Small Wonder and if they don’t constantly make sex jokes, they will die, but dude, there has to be limits.

 

Warren decides Jamie should be his love guru, a position Jamie declines until Warren agrees to pay him. Warren claims he has a lot of money saved up because he has no one to spend it on. Bullshit. Screw other people, Warren is a nerd in 1986. NES is the BFF he spends all his cash on. Anyway, Jamie decides that Warren can follow him around on a date in exchange for Warren bankrolling the whole thing. Jamie then borrows the giant wad of money Warren inexplicably carries around with him at all times, maybe because muggings only exist in Sitcomland in very special episodes. Jamie uses the money to seduce Jessica, and it obviously works because Jessica is a skank. I’m not even going to comment on the fact that she only needed to check a $1 bill to decide Jamie was loaded now. Anyone can... you know what, no. That’s commenting.

 

Back at the Lawson homestead, Vicki is memorizing a budget meal cookbook, and Harriet comes over to leave a message for Jamie with Joan. Harriet thinks Jessica is trouble and wants Jamie to know she might not be as pretty, but she wouldn’t hurt Jamie as badly. You’re beautiful where it counts, Harriet. Joan agrees to pass on the message. Ted comes home just then and wants to know what Harriet’s problem was. I don’t think he actually cared, he just needed dialogue to cross the room. Ted starts bitching about the budget, and after finding out cabbage is for dinner, he decides “screw the budget” and tries to get Vicki to give up the emergency fund so he and Joan can go out to dinner. I don’t even know where to begin with pointing out all the obvious alternatives. When Vicki decides this isn’t an emergency, Ted threatens to dismantle her, but he threatens it so much that Vicki just doesn’t care. Then, to prove he’s robot father of the year, Ted calls Vicki a bucket of bolts, but she’s just so over him. Man, I really wish the show had gone on into Vicki’s teen years.

 

Jamie and Jessica show up to “La Petit Maison” for their date, and naturally, the maitre’d wants to know how Jamie’s going to pay. I also would not trust 12 year olds in a fancy restaurant, so bravo for some actual realism here. The maitre'd seats them, and there's some tired gag about how Jamie lied about knowing French and then Jessica asks him when grenouille is. Maybe the gag wasn't so overdone in the 80s that everyone and their dog knew grenouille was frogs legs, but come on.  Jamie gets up to ask the maitre'd what grenouille is, and the maitre'd points out Warren, who's been hiding in a plant. Jamie says Warren is his chauffer, and the maitre'd promises to take good care of Jamie and Jessica.

 

After the lovely dinner, Warren shows up to ask for cab fare home. It leads to everything coming out about how Jamie was just using Warren’s money to look rich. Since Jessica is a 12-year-old skank that doesn’t care about anything but money, she leaves with Warren and the wad of cash. This leaves Jamie with no money to pay the bill, forcing him to call his parents.

 

The Lawsons are now in their living room, and they decide now is a good time rip Jamie a new one. Because doing that on the way home is so passe, or even through the door. They have to be in "rip Jamie a new one" positions. Also, why is Joan standing while the robot sits? Small Wonder: who cares if the framing is awkward? 

Ted explains to Vicki that they no longer have money because they had to bail Jamie out. Vicki agrees that this is an emergency and reveals she ate the money. Oh, what do you know, dismantling Vicki actually would have worked out for Ted for once. That’s what he gets for never committing. Vicki has Ted use her front panel as an ATM keypad, and then she makes it rain because Small Wonder is all about the special effects.

 

The end. This was a painful start to season 2, but we’ll live. I hope.

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Small Wonder Reviewed Is Returning!

Okay, so if you can't watch the video, the overview is I just bought a laptop, so Small Wonder Reviewed will start updating again! When? Either September 25 or October 2 - I will keep you posted. I'm going to start season 2 completely over, so we're going to pretend like that one failure of an entry never happened.

I also announced plans to do a vlog series where I review The Munsters Today. If you don't know about that show, it was a Munsters reboot where the family got frozen in the 60s and woke up in the 80s. They sometimes forgot that was the premise of the show. It sadly, technically, outlasted the original - only by like three episodes, but still. I'm aiming towards November on that one.

So, yay! Who's excited this blog is going to update again?

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Small Wonder Is Returning to Antenna TV!

I know I've been gone forever, and I'm considering options for remedying that. In the meanwhile, thanks to a tip left on the Small Wonder Reviewed Facebook page, I have learned that next week, Small Wonder returns to the airwaves. I confirmed with tvguide.com, and it's glorious.

To find out how to watch Small Wonder in your area, check your local listings.

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