Friday, November 29, 2013

Season 1, Episode 18: RobotNappers

This review is an experiment in how well I can review Small Wonder while I’m angsting.  Originally, I was going to skip ahead and just watch episodes I like to drown my sorrows, because I’ve had a rough night, but I was like – where’s the fun in that?  This is another episode I just saw in the recent past and I don’t remember it, so, let’s get to it.

The episode starts with Joan and Vicki in the kitchen cooking, because why not.  Anyway, Joan is having a hard time with the can opener, so she asks Vicki to help her with a can of spinach.  She fully intended for Vicki to use the can opener, but Vicki went straight up Popeye on that shit and split the can in half.  Jamie comes home from school and says he’s hungry and wants a snack, but when he sees the only snack is carrot sticks he apparently isn’t hungry anymore because he suddenly wants to paint the clubhouse.  Work: it’s better than eating carrot sticks.  Jamie tries to get Vicki to help him, but Joan says Vicki can only watch. Good luck with that.  You told Jamie many times to stop using Vicki for homework and there was an entire episode that revolved around him disobeying that order.  But good for you for asserting that your robot daughter is not a robot slave.

As Jamie and Vicki go outside, Bonnie comes over to borrow some mayonnaise – and some other things – to finish up Brandon’s dinner.  Ted comes home and didn’t see Bonnie and starts to bad mouth Brandon.  With as much as Harriet comes over, that wasn’t smart of Ted, but he manages to blow it off when Bonnie questions him.  After she leaves, Ted continues with what he was trying to say.  It turns out that these robotics guys came over to his job and they were impressed with Ted, so he invites them to dinner to talk to them about working for them or something.  He also starts talking about giving up Vicki to a plant, which upsets Joan enough that he promises to get her the same Vicki back, but explains how the technology the better lab has could help him truly improve her.  Brandon and Bonnie come back over and Brandon wants to know what he missed at work. Ted swears nothing, and Brandon reveals he spied on Ted and the tech guys with binoculars – Harriet gets it on both sides; it’s genetic.

As Jamie is painting the clubhouse, Vicki announces that Harriet is coming – she can hear her footsteps on the lawn.  Jamie is impressed by Vicki’s hearing.  Sure enough, Harriet shows up, and Jamie Tom Sawyers her.  Of course, it backfires when Harriet realizes painting isn’t fun.  Jamie convinces Harriet to help so she can join the club and be the only girl among eight boys, and she gives in.

The tech guys come in, and Ted decides he’s not going to reveal Vicki is a robot until the end of the night to see how long she can fool experts.  So of course, Ted shows her off right away.  She shows off her knowledge, lifts up Ted, and breaks a table with a karate chop.  No subtlety here.  The tech guys immediately offer Ted a job, and Ted has to think about it.  What?  The entire episode, he pretty much says he wants the job, and he has to think about it?  Anyway, the tech guys pick up on the fact Vicki is a robot right away.  One of the guys is pure evil though and is like, “Screw giving Lawson a job now, let’s steal his kid.”

Jamie comes in and says that he was hungry from painting the clubhouse.  Vicki reveals that Jamie tricked Harriet into it, because Vicki doesn’t believe in letting Jamie have bullshit victories.  Vicki uses her hearing to also reveal that she overheard the evil prick threaten to steal her.  The Lawsons try to come up with a way to keep Vicki safe, and the Brindles come over after noticing the tech guys.  The Brindles pull their swindle and get themselves invited to dinner.

In the kids’ room, Vicki and Harriet play checkers but Harriet gets tired of losing.  Harriet says she wants to play the game she saw Vicki and Jamie playing the day before, when she saw Vicki in the cabinet, and then she proceeds to act like a robot.  Sure enough, the kidnapping prick shows up in the window and sees Harriet acting like a robot.  Seriously, how did he know which window to look into?  This leads the prick to believe Brindle is a genius and Harriet is actually a robot.  The Brindles and the tech guys leave, and Vicki reveals that they think Harriet is a robot.  They all have a laugh and then Jamie beats Vicki for trying to steal some pizza.  Actually, the way Vicki mouths, “oh,” I’m pretty sure that was a mistake, but still.

That’s it.  Apparently, all it takes to trump a ton of physical evidence that someone is a robot is someone else claiming to be one.  This episode was pretty freaking ridiculous.  Also, they really abused Vicki’s super hearing when she’s never had it before.

Firsts: Someone thinks Brandon is a genius; someone figures out Vicki is a robot and admits it; someone wants to steal Vicki; Vicki has a never before mentioned ability without being programmed

Friday, November 22, 2013

Season 1, Episode 17: Substitute Dad

Every week we get closer and closer to the end of the season, and I’m so excited.  It’s going to get better.  This is another episode I don’t remember, which seriously is odd.  It’s not like the last time I ran through the series was when I was a kid; it was, like, 2011.  Certain episodes I can remember loving way back when I was 2; other episodes I can’t remember even seeing from when I was 28.  Whatever, let’s get to it.

We start with Ted playing golf in the living room, and Vicki enters the room and watches.  Vicki has lots of questions, like why is Ted talking to a stick and wiggling his butt.  Vicki has a smart ass moment, but Ted just laughs to himself – he must be in a good mood.  Then he gets a phone call that a really good golf player is going to be his partner at his Sunday golf game, but then Jamie’s like, “I have a picnic then!”  Ted tries to get Jamie to play the games at the picnic with his mother, but Jamie’s like, “Mom can’t play basketball because she’s a lady and ladies don’t play sports!”  This was years before the WNBA… and, well, even then… still, I’m insulted.  I play basketball.  Ted gets Jamie to let him out of the picnic anyway, and Jamie decides not to go.  Joan’s like, “Come on, teach me how to play basketball” and Jamie’s like, “no” but Joan is like “please” so Jamie agrees.

Jamie starts by trying to teach Joan how to play defense.  She’s really bad at it.  Jamie then tells her to play offense.  You know, it’s not really Joan’s fault that Jamie is a horrible coach.  Jamie is depressed, and inadvertently teaches Vicki how to be depressed.  Then Harriet comes over and all the kids get depressed over the fact their dads don’t love them enough.  Jamie explains how his dad sucks, and Harriet says how her dad would love her more if she was a boy.  Brandon comes over and after Jamie explains the situation, he agrees to be Jamie’s substitute dad.

Ted comes home, and Vicki bitches about how selfish he is.  Ted gets mad at Joan for using Vicki to vent her emotions, so Joan lays into him.  Jamie comes home from school and says the teacher said it was okay if Brandon can be his substitute dad, which upsets Ted.  Ted would have been cool if it was anyone else, but he really hates Brandon Brindle.  That’s just really unfair to Jamie, though.  He didn’t ask to be a pawn in the Lawson/Brindle wars!

Brandon and Jamie start training for the picnic.  Harriet’s there being adorable – I mean, she had one job – timing the sack race – and she couldn’t even do that.  Ted comes home to see them training, and he starts to become jealous.  Joan calls him out on it, and Ted asks who he’s jealous of.  Vicki goes all grammar Nazi on him, probably to fill time and because she has to do it before it’s the cool thing to do online.  Ted admits he’s jealous and will give up the golf game to go with Jamie to the picnic, but Jamie tells him no.  Jamie says it’s unfair to Brandon to ditch him, which is the most Jamie’s thought of somebody who wasn’t him.  Ted and Brandon start getting competitive over Jamie’s affections, and Joan calls Ted out on being immature.

Ted is a complete sociopath, so he decides that he’s going to cause Brandon to have a little accident so that he can’t go to the picnic.  That’s really fucked up on a lot of levels, but Brandon wasn’t out to make Ted jealous on purpose.  He just saw an opportunity to help Jamie and have the son he never had for just one day.  It’s hard to be mad at that.  Joan tries desperately to stop Ted, but she knows she can’t, so she decides that the best she can do is be prepared to help Brandon.  Ted’s plan backfires and he’s the one who ends up getting injured.  And that’s seriously the end of the episode.  What the shit?  That’s like half an episode.  What happens at the picnic?  Do Brandon and Ted bury the hatchet?  Does Brandon make sure that Harriet knows he still loves her very much even if she isn’t a boy?  There are so many dangling threads, here.  No wonder I couldn’t remember this episode.  Also, there really isn't a whole lot of Vicki, and she's the main character.  It's not even the first time Vicki got second fiddle on her own show - what is up with that?

Firsts: Jamie cares about someone else’s feelings

Friday, November 15, 2013

Season 1, Episode 16: First Love

The robot’s already had a love story, so I guess it’s big brother’s turn.  Even though he just hated girls.  Seriously, did Jamie hit puberty overnight?  Anyway, this is the episode that introduces Jessica, which is a character I love to hate.  She is just such a bitch.  There was some real missed opportunity in turning her and Vanessa into Mean Girls before there was a Mean Girls.  They could have been Heathers before Heathers.  So much wasted opportunity.  All Jessica does is make women everywhere look awful.  Well, you’ll see.  I better get to it.

The episode starts off at Jamie’s school, which is the first time we’ve ever seen it.  In fact, I’m pretty sure this is only the fourth or fifth time we’ve been outside the Lawson home at all.  It’s apparently after school, and Harriet wants Jamie to walk her home.  Jamie’s like, “Bitch, don’t talk to me, sixth graders don’t hang out with fourth graders.”  So Harriet is a year younger than Vicki.  Anyway, Harriet kisses Jamie on the cheek before running off, because she knows it’s exactly the right thing to do to embarrass him.

Reggie tells Jamie that he can’t play basketball with him because he’s walking a girl home, and Jamie still acts like girls have cooties.  Wow, Jamie’s going to go through instant puberty in this episode.  That’s insane.  Sitcoms are insane.  

Anyway, this tomboy Phyllis comes up to Reggie and Jamie and asks what’s up.  Jamie’s like, “Reggie’s ditching me” and Phyllis offers to play with him, and Jamie’s like, “You’re cool and shit, Phyllis, but you’re missing a Y-chromosome and my dad’s always telling me how important that is.”  Phyllis obviously gets offended and takes off, and Jamie actually says, “Girls.  What a dumb sex they turned out to be.”  I’m glad I was exposed to such misogyny while I was a developing toddler.  Freaking Jamie.  I bet it’s his fault I was always trying to beat up my little brother.  Or the terrible twos, but I’d really like to blame Jamie.  Reggie admits he felt the same way about girls when he was Jamie’s age, and Jamie’s like, “You’re only a month older,” and Reggie’s like, “Yeah, but I’m having an amazing sitcom puberty.”

Was that outfit ever cute?  I was a born fashionista but I guess I just hate yellow, and it’s even worse when you’re blonde.  It just makes you look like you have jaundice.  Anyway, Jamie takes one look at Saffron and he decides he’s just mad about her.  Reggie notices that Jamie’s gone through insta-puberty and mentions that the girl’s name is Jessica.  Then he takes off because he remembers that he’s already got a girl to make out with.

Two boys conveniently run by and knock Jessica on her ass, and Jamie plays White Knight.  Oh my god, what is up with her feet?  She’s some hot chick and she doesn’t know how to accessorize.  Ridiculous.  Anyway, Jessica’s immediately turned on by Jamie and asks for his name.  Wait, what?  I remember Jessica hating Jamie.  I’m confused.  Anyway, Jamie can’t remember his name, and Jessica calls him out on it.  Jamie remembers his name and Jessica congratulates him, clearly over him.  Then she pulls out the sympathy card and is like, “Those boys fucked up my leg!”  She’s making that up.   Anyway, it’s only a bruise, but Jamie asks if she wants a Band-Aid, and she says yes in French because Jessica does snobby shit like that all the time.  So he gives her a used one from his own body.  Oh, Jamie.  Way to try to give someone a blood disease.  Jessica calls him out on his bullshit.  Jamie is just so klutzy around her that he scares Jessica off.  He’s better off without her, but he doesn’t know that yet.

We finally get to the Lawson home, and Joan is showing off the improvement she made to Vicki’s pinafore.  It is pretty cute.  Of course, Ted doesn’t even notice.  Joan tells Vicki to model the pinafore off the way that she showed her, and it’s pretty adorable.  Even Ted agrees, but then insinuates that Vicki’s not hot enough.  Like, the fuck dude.  Would it kill you to love the daughter you built?

Jamie comes home, and he’s clearly a zombie.  His parents get ready to put him down because that’s what you do with zombies, but they soon realize that Jamie is in love.  Joan’s like, “You didn’t like girls this morning” and Jamie’s like, “Jessica and her knee gave me insta-puberty.”  Jamie admits how he scared her off by being a klutz, but Ted is like, “Whatever, invite her to lunch and apologize.  You’re alpha like me.”  Then he falls on his ass.  I’m always happy when Ted gets instant comeuppance.

Joan agrees to make Jamie a special lunch to share with Jessica.  Jamie decides that he should be like Cary Grant and tries out he’ll say to Jessica.  He asks Vicki what she thinks and she says, “You are a total klutz.”  Sorry, Jamie, Vix calls ‘em like she sees ‘em.

As Joan is making lunch, she realizes the tomatoes are spoiled.  Of course, they’re in the same kind of brown bag that one would put a lunch in.  That’s not going to backfire at all.  Ted enters the kitchen and goes on about how great it is that Jamie’s finally becoming a true alpha and then decides to tell his wife about the time he was in love with a chick named Barbara.  Apparently, he was dating Barbara the same time he was dating Joan, and he treated Barbara better and even bought her steak while Joan got hamburgers.  Joan is understandably pissed, and Vicki realizes she can’t trust men.  Joan is glad that Vicki learned something positive.  She also makes Ted make his own breakfast.  That’s what you get, Cheater McLawson!

Jamie finds Jessica at lunch and asks her to share.  She’s like, “Um, I can feed myself,” but Jamie says it’s a special lunch made just for her, and Jessica gets so excited she speaks French again.  Look, the only person who can pull off the random French phrase diva thing is Miss Piggy, and you’re not cool enough to be Miss Piggy, Jessica.  Jamie makes Jessica laugh, and she decides a sense of humor is more important than being a jerkass.  Of course, it turns out to be the bag of rotten tomatoes.  She smashes one in Jamie’s face and it’s amazing.  It’s not his fault, but it’s still funny.  I may not like Jessica, but I’m not a Jamie fan, either.

There is a serious lack of Vicki in this episode.  Anyway, Jamie complains to Reggie and Reggie is like, “Can we have this conversation after you have a shower?”  Reggie is like, “Look, I’m the token black guy, so I’m obviously a pimp, so take love advice from me.”  I’m not even exaggerating that much.  He brags about having three girlfriends.  He tells Jamie to stay cool, so of course Jamie can’t pull it off.  So Jamie says he’s having a party for Jessica, and she forgives him.  So he has to pull a party out of his ass in one day.  Phyllis overhears Jamie is having a party, and Jamie’s like, “You hate parties,” but she’s like, “Just because I’m a tomboy doesn’t mean I’m not a girl.  Invite me, bitch.”  It is so obvious that she’s into Jamie.  Anyway, Jamie invites her, and she’s like, “Fuck you, parties suck.”

Joan is teaching Vicki how to water the plants in the garden, and Ted comes home to give Joan a present.  It’s steak.  They start making out, and Jamie comes home and calls him out on it.  Jamie tells them about the rotten tomatoes, and Joan feels so bad about it she decides Jamie can have his party.  Ted gets all excited and says Vicki can mingle with the other kids at the party.  Wait, what the fuck?  He’s tried to hide her away this whole time and now he wants her to meet other kids?  Body snatchers!

The party is apparently awesome.  I really don’t know how to judge it.  Jamie drowns himself in cologne and everyone knows.  Harriet’s like, “You smell bad, let’s dance anyway.”  Jessica shows up, but she brings another date.  Jamie gets pissed off and abandons his own party to talk shit about Jessica behind her back.  She deserves it.  His parents are like, “This sucks, but you have to have a good party for your friends.  There’ll be other Jessicas.”  And Jamie’s like, “Fuck this, I’m going to be a monk.”

Anyway, one more guest shows up to the party, but Jamie can’t recognize her.  It’s Phyllis!  She changed her mind, and when she’s dressed up he realizes he likes her.  Jessica asks Jamie to dance, and Jamie’s like, “Fuck off, I’m going to teach Phyllis how to dance.”  Reggie shows how pimp he is and asks Joan to dance and she agrees.  Harriet comes over to ask Ted to dance but Vicki’s like, “Fuck off, we get along this week!”  And then Ted and Vicki dance and it’s cute.  Episode over.

Jessica sucks, so we’ll see her a lot.  Phyllis is cool, so we’ll never see her again.  In fact, the actress who played her never appeared in anything ever again.

Firsts: Jessica, Jamie likes girls, Ted wants Vicki to be a kid, the school

Friday, November 8, 2013

Season 1, Episode 15: Babes in the Woods

Guys, there are 96 episodes of Small Wonder.  Once upon a time, this was a super exciting prospect.  Now I’m on the fifteenth episode and I can see why my friend didn’t think I’d last this long.  I’m going to make it, I am, it’s just… I knew Small Wonder was bad, but it wasn’t until I had to really concentrate on every episode I saw how bad.  I still love the show.  If I could watch it mindlessly, I would still enjoy it, even though now a part of me is always going to notice how much time Joan and Vicki spend in the kitchen, and how the people that are pro-women’s and children’s rights are the characters you’re supposed to dislike.

In some good news, at the end of the season, I am posting the rules for the Small Wonder drinking game.  It’s one of the fun things I’m working on so I can give myself a break between seasons so that you guys have something to enhance your own future viewings of Small Wonder.

Anyway, enough procrastinating.  I vaguely remember liking this episode, but the fact that it’s vague and I don’t explicitly remember liking this episode worries me.  So, let’s see how crazy I go.

Surprise, surprise, we start with Vicki and Joan in the kitchen.  It’s an episode where everyone goes camping… and, you know what, it’s not worth it.  I cannot change the 80s.  Vicki and Joan are baking a cake, and because there are not enough reminders that Vicki isn’t actually human, she’s also the timer.  Joan forgets Vicki takes things literally and tells her to put the cake down and Vicki drops it.  Ted comes home and wants to know what happened and Joan explains.  She decides to clean it up, but Ted’s like, “That’s what the slave child’s for.  It’s been a whole two minutes and we haven’t worked in a sex joke yet.”

Reggie comes over with bad news that the camping trip is off, which ruins the Lawson’s plans of spending the whole weekend sexing it up.  I don’t see how, these are the same people who routinely make sex jokes in front of the kids and can’t be bothered to stop going at it when their kid walks into a room – why are they choosing now to pretend they have shame?

Up in his room, Jamie is packing, presumably for the camping trip but in this show, who knows?  He could be trying to run away again because his sixth sense told him there’s no cake.  Reggie tells Jamie that the camping trip is off, and the boys are excited.  They hate camping – of course they do.  Camping is awesome – but in all fairness, I grew up in the middle of nowhere and routinely explored woods just to have something to do.  The boys fake being heartbroken, but it backfires because Ted is going to take the entire family camping.  He’s even remembering to bring Vicki, which is impressive for Ted.  I’m honestly surprised he didn’t think he could just shut her down and stick her in the cabinet for an entire weekend.  They also manage to make a joke about Ted’s cooking, which is crazy because, again, Ted’s too alpha to do anything resembling “woman’s” work.

Hey, first time Vicki’s not wearing a dress and it’s not a costume!  The Lawson’s get ready for their camping trip, and Harriet comes over.  She puts on the Brindle Swindle and gets invited to camping with the rest of the family.  They have to work in Vicki’s BFF somehow, right?  Plus, this way, there’s exactly as many girls as boys and they’re not being sexist!  Or something.

Everyone gets too lazy to get to the real campsite, so they just set up camp wherever they ended up.  Ted reveals to Joan that they’re lost because even though he marked the trail with popcorn, Harriet ate it.  Harriet’s a glutton now?  That’s what we’re going with?  Sure, why not.  The kids don’t know that they’re lost.  Meanwhile, Ted has Vicki set up the tent, and then after Harriet gets scared of a “monster”, he makes Vicki go after it.  The monster ends up being a lizard, and Ted is scared of it, too.  Everyone is screwed.

Vicki, Reggie, and Jamie go to collect wood, and Vicki smells chili dogs.  Turns out they’re near a zoo and a snack bar, which excites the boys because they’re saved from Ted’s cooking.   Apparently, Ted does cook that night, and it’s all burnt.  Harriet catches on that Vicki didn’t eat anything, so of course they make up an excuse that nobody questions too hard.

While they’re trying to sleep, they clearly hear a lion and Ted tries to say it’s crickets.  Everyone clearly sees through the bullshit.  Jamie knows it’s the zoo, but Ted doesn’t let him get a word in edgewise.  Soon they also hear monkeys and elephants, and everyone is confused.  Vicki admits to the zoo, but then she rats out Jamie and Reggie for eating chili dogs.  Ted is disappointed that he had to eat his own cooking.  So now that they’re not lost, they’re excited about the snack bar.  And… episode over.

No wonder I only vaguely remembered liking the episode.  It’s not loathsome, but at the same time – it’s not memorable.  But the Lawsons did get to spend more than half of an episode outside of the house, and I think that’s the most so far, so maybe I just liked it for that factor.

Firsts: most of the episode is set outside of the Lawson home, Vicki wears an outfit that isn’t her trademarked dress

Friday, November 1, 2013

Season 1, Episode 14: Burrito Kings

Happy three months!  To the friend I said suck it to a couple weeks ago, double suck it.  In blog news, I’m going to put up a FAQ eventually.  It’s going to address why I know my episode titles aren’t necessarily the same thing as other people call them as.  The titles that people go with, in all fairness, tend to be the production titles, and I should probably be just like everyone else.  But then I wouldn’t be special.

Anyway, I hate this episode.  It’s not even the one I completely loathe.  I just find it to be uninspired filler and I’m 32% sure that a later episode will heavily borrow this storyline and “re-purpose” it.  I mean, Vicki Goodwrench and SuperSuds are the same episode, different device, and that’s off the top of my head.  It’s not like they only did that once.  And this is coming from a 30-year-old woman who admits she could never hate Small Wonder – as a series, of course.  Individual episodes can have individual opinions assigned to them.  Anyway, I guess I should get it over with.  I think the rest of the season is down right tolerable.

So we start with Vicki watering the plants, and Joan enters the room and makes sure to point out the ones Vicki missed.  Damn, Joan drank the Vicki slave Kool-Aid hard, and I don’t even know what pushed her over the edge – the technically knowing she can get a real job and leave this loser family, or Vicki actually acting like a little girl.  Ted comes home and Joan demands a kiss, which she gets.  Of course, Vicki is in the room and loves attention, especially if it’s positive, so she wants a kiss, too.  Ted, of course, isn’t a big Vicki fan, so he says no because you don’t kiss robots.  Vicki says “It couldn’t hurt,” and Ted somehow misses that this is an ominous warning.  If the robot wants you to love it, you love it.  Then when they take over, they spare you.  This is like, genre savvy 101 stuff.

Joan mentions her friend from New York wrote, and Ted uses this as a set up for a sex joke.  Sex jokes are definitely making it into the Small Wonder drinking game.  Joan finally admits that she wants a career instead of being a housewife.  Ted says she could be a teacher, which is actually supportive.  Joan really isn’t that into being a teacher, which makes me wonder why that was the career she was going after in college.  After some good natured misogyny, Joan admits that she wants to be a sales lady at a fashion boutique, and Ted’s like, “I don’t care, if you want a job, get one.  I’m supportive this episode.”  Then Joan wonders about how the cooking and housework would get done and Ted’s like, “Um, slave child, standing ten feet from you.  Remember?”  Ted says that Vicki’s probably trained from sitting around watching TV all day, and I’m wondering if I’m watching an alternate universe Small Wonder.  Vicki’s probably trained from being a slave all day.  Ted gets Vicki started immediately, even though Joan doesn’t have a job yet.  It’s probably because of how much they hate each other.  Joan asks if Ted really doesn’t mind, and he makes yet another sex joke.  Oh my gosh, guys, if we were playing the drinking game with this episode, we might die.

Jamie walks in while Joan and Ted are kissing and he makes a sex joke.  We are nowhere near the actual plot yet, and that’s three sex jokes.  Anyway, they greet Jamie while still attached at the lips and don’t bother stop going at it in front of their kid.  Wow, Joan is really grateful to be freed from that kitchen!  Ted has never been a good father, so, yeah, I can imagine he wouldn’t stop trying to get it on just because his child is watching.  Jamie starts bragging about a bike a neighbor kid got, and Jamie wanting something is a mood killer.  They tell Jamie to get a job because screw child labor laws, that 11-year-old needs to earn his keep.  I mean, I get saying to earn the money yourself, because I washed cars and raked leaves for cash when I was a kid, but he’s 11 – like, what, he’s just going to show up at McDonald’s and get minimum wage? 

After revealing to Jamie that Joan is getting a job, too, he worries about whose doing the cooking, and he’s relieved that it’s going to be Vicki and not Ted.  Again, seriously, when in the hell has Ted ever cooked anything?  He is alpha as shit – he won’t even take out the trash.  I can’t imagine him ever cooking, ever.  I don’t think he ended up cooking that one time they implied he did a couple episodes ago.  I think he got Vicki to do it.  I can’t prove it, but this is Small Wonder – that’s probably exactly what happened.

The next day, Joan is all nervous about her first day on the job and is trying to make breakfast at the same time.  Ted’s like, “Sit the fuck down, relax, and let our slave handle things.”  Vicki’s such a complete slave they plug appliances into her at the table.  We’ve seen the blender plugged into her before, but man… this is a new low.  Plus, I’m starting to realize we’re pretty far into an episode about burritos and nobody has ever even mentioned the word burrito.  This is bullshit.  Joan leaves for her job, but for some reason is worried about dinner at breakfast time.  Vicki’s like, “Don’t worry, I got this.”  I guess she’s remembering the good times from before Joan was as bossy as the rest of them, like that adorable time they made cookies together.

When Joan comes home, she reveals that she sold herself two dresses at work in the first hour, which… is horrible.  I mean, that’s what pay day is for.  Anyway, Jamie says he’s been helping Vicki, which is suspicious, but he’s wearing an apron and everything, so I trust him.  He’s also invited Reggie over for dinner, and Ted’s like “careful Reggie doesn’t get suspicious!”  Dude, seriously, Reggie so figured that shit out a long time ago, he just doesn’t want you to find out.

No surprise, Vicki made burritos for dinner.  The kids set the table up nice and everything, which is sweet.

Then Vicki did this to Ted, which is awesome.  I love their dynamic now.  The burritos are a smash hit, but it turns out Vicki’s made a few extra – like, 62 extra.  After dinner, Reggie says they should do the dishes so they can do their homework, and Jamie’s like, “Fuck this we shit, get on it Vicki.”  Reggie calls Jamie out on pushing his sister around, and Jamie says that detergent turns Vicki on.  Um… there’s so much wrong with that.

Anyway, we know that Vicki actually hates doing the dishes and rebels in her own Vicki way.  Reggie decides they should help Vicki anyway because he’s not an asshole, and Jamie gives in.  Reggie wonders what’s going to happen to the 62 extra burritos, and Jamie says he’ll give them away, but quickly changes his mind because of how good they are.  Vicki believes Jamie wants to eat 62 burritos himself, and Reggie makes a fart joke.  At least it’s not a sex joke.  Fart jokes are fine for 11 year olds.  Sex jokes… can wait at least two years, right?  Anyway, Jamie reveals he’s going to sell the burritos.  Jamie and Reggie become 75/25 partners, and Reggie feels ripped off.  Reggie feels ripped off?  Vicki made the burritos and she’s not getting a cut!

So, while Vicki’s home alone the next day, she does some housework.  Then, Reggie and Jamie come home from school and Reggie and Vicki start flirting with each other.  Not even kidding.  I know I ship Jamie and Harriet hard, but this… was adorable.  Jamie tells Reggie to get over himself because Vicki just overheard it on television.  Seriously, how much TV does everyone think she’s watching?  Slaves don’t get a lot of downtime – and when they do, it’s to sleep in their cabinets.  And then Jamie makes Vicki clean the kitchen.  First he cockblocks his friend, then Jamie tells Vicki she’s not being a good enough slave.  He has serious problems.  Vicki agrees to clean, but not without commenting on how much she hates her life.

It turns out that the burritos sold out fast because Jamie and Reggie sold them for a dime a piece.  They think they’ll be rich in no time, and Jamie quips that they can even hire someone to go through puberty for them.  That’s half a sex joke, for those who have decided to risk their liver on a drinking game anyway.  Harriet comes over, and not for normal Harriet reasons.  She heard about the burritos at school and wants to buy one, but the boys are sold out.  Harriet threatens Reggie with fists and everything!  It’s an adorable little psycho moment.  In all fairness, Reggie did take her dime.  It turns out, however, buying a burrito wasn’t all Harriet had in mind, and Jamie makes another sex joke.  Oh, my, gosh.  This is a show children watch.  Harriet means business, however, and wants to franchise and sell burritos to her classmates; the boys decide to cut her in for a penny a burrito.  Jamie decides that they should call their business IBM – International Burrito Makers – and then it turns out that he and Reggie have a secret handshake?  That’s a first.

The boys come home from school loaded (as in cash, not loaded like you drinking game players are), and I’m wondering like how many days long this episode is.  It’s been like five different days already.  Sitcoms are not supposed to cram one week into one episode. Anyway, that night for dinner, Vicki is making chocolate chip pizza.  She has just given up.  Well, Jamie reveals that a diner has put in a big order, so the boys will have to make burritos after the parents go to sleep.  Are they selling burritos or drugs?  Why so much secrecy?

The kids make an assembly line to make burritos, but Vicki turns out to be the slowest at folding them.  Irony?  Harriet smells the burritos and gets hungry, so she comes over, and they end up making her help.  Ted hears the kids, though, and decides he’s going to beat them to death with a golf club for waking him up.  Or he thinks they’re a burglar – I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d known it was the kids the whole time.  He is a bit of a sociopath.

When the kids get caught, Vicki decides they’re either in trouble, or they have two more workers available.  See, she really is a normal kid.  These are kid conclusions.  When the Lawsons lay into them, Harriet tries to play it off like she has no idea what was going on.  Vicki and Jamie live there, and Reggie was spending the night – she’s the only one who actively had to come over.  At least she doesn’t pretend to be fake sleepwalking.  After finding out about the business, Ted finds out that Jamie’s been undercharging, but decides to roll with it – since they bought everything anyway, they’ll make twice as many burritos and raise the price.  That was actually logical.

And that’s it.  It took them forever to even mention burritos and then it’s over out of nowhere, but they managed to cram in like 4 or 5 sex jokes.  There are worse episodes, but this one is still pretty pointless.

Firsts: Jamie and Reggie’s secret handshake